(Minghui.org) I had a vivid dream three months ago. In the dream, I drew a circle the size of a CD on the last page of Zhuan Falun. I tore it out of the book, but when I tore it out I tore Master’s photo! In my dream I cried out.
I felt uneasy when I woke up. How could I tear Master’s photo? What was my problem? When I looked inward I found many attachments, such as not focusing when I read the Fa, and not holding my palm upright when I send righteous thoughts. Even though I examined myself I didn’t find the root of my attachments.
I have been a coordinator in my local area for 20 years. I never felt I was putting in extra for Dafa in the past. But recently I didn’t want to do any coordination work. I felt I was a full container that couldn’t accept any more. I went through the motions when I did the three things, and didn’t put my heart into doing them well.
I felt resentful when I was asked to help with anything. I told the other coordinators that they should not depend on me. They agreed and came to me less. However, I did not look inward and improve myself. My attitude became worse. Later, when I was asked for help, I said, “I have been so busy doing things all day that my cultivation state is not good. Please don’t rely on my support. Why don’t you do it yourselves?” My tone was resentful.
One day, another coordinator said, “You have a say, so please make arrangements, and we will do whatever you tell us to do.” I was angry when I heard this. I said, “Aren’t you harming me by saying this?” I immediately realized my tone was wrong, so I eased up and said, “There are no role models in cultivation. You have to take the Fa as your guide. If you think this way, you are harming yourself and me! The old forces can take advantage of this and persecute me! It seems I can’t stay in this county any longer. I will move back to my hometown.” I began complaining about her in my heart. I developed the fear of being persecuted by the old forces.
I began practicing in 1997 and was the coordinator in my hometown until I moved to that county a few years ago. At that time, I practiced with all my heart and soul. I had a strong sense of responsibility. I encouraged fellow practitioners to buy computers, access the Minghui website, and set up materials production sites. I also coordinated the installation of New Tang Dynasty satellites, and I printed banners, and stickers. We initially distributed the informational pamphlets at night, but later most of the practitioners, including the elderly, went out during the day to clarify the facts face to face. Not only did we talk to people in nearby villages, we also covered the surrounding counties.
I moved back to my hometown, and to my surprise, I found that the local practitioners’ state of cultivation was not good. The materials production sites had nearly stopped operating. The practitioners seldom distributed informational materials and rarely went out to speak to people about Falun Dafa. Seven or eight practitioners had abnormal physical conditions.
The practitioners in nearby villages were doing even worse. They only read the Fa and didn’t read Minghui Weekly. It seemed no one printed Minghui Weekly for them, and they didn’t want to read it anyway. Few practitioners wanted to take truth-clarification materials, and those who did take the materials took only a few. They also didn’t pay attention to safety when using their cell phones.
My heart was heavy, and I didn’t want to face it. I therefore participated in group Fa study every night in my village, but not in the weekly study group with practitioners from the nearby villages. I sometimes thought about forming a Fa study group of local coordinators so they could improve first, and could then motivate other practitioners. But I soon changed my mind and gave up on that idea due to selfishness, fear of encountering trouble, and an attachment to comfort.
I thought, “I will just do my part to awaken more people; I don’t want to do any more coordination work.”
This way, I isolated myself from other practitioners, just like I did in the dream. I was detaching myself from the whole, and I was running counter to Master’s request for us to pull through and advance together as one body.
I knew something was wrong, but I was afraid that other practitioners would become dependent on me again. I discovered my attachment to fear of being persecuted, trouble, and hardship. Finding the root of these attachments and eliminating them seemed hard.
I wanted to save more people. I kept looking inward and wondering why I became this way. I realized that I thought I was above everyone and I only wanted to hear compliments. I also found my attachment to doing things, showing off, and ego.
I wanted to make a breakthrough but couldn’t find the root cause. Master hinted at me when he saw my heart. One day, while meditating, I suddenly realized where I was wrong.
In his new article “Wake Up,” Master told us:
“The Fa-rectification of the celestial bodies is complete, and it is now transitioning to the Fa-rectification of the human realm. Most Dafa disciples will follow Master in the Fa-rectification of the human realm.”
I felt disappointed deep down after reading Master’s teaching. I thought that Dafa disciples during the period of Fa-rectification would reach godhood before Fa-rectification finished. I thought the Fa-rectification of the human world had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to join Master as the Fa rectified the human world.
I realized that my dream reflected my mentality. I tore off the circle I drew from the book, which meant I wanted to deviate from the path Master had arranged. How could I reach the status of consummation? Was I qualified with that human mindset?
I realized that my mindset was very dangerous! How could I arrange my own path?
I can’t say enough to express my gratitude to Master. I know every step I took was under his care.
It’s difficult for me to write articles because I’m not well educated, and it has always been challenging for me to write and type. I also thought, “Will this article be helpful? I don’t want to write it anymore.” I wanted to give up writing after finishing one page.
Then I thought, “I shouldn’t be afraid of hardship and difficulty.”
I also thought about how many practitioners on Minghui Radio talked about the importance of writing sharing articles and the unexpected benefits of writing articles. So I thought it didn’t matter whether my article was well or poorly written. The process of writing the article was a process of examining myself. It allowed me to find my loopholes and impure thoughts and remove them while I wrote.
When I thought about this, I felt very happy and relaxed. I felt that the sorrows that bothered me recently happened a lifetime ago. I felt that I had come through this tribulation.
“...cultivating as if you were just starting ... ” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World, Volume IX)
I realized that it was my privilege to participate in coordination work. In the process of coordination, I had more contact with practitioners. I encountered many things, so I had more chances to work through conflicts with others, which also gave me more opportunities to improve my xinxing and assimilate to the Fa. I truly benefited a lot from it. I should have cherished the opportunity.
I finally understood how much effort it took for Master to help me get rid of every attachment. Master has led, enlightened, and protected me for the past 25 years. My gratitude to Master is beyond words.
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Category: Improving Oneself