Eliminating My “Muddle Headedness” When Studying the Fa
(Minghui.org) Sometimes when I study the Fa, I would get muddleheaded and feel very drowsy. In addition, when sending forth righteous thoughts my hands would be drooping. I started to reflect on myself: “What is happening to me? Am I being interfered with by the evil?”
“What those evil specter factors of the vile Party want is precisely to make you drowsy, and the drowsier you get, the more they reinforce that drowsiness. They just won't let you send righteous thoughts, because by doing so you are purging them. When you send forth righteous thoughts to destroy them, they interfere.” (Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles)
When I was sending forth righteous thoughts and studying the Fa one time, I felt sleepy. I looked inward and found that I had a strong attachment of resentment towards my husband. I felt resentful because my husband watches the news and other videos on television until 10:30 p.m. before he realized that it was time to study the Fa. I needed to sleep early because I would usually wake up early to attend group exercises. On the other hand, my husband would usually sleep in because he did not attend group exercises. How can I follow his time management?
My husband is a new practitioner so he was not diligent enough to put Dafa as a priority – upsetting me. I knew this was not right, because I was using my own standard to judge him. As a result when we were studying the Fa together, I started to feel drowsy. I resented my husband and blamed him for making me feel drowsy. The more I blamed him, the drowsier I became. I became very vexed, and still put all the blame on my husband, thinking he is interfering with my cultivation. The more I thought about it, the more I resented him. I was not able to stay awake because I gave evil a chance to interfere with me during studying the Fa.
My husband and I took turns reading a paragraph at a time. When it was his turn to read, I felt very drowsy and sleepy. When it was my turn to read, I would wake up again. In the beginning, I thought I was just dozing off, but digging deeper, I realized it was the attachment of resentment that made me fall down to the level of an everyday person, giving the evil a chance to interfere with me.
After sending righteous thoughts at 12 a.m., I was reprimanded by my husband because I was very drowsy. I was troubled and opened Zhuan Falun. One paragraph from the Fa grabbed my attention.
“You cannot only pursue transformation of gong in the physical body without emphasizing improvement of your xinxing. It is waiting for you to upgrade your xinxing—only then will you make a holistic change.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
I know that this was Master enlightening me to not emphasize changes on the surface but instead genuinely upgrade my xinxing.
I started to look inward and found several attachments: First, I was not able to harmonize with my husband’s shortcomings. In helping my husband rectify himself, I was not compassionate enough, instead I was being arrogant and was full of resentment when talking to him. I was ordering and demanding that he come to study the Fa. My husband refused to listen to me because I was not on the Fa.
“We don’t have any authority, nor the endowment to give orders to others. We can only advise people—we talk about advising people to be good, don’t we?” (“Explaining the Fa for Falun Dafa Assistants in Changchun,” Explaining the Content of Falun Dafa)
I changed myself for the better, and sincerely suggested that we should start studying the Fa earlier and put other things aside first. My husband agreed to my suggestion since I was on the Fa, and when I studied the Fa with him, I was no longer muddleheaded.
Secondly, I still have an attachment of pursuit. It was buried very deep inside without me realizing this attachment. I eliminated this attachment and felt more purified and clearheaded.
Thirdly, I was still not compassionate enough towards my husband. I am very impatient and was not abiding by the principles of forbearance and compassion. My heart would be full of resentment and I realized that I was being neither truthful nor compassionate. In addition, I would also force my thoughts on him, and I would get very upset if he did not do as I asked him to.
Whenever my husband wanted to study the Fa very late at night, I would be frustrated. The more frustrated I got, the more he’d ask me to study the Fa late at night with me. This is for me to cultivate my tolerance. I apologized to him and exposed these attachments to be eliminated.
When I started to abide by Dafa’s standards and send forth righteous thoughts for almost thirty minutes I was no longer muddleheaded nor feeling drowsy. After sending forth righteous thoughts, I saw a beam of light shining outside our neighborhood and the numerals on my quartz clock were also beaming with light. I knew Master was encouraging me, and I felt really good to truly cultivate from within.
One afternoon after clarifying the truth, I decided to lay down on my sofa for a bit. When I woke up, I saw that two and a half hours had passed! I knew this was interference from me being tired.
For the past couple of times, I’ve been missing sending righteous thoughts by taking a nap. Isn’t this an attachment to comfort? Like so, I was interfered with by my sleepiness.
We were playing Master’s audio lectures when my husband was driving one day. After a while, I realized I started to feel drowsy. I became alarmed immediately. After looking inward, I started to close my eyes again. I came up with an excuse that by closing my eyes, I could focus better on listening to Master’s lectures. This was my attachment to comfort. I had to stay awake for Master’s lectures, and being respectful to Master, I no longer felt drowsy.
I started to feel sleepy again when I was studying the Fa with my husband. I started to look inward and realized that it was my competitive mentality. I was yelling and reprimanding my husband on how he does not focus during Fa- study and pointed out to him that what Master was saying in that lecture was directed at him. Although on the surface it looked like I was studying the Fa, but in reality, I was cultivating for others by always looking at my husband’s shortcomings. Thus I was interfered with by the evil, resulting in feeling sleepy.
My husband became angry and walked away while we were studying the Fa. He said: “I do not want to Fa-study with you anymore!” I wasn’t able to rectify myself and felt very remorseful. Cultivation is about cultivating oneself not by constantly looking at other people’s shortcomings.
This is not how a Dafa disciple should conduct himself or herself. I admitted my mistake to Master and eliminated all evil interference between my husband and I. Then I apologized to my husband and he was willing to study the Fa with me again.
The attachment to showing off, jealousy and not cultivating our speech could all be factors of the evil’s inference.
In conclusion, we should use the magical tool of looking inward and rectify ourselves to eliminate our “muddle-headedness” in cultivation.