Cultivating Myself Through My Son's Depression
(Minghui.org) My son developed mental health problems two months before he took the high school entrance exam in the spring of 2019. The doctor said that he was suffering from a “major depressive disorder” and suggested that he stop going to school.
My son lost hope and didn't want to contact anyone. He was afraid and suspicious and trembled when he saw crowds of people. He thought that his classmates were talking behind his back, and he refused to go out. He lay in bed all day playing on his cellphone. I was heartbroken to see him like that, but there was nothing I could do.
An Unhappy Home
My son eventually told his father that he became depressed because his father often fought with me for practicing Falun Dafa. My husband was a member of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and was afraid of being implicated and persecuted, so he tried to get me to give up my cultivation.
I refused, so he often fought me like crazy. He smashed the coffee tables, closets, glass doors in the bedroom, and many other things in a fit of rage. He threatened to divorce me and even drove me out of the home for several months.
My son grew up in this terrible environment. My son knew that Falun Dafa was good and supported me in my cultivation. He even studied the Fa with me when he was little. But as he got older, worldly interests lured him away from Dafa.
I couldn't let it go when I knew that my son was diagnosed with this depressive disorder. His life had barely started. I felt lost and didn't know what to do.
A practitioner came to help me send forth righteous thoughts. She said that a poem came to her mind:
“Success at Consummation
Fame, gain, emotion—cultivate each away,And ascend to the Firmament at Consummation,See the human world with eyes of compassion,Then are you freed from the spell of delusion.”(Hong Yin, Translation Version A)
I realized that I had to cultivate away my affection for my son.
My husband and I sometimes took our son to the stadium to play when there was no game on. We held his hands, and I could clearly feel his hand shaking. Seeing him in such a pitiful state, I was about to feel sad but immediately became vigilant and recited the poem that the practitioner mentioned.
Whenever I started to get emotional, I recited that poem and could calm down. I didn't feel as unbearably bitter as I did before when I saw my son in this state.
The side effects of the drugs used to treat depression were very harmful. He would fall asleep for an entire day after taking sleeping pills. The drugs also made him weak, but he would get depressed if he didn't take them. Bad thoughts flooded his mind, and he often tried to slash his wrists, so I hid all the sharp objects at home.
I knew that only Dafa's Master could save him, that if he practiced Falun Dafa, Master Li Hongzhi would be able to change his fate. When I told my husband to let him practice again, he yelled at me hysterically.
Actually, the more I wanted my son to study the Fa teachings, the more he resisted. Sometimes, it took all my strength to help him get out of bed and study the Fa. He would reluctantly read a paragraph, then lie back down, saying that he couldn't continue.
One day, I suddenly found my attachment. The reason I wanted my son to practice Dafa was so that, after he recovered, my husband would see how great and extraordinary Falun Dafa was and then my husband would be saved!
I realized that my insistence allowed the old forces to take advantage of my loopholes and harm my son and my husband.
Letting Go of My Attachment
My son said he was bored and went out for a walk at about 10:00 p.m. early in the spring of 2019. I didn't think much of it and let him go. At about midnight, I had a bad dream and was scared when I woke up. I realized that my son hadn't returned, so I sent him a text message. He texted me back saying that he couldn't live anymore. I called him right away, but he didn't answer. I tried calling him again, but he'd turned off his phone.
I ran to Master's picture, knelt down, and begged Master to save him.
I didn’t know where my son was and couldn't reach him on the phone, so I sent him a text message, saying, “How can I live without you? It’s hard for me to raise you. You mustn't do anything.”
I called him later and he answered. I tried to reach him with affection and move him with reason. He finally came down from the building he was contemplating jumping off of and returned home.
After this incident, my heart was heavy. I always worried that he would commit suicide if he ran into any adversity. I was worried when I went out and would hurry home as soon as I had finished delivering truth-clarification materials.
When I was telling other practitioners about my concerns, a thought came to my mind: “Let go of the attachment and do what you should do!”
I looked within and let go of my attachment to my son's health. My son's illness and mood became more and more stable. Before the 2020 New Year, he stopped taking his medications, and his condition was generally under control. I could now use my time to go out worry-free and let people know about Falun Dafa.
Negate Negative Thinking
My son slammed the door and went out again recently because he didn't like what I’d said. I was worried and tried to follow him, but I couldn't find him. I tried to call him, but he didn't answer. He turned off his phone when I called again.
I again asked Master to save him. In the end, my son came back, but he was still in a bad mood and had blood on his wrists.
He asked me to let him go. His words touched my greatest worry. I was afraid that he would commit suicide.
A practitioner came to my home the next day, and I told her what had happened, “My son often tells me to ‘let him go’ because he can't live anymore.” The practitioner said, “That was said by a bad entity that wants to take his life. It's not your son saying that.”
Stunned, I said, “I’m worried that my son’s suicide will discredit Dafa and cause him eternal regret.”
The practitioner replied, “That’s not your thought, that's what the old forces made you think.” I was really shocked.
“The truth is, anything that is not consistent with Dafa or the righteous thoughts of Dafa disciples results from the old forces’ involvement, and that includes all of the unrighteous elements that you have. And that is why I have made sending righteous thoughts one of the three major things that Dafa disciples are to do.” (“On the Responses to the Piece About Assistant Souls” Translated by Team Yellow)
I understood that the old forces had arranged a lot of negative thoughts in my life and cultivation: I feared that the surveillance cameras would catch me distributing truth clarification materials. I worried about my husband when he drove out and came home late or when he was out drinking alcohol.
It suddenly dawned on me that these were what the old forces made me think. They were all their arrangements in my mind, they were not my own original thoughts and not the thoughts of my true self.
My mind suddenly became clear. I wanted to make my real self stronger and stronger so that my field would become more and more positive.
It felt as if the substance that had held me down was disintegrated and the stone that had pressed on my heart for a long time had crumbled. I was finally released from the hold of the old forces.
My son went to school that afternoon. I tried my best to reject the bad thought: “Will he fail to hold on and want me to pick him up early?” I worked hard to get rid of the negative thought, because I could finally tell that this was not from the true me.
After 7:00 p.m., when I had just finished sending righteous thoughts, the door opened, and my son said, “I'm back!” His voice sounded strong and confident: “My class will attend the high school entrance exam. We had to study more, so I came home a little late.”
I brought him his dinner, and he hummed a song as he ate. A cool breeze gently blew in through the room, and we enjoyed our time together.