A Life and Death Tribulation Pointed Out My Jealousy
(Minghui.org) I have practiced Falun Dafa for almost 20 years. I always thought that I had cultivated well, but a recent tribulation helped me identify my most fundamental attachments.
Remembering to Maintain Righteous Thoughts During Tribulations
One morning in the fall of 2017, just as I finished sending righteous thoughts, a growth the size of two fists emerged on the right side of my waist. It was hard and moved from my back to my ribs. My mind was blank and I didn’t know what to do. This phenomenon had happened three times before.
After a while, my brain started working. I called out, “Teacher, help me! Please enlighten me! What have I done wrong? I will correct myself!” I sent out the righteous thought that I negated everything that the old forces arranged for me.
My body ached everywhere. My limbs were weak. I couldn’t talk. I wanted to vomit. The pain in my stomach and abdomen was unbearable and it lasted for seven hours.
Each day at 2 p.m., we have our group Fa study. After I studied the Fa for half an hour, I could no longer bear the pain. My face turned pale. I trembled and felt extremely cold. Practitioners helped me by sending righteous thoughts. I finally said in a weak voice, “I'm sorry, Teacher, I can’t tolerate it anymore.” I laid down on a bed. My body was numb, but my mind was clear. I knew I must find out what caused this.
Time went by, and practitioners continued to send righteous thoughts for me. I looked inside. One day I had a sudden thought: “Why am I being persecuted? What are my problems? All these years I’ve genuinely cultivated and I’ve been diligent. I deeply believed in Teacher and the Fa. I remembered Teacher’s Fa teaching:
“It is true that the old forces have taken advantage of every chance they have gotten. They have done awful things even to the Dafa disciples whom I really guided and led in history.” (Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles)
I understood that Teacher was giving me hints.
In the evening, after the other practitioners went home. I sent righteous thoughts. I looked inside and asked Teacher for help. I wanted to clear my mind and find the root cause of my problem.
“If a Dafa disciple acts righteously, then nothing dares to enter the surface part that hasn't been fully cultivated yet. For one thing, old beings don't dare to disrupt the old cosmos's Fa, and another thing is that you have Master and you have Law-guardian Gods. If the attachments at your human-surface side aren't removed, then Master and the Law-guardian Gods are put in a tough position. But if your righteous thoughts are strong, then Master and the Law-guardian Gods can do anything for you.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
Since this phenomenon happened before, it must have something to do with my attachments and some Fa principles that I hadn’t understood. Thus the old forces were able to use my loopholes to persecute me.
As soon as I identified the old forces’ objectives, I suddenly remembered a thought that I had that morning: “Several practitioners don’t cultivate as well as I do. Why do I keep being targeted for persecution?” I was shocked when I remembered this. That was it! That was the problem! Jealousy! It was affecting me by persecuting me and not allowing me to see my problem. The attachment of jealousy was possessing my thinking and causing my righteous thoughts to waver. The old forces were using it to ruin my cultivation in order to achieve their goal.
“The goal they want to reach is that they want to restore the cosmos in Fa-rectification back to the way it was before Fa-rectification, back to that system of theirs.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
“They just want to, on the basis of not losing anything they originally had, through their careful arrangements, be able to cleverly dodge this catastrophe. But that will never happen.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
I understood these Fa principles, but I still needed to find the roots to the attachments of selfishness, emotions, and jealousy so to get rid of them completely.
Completely Disintegrating the Attachment of Jealousy
I’m 60 years old. When I was a child, we were poor and my father died when I was young. My brothers and sisters – the five of us – had a hard life. We had nothing. I thought that when I grew up, I would work hard and my life would be better. Not only did my dream not come true, I developed many negative notions.
One thing I felt was unfair was that I am short. But I was very ambitious and did not bow to anything. I fought to be number one in everything and would not let anyone look down on me. Therefore, I did many things beyond my ability. This outlook on life landed me in endless conflicts and caused me great mental and physical stress. When I was only in my 20s, I often had headaches and back pain. I had long-term insomnia. In the end, I ended up with 13 ailments, such as a brain tumor, hematuria, and so on. I was taken to the emergency room repeatedly. My life was near the end before I was 40.
When things seemed most desperate, in January 1999, I found Falun Dafa. Teacher helped me regain my health and I began cultivating. Layer by layer, I eliminated many human attachments and I felt I cultivated well. But the attachments to ego, competitiveness, and jealousy seemed to be always with me.
Once I had a dispute with my husband over something very trivial. I complained non-stop: “You do nothing while I’m busy with so many things both inside and outside the house.” I was tired and the mentality of resentment and competitiveness made me say things like, “I make money more than you do. I buy everything you need and I take care of the kids. You ignore me!”
“You’re so cheap,” was the only remark he made.
I was so worked up and angry that I reached up and slapped his face. I felt deeply insulted by what he said! How dare he!
After I realized what I had done, I was shocked! How could a cultivator behave like that?
Another time, a co-worker told me, “You’re good at everything and anything assigned to you turns out well. But, unfortunately, because you’re short, people don’t take you seriously.” Her remarks upset me. I felt every single cell in my body tremble and even my teeth became numb.
Although I managed to suppress my anger, feelings of being inferior washed over me like scalding hot water. I liked to be praised and hated it when people humiliated or criticized me. I suddenly understood that jealousy was pulling me down!
I looked at Teacher’s portrait and said, “Teacher, I now understand what you meant when you said,”
“Studying the Fa with attachments is not true cultivation. Yet during the course of cultivation a person may gradually become aware of his fundamental attachments, rid himself of them, and thus meet the standard for a cultivator.” (Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I had finally found the root of my attachment—selfishness—which the old cosmos is based on. It was a terrible fundamental attachment. I realized that cultivation is very serious! The old forces are watching our every single thought. I had to correct my notion and eliminate my attachments to jealousy and selfishness.
Exposing the Old Forces’ Evil Arrangements
Our Fa study was the next day. I thought about exposing my deeply rooted fundamental attachments and the poisonous residues of jealousy so that practitioners would not repeat my mistakes. As the thought flashed through my head, my body trembled and I felt dizzy. I almost passed out. I understood that the old forces were terrified of being exposed. This helped increase my self-confidence. Teacher said, “...the Fa will be with you when your thoughts are righteous...” (“Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. X)
I was determined to talk about my experience.
All day, I kept sending righteous thoughts. As soon as practitioners arrived, I told them about my realizations. As I spoke I could feel the residue of my jealousy and selfishness evaporating and disappearing.
Cultivation is very serious, and even the slightest thing cannot be overlooked. We need to look inside and examine our every single thought so that we won’t be interfered with.
I’d like to conclude by sharing something else that Teacher said:
“The truth is, anything that is not consistent with Dafa or the righteous thoughts of Dafa disciples results from the old forces’ involvement, and that includes all of the unrighteous elements that you have. And that is why I have made sending righteous thoughts one of the three major things that Dafa disciples are to do. Sending righteous thoughts targets things that are outside of as well as inside of oneself, with nothing unrighteous allowed to escape. It’s just that there have been differences in how we have regarded and handled sending righteous thoughts.” (“On the Responses to the Piece About Assistant Souls,” Team Yellow Translation)
Thank you, Teacher!Thank-you to all practitioners who helped me!