From Validating Self to Tears of Gratitude
(Minghui.org) When I saw my cultivation experience-sharing article published in Minghui Weekly recently, I began to cry. I put my hands together in Heshi and told Master: “Thank you for your encouragement!” I suddenly realized: I have changed!
I grew up in an environment where I performed well and was showered with praise and compliments. Later, my academic achievement and work were also outstanding, and I was often praised. As a result, my reputation became very important to me.
After I began cultivation, I became aware of this attachment. I knew it was something I needed to get rid of. However, I did not truly let go of this attachment.
My job is to promote traditional Chinese culture. I am active in activities related to promoting traditional culture. I thought I was walking on the path of Fa-rectification, but, in actuality, I was pursuing fame. The old forces seized upon this loophole and persecuted me.
I often wrote articles and sent them to the Minghui website. My heart of pursuing fame was strong. Once I sent out the article, I would actively get online to see if it was published. I was very eager to see it published.
If I was satisfied with the article, even before it got published, I would start showing off in front of other practitioners, telling them about the article and asking them if they wanted to read it.
After my article was published, I would be happy and share my good news with other practitioners. If many of my articles got published in a row, I was extremely proud of myself. If my article did not get published, I felt defeated. If several in a row did not get published, I would be upset and unable to write another article for a long time.
I thought I was looking within and would review the editor's comments, but with such a strong human heart, I could not identify my attachments.
In submitting articles for publication, I had a strong attachment to fame, wanted to validate myself, and had a desire to show off. I also had deep-seated jealousy.
After Master's Hong Yin III was published and I studied it, I wrote several sharing articles and sent them to Minghui. I felt that my viewpoint was fresh, so surely they would be published. But none of them were published.
I searched within, modified the articles, and resubmitted them. But they were still not published. Then I sent them to another website managed by Dafa practitioners, but they were not published there, either. I re-read my original articles and searched within again.
What I discovered was that I was explaining Master's pictures! Wasn't that under-mining the Fa? Wasn't this an act of validating myself? Was I placing myself above the Fa? No wonder I had dropped down and was in a dangerous state.
I was shocked by what I had realized. I did not write again for a long time. I understood that my problem had become serious, and I needed to rectify my heart.
A human heart cannot be rectified by a human heart! Only when one studies the Fa and assimilates to the Fa can one's human heart be rectified by the Fa and replaced with righteous thoughts.
After months of earnest Fa study, I felt an improvement; I felt an elevation of my xinxing. Recalling my cultivation path, it was Master who held my hand every step of the way. Without Master's protection and inspiration, I could accomplish nothing, including the articles I'd written. What do I need to show off for? Why do I pursue fame?
I am a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple. Isn't that already the greatest and most auspicious position? Master granted us everything, including wisdom. You only have the duty to verify the Fa, not yourself; otherwise, that would be a sin.
When I read Minghui Weekly the other day, there was an article titled “Proud.” It said that, in religion, pride is a sin. I remembered asking a fellow practitioner why that was so. Pride did not cause any damage to others or society: why was it a sin?
After studying the Fa, I finally realized: God created humans and controls everything of humans. God will grant you wisdom and help you achieve things if you work in line with God's will. If you deviate from God's will, you'll get less help and become more defeated.
The ancients had a saying: “Man proposes, God disposes.” When one succeeds, it is due to the wisdom from God. When one is defeated, it is because one went against God's will. Since one's achievements all come from God, if one becomes proud, it is as if he puts himself above God or takes credit for God's work. Isn't that a truly grave sin?
Recalling my cultivation path, whenever I achieved something, I wanted to validate myself. Was that not claiming credit for God's work? How dangerous!
For over a year now, whenever I send forth righteous thoughts, I add a thought to eliminate my attachment to fame and benefit and validating myself. With that, and solidly studying the Fa, my xinxing has improved, my righteous thoughts have become stronger, and many attachments have dissolved.
Now, after submitting an article to Minghui, I no longer think about whether it will be published or not. I relax; after all, I've made my report to Master.
I no longer search for my article on the Web; in fact, I forget about it once it is submitted. When I happen to see it online, then I remember that I'd submitted it, but no longer feel any need to boast to fellow practitioners.
I've changed! It happened quietly. It was so natural and normal that it seems like I have always been like this. I know that I've changed but am not sure exactly when. However, I know I was changing during Fa study; I felt Master's compassion and the power of Dafa during Fa study.
I feel so fortunate to be a Dafa practitioner! I also sense the minuteness of being a human being.
Fa study has helped me realize my shortcomings and become aware of my gaps. I was then able to strengthen my will to be more diligent, firm up my righteous thoughts to believe in Master and the Fa, and eliminate the attachment to validating myself.
The heart of validating self has transformed into tears of gratitude. Thank you, Master! Thank you, Dafa! Also, thank you fellow practitioners from mainland China and overseas for offering so much help!
When I finally walked out of the fog, I realized how miserable and difficult it was when I was stuck there. I also realized that I should not have been lost in the fog for so many years.
Master's Fa is like a beacon of light lit up high above my head, but I had my eyes closed and so bumped into walls. It was like the old saying: “Holding a golden bowl and begging for food.” I let Master down and did not live up to Master's requirements.
From now on, if I see fellow practitioners looking for solutions in the human world to solve problems in cultivation, I will remind them: “Dafa is boundless! Study the Fa well and use righteous thoughts!”
I wrote this experience sharing to remind myself, as well as fellow practitioners who may be lost in a fog like I once was.
Please kindly point out any shortcomings.