(Minghui.org) Greetings, Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I’m a freshman at Fei Tian College Middletown. I’m very grateful to be part of this cultivation environment and it helped me find my shortcomings and attachments. I would like to share some of my recent experiences with you.
Eliminating Doubt
I was filled with doubt and uncertainty about which path I should take. Throughout high school I focused mainly on academics and STEM subjects so that my college applications would look good. I doubted others’ advice when they suggested I apply for Fei Tian College Middletown because I felt other colleges would prepare me to get a good job. I felt other colleges had a better reputation, which in turn would make me look better. Looking back, my show off mentality and attachment to reputation was so strong that it blinded my judgment on what is truly important and what my purpose is. Master warned us,
“Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa.” (“Cultivators’ Avoidances,” Essentials for Further Advancements)
Beneath my doubt about attending Fei Tian College Middletown was my attachment to fame and my wish to be thought well of. When I think about it now, this was a dangerous attachment that could have led me to deviate from the righteous path and I could have fallen in cultivation. My realization changed my outlook on cultivation and I was reminded of our mission, which is to validate the Fa and save sentient beings. When I realized this, my mind was clear and it was easy to see what I should do to help instead of pursuing superficial interests.
I wasn’t sure which major I should choose. I thought I would choose Data Science because it’s practical and I can get a stable job and live comfortably. I never thought I was attached to money, but when this thought arose, I realized I was not following the Fa (teachings). I was selfish and calculating and I only wanted to gain and live comfortably. I still held onto the interests of ordinary people and I was similar to the “smart” individual Master described in Zhuan Falun.
As a cultivator, I should be able to let go of the bad things and material benefits in order to gain the “improvement of my levels” Master mentioned in Lecture 4 of Zhuan Falun. Practitioners in the Fa Rectification period have their vows to complete. I realized this and thought that I needed to study the Fa more in order to find my path instead of using human logic or interests to decide.
While reflecting on the path I took and the decisions I made so far, I realized the path Master arranged for me. It was no coincidence that I focused on STEM subjects throughout my life and I was also already introduced to coding in high school. I was always interested in the arts, but again, it was no coincidence that I never managed to study them deeply. They were just a hobby.
Still I doubted my path to learn Data Science because I didn’t find coding enjoyable and it was difficult. I often cursed at the programming language and questioned why I had to learn this alien language.
Master said,
“Whether a person likes to do something or not, is happy or unhappy, loves or hates something, and everything in the entire human society comes from this qing. If this qing is not relinquished, you will be unable to cultivate.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
I realized my attachments to qing (emotion) and comfort made me doubt my decisions. Preferences are just notions that interfere with what I should do. It’s important to reflect on the Fa to see what I should do, and do it well. Sticking to what I like to do and avoiding what I don’t like hinder my cultivation and my goal. Instead of being attached to qing, I should do everything I can to help, and give my best to whatever I do.
I realized I was finding fault with the subjects taught instead of looking within to find my own faults. There were obvious reasons why some subjects were required; the professor put in a lot of effort and consideration into preparing the materials. As a cultivator, I should look at everything with compassion, so it was wrong of me to curse at a subject I found challenging. I also realized that I should look for the good in others. I finally understood this was a good opportunity for me to improve and gain the skills to help in Dafa projects.
I was also jealous of my peers when I saw them getting good results while I struggled to understand the content. I mentioned my attachment to jealousy when I studied the Fa with my mother and she reminded me that my classmates may have suffered in their previous lifetimes so now it was easier for them.
I forgot that everyone’s state is different and I didn’t consider how much they might have suffered to gain what they deserve in this lifetime. My peers seem to be intelligent and capable, but who knows how much work they put in behind the scenes? I learned that when the task is difficult, I should put in more effort instead of looking outward and comparing myself with others.
I realized I had another issue: Even though I’ve practiced for more than 7 years, I still occasionally doubt Master and the Fa because I don’t experience or feel a lot of things that Master mentioned. This became one of my biggest insecurities and made me doubt whether I was a true cultivator and if Master was looking after me.
These doubts are also attachments and they surface because I haven’t done well in other aspects of cultivation. Do I truly study the Fa or do I just read it? Was I strict with myself and did I follow the Fa’s requirements? Instead of worrying about how Master treats me, I should focus on cultivating myself.
I forget everything Master did for me and what the Fa taught me. But when I remember, I feel ashamed for doubting Dafa and Master. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for Master. Master purified my body and I forgot what it feels like to be ill.
I took my good health for granted and forgot how sick I was before I practiced. I was so ill that I almost dropped out of school. This alone shows how much Master has done for me and yet I doubted Him.
Doubt gives me a negative outlook on my cultivation. This strong attachment drags my xinxing down and shows that I’m not adhering to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I was distracted from improving myself and I did not look inward. Even if I fall short in certain areas, I should “...rise from the fall and continue to cultivate.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun) instead of getting attached and continuing to doubt myself. I learned that it’s important to have a positive attitude and continue to cultivate according to the Fa’s teachings.
Cultivating Compassion
I recently realized that I haven’t cultivated compassion. I chatted with a friend and we gossiped about a lot of stuff that happened during high school. At first, it felt good to just talk about everyday things. After a while, another friend who was also a practitioner left the conversation because he felt uncomfortable; he later reminded me that practitioners shouldn’t gossip.
When I reflected on our conversation I realized I wasn’t compassionate towards others and I even entertained myself by talking about their shortcomings. The next day, I woke up with a sore throat and it lasted for a week. This was a clear warning that I ignored cultivation of speech, and I did not adhere to Shan (compassion). I learned a valuable lesson that I should be strict with myself and hold myself to a high standard while being compassionate towards others.
Looking back, there were several other incidents that showed I lacked compassion. For the longest time, I wouldn’t point out other people’s problems, including my friends’ and family’s. I thought each person was on their own cultivation journey so if I pointed out their problems, I felt I would be interfering instead of helping them. The truth is, deep down, I was afraid that people would resent me for criticizing them so I remained indifferent. I was focused on myself and wanted to save face. I didn’t have compassion for others and try to help them.
Master said,
“When a person can’t recognize an issue, of course it’s not wrong for you to point it out. But when you point something out, it must be done with kind intentions. You are cultivating compassion, so you must have kind intentions.”(Teachings at the Conference in Los Angeles)
I now understand why it’s important to have a cultivation environment—it allows us to help each other and improve together. I shouldn’t be indifferent. Instead I should cultivate a compassionate state of mind so that I can help others.
When I reflected on my lack of compassion, I also realized I didn’t treat my dad well. Throughout my childhood, my parents worked night shifts. My dad often traveled for work and was seldom home. I grew up independent from my parents and especially my dad. When I went to the U.S. to attend high school I was never homesick.
When I returned home for summer break, I realized I felt indifferent towards my parents. I looked within and found that I resented my dad and I unconsciously judged him. When I realized this, I felt I failed terribly as a cultivator and as a son. I lacked compassion and forbearance for my dad. I was not filial at all. My resentment blinded me from seeing how hard my parents always worked. I only looked at surface appearances and failed to see the good intentions in others including my parents. Master taught us to always have kind intentions and treat others with compassion.
My lack of compassion also affected how I viewed others. I felt some people were annoying because of the way they acted. I was irritated by everything they said. I usually remained silent because I thought that if I didn’t have anything good to say, then I shouldn’t say anything. Even though I was able to control myself, I was still irritated and I was in a very foul mood. I thought that holding in my negative opinions and bad thoughts was good enough, but Master taught us that we really need to eliminate the attachment and practice compassion.
Master said,
“Not only should you not compete and fight like him, but also you should not resent that person in your heart. Really, you should not hate that person. If you hate that person, aren’t you upset? You have not followed forbearance. We practice Zhen-Shan-Ren, and you would have even less compassion to speak of.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
Even though it’s hard to completely rid myself of these negative thoughts, I will reflect on the Fa more and stop myself whenever these thoughts and criticisms surface. I need to be strict with myself in order to truly improve and adhere to Zhen-Shan-Ren (Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance).
During my freshman year I learned a lot about myself and saw many of my hidden attachments. I am very grateful to be a part of this environment which has helped me cultivate diligently and see what’s truly important.
Master reminded me that everything is possible and helped cast away many doubts and worries. I hope that everyone can cultivate diligently and improve together in this precious period of time. My understanding of the Fa is limited, so if there are any shortcomings or attachments in my sharing, please kindly point them out.
Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
(Presented at the 2024 Fei Tian College-Middletown Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference)
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