I Was Finally Able to Overcome My Resentment

(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa 24 years ago, but only yesterday was I able to openly study the Fa (teachings) and do the exercises in my home. 

I’d like to tell you how I finally understood the importance of looking inward during family tribulations.

I married a non-practitioner. My husband was a college student and we didn’t have much money. After he graduated, he got a job but was soon laid off. My salary was meager, so my mother-in-law looked down on me, saying I had a bad fate. She often pointed her finger at me and instigated my husband to beat me. Her family did not accept my practicing Falun Dafa.

When the persecution of Falun Dafa began in 1999, my husband destroyed all my Dafa books. I knew Falun Dafa was good, but I couldn’t stand up to him. I was afraid he would beat me and I felt intimidated by my in-laws. My hands trembled whenever I heard my mother-in-law open the door.

Everything I did in the house was wrong, and I felt muddle-headed. My brain seemed locked; all I knew was to tolerate the abuse. My cowardice encouraged their evil actions. My in-laws showed the evil side of human nature to me without any scruples, which also caused them to create sinful karma for themselves. Due to my thought karma, I did not remember many of the Falun Dafa principles. I only remembered some of Master’s words,

“But as we have taught, a practitioner should refrain from fighting back and always hold himself to high standards.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun).

When the situation seemed to hit rock bottom, I obtained a pocket-sized copy of Zhuan Falun. It was a treasure, but I could only read it when I was alone at home during my lunch break. Every day at noon, when I got home, I lifted the bed covers, grabbed my pillow, unraveled the stitches, and took out Zhuan Falun. I read for half an hour, then hid the book again. I went back to work with an empty stomach. Because I was reading the book, I became increasingly alert and my main consciousness became stronger.

After I told my husband that I wanted to resume practicing, he beat me every day. I did not know how to look inward to find my attachments; I just wanted to practice my faith. One time, my husband kicked me so severely that he broke some of my ribs. We were divorced for six months but remarried. Whenever I said I wanted to practice, he beat me. At the time, my greatest wish was to have a room in which to study the Fa and do the exercises.

My Cultivation Environment Changes

I had a lot of thought karma and my attachment to lust was very strong. The old forces used my husband to pull me down. When our lives seemed to improve, he had an affair after he began working for a different company. I was heavily attached to him until I saw the woman sitting in his car. He did not usually let me ride in his car. I told my daughter, “Mommy is very sad. I saw your father drive that woman home.”

I suddenly realized what was going on. After I had this realization I felt relieved. That evening when my husband returned he said, “If you don’t gamble, you’ll win!”

I didn’t understand what he meant, but the heavy burden on my heart was gone. I was no longer obsessed with what he did with other women. I let go of the attachment, and my life changed. The company sent my husband to a different city. I now had an environment for cultivation, and I could do the three things a Dafa disciple should do.

Resentment Causes My Face to Change

Being bullied by my in-laws and scolded by my husband for so long, I developed strong resentment toward them. I often remembered their words and deeds, and I didn’t know how to reject them. While cleaning the windows one day, my mind kept hearing my mother-in-law’s ominous words. As I was thinking and feeling resentful, a glass bottle about a foot away from me burst for no reason. My wrist was cut.

I realized that I shouldn’t have been thinking so negatively. I often bad-mouthed my mother-in-law to other practitioners and my coworkers. I did not cultivate my speech and often had ulcers in my mouth as a result. I was full of resentment. I didn’t know how to cultivate based on the Fa. Instead, I focused on the fact that they took away my things and bullied me.

Although I clarified the truth about Falun Dafa to my in-laws, they did not accept what I said. My husband was promoted to manager at a local branch office with a higher pay. But he still didn’t give me any money. My daughter and I lived on my meager wages while my in-laws enjoyed the good life.

My mother-in-law bought a new set of clothes every few days, and showed them off. I did not even own a change of clothes. I had to wear one set of clothes. Since one set of clothes was never suitable for all seasons, I always looked forward to the cool days when the weather was hot and looked forward to the hot days when the weather was cool.

I was indignant that my mother-in-law controlled my husband and excluded me and my daughter. We were one family after all.

After she had a stroke, my husband and I paid for all her treatments. We also bought her an apartment and hired a caregiver for her. She had two sons, but my husband and I paid for everything. Even though I had no say, I did my best to take care of my mother-in-law while she was sick. My kindness did not change my husband. He beat me as usual if he saw me reading the teachings or doing the exercises.

By this time, I had been practicing Falun Dafa for almost 20 years. I only knew how to endure and did not know how to cultivate based on the Fa. I still treated everything with human notions.

Finally, my resentment swelled up, and I made a big mistake. One day, an improper thought flashed across my mind: Why haven’t I overcome the family tribulation? I already endured it to such an extent. Why was I still not good enough?

I later realized I had a lot of karma, and Master had been protecting me. Even though the old forces looked down on me, they did not dare to take action. But once this evil thought that disrespected Master Li and the Fa came out, the old forces found an excuse to persecute me.

I felt a substance pour down the right side of my head. It felt like my head was glued, and my face could not move. I had facial paralysis. My paralyzed face tarnished my image and negatively impacted Dafa.

A Light at the End Of the Tunnel

Facing a completely different me in the mirror, I was awakened and realized the seriousness of cultivation. I finally started to cultivate myself properly. My husband was transferred to our city and was demoted from general manager to a regular employee. His high salary and glamour were gone.

I treated myself as a true cultivator according to the standards of the Fa and let go of past grudges. I cared for him and helped him relieve his worries. My mother-in-law’s speech and intelligence were impaired after her brain surgery. When my sister-in-law was young, her mother bullied her. She took revenge, and even the care giver took advantage of my mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law’s hygiene was terrible, and she always smelled bad. I pitied her: She was now just a poor, disabled woman. From the time she got sick to the time she died six years later, I never raised my voice to her and never lost my patience with her. I bought her nice clothes. When I purchased a ring for myself she admired it so much that I gave it to her. I also bathed her and washed her clothes.

My brother-in-law and his wife knew my husband had lost his high paying job and could not afford his mother’s living expenses, but they pretended not to notice and did not help out. I gave my husband one thousand yuan each month from my meager salary and saved the rest for my daughter’s schooling. I ate cheap, preserved vegetables. My kindness finally moved my mother-in-law, and she began telling people that I was her youngest daughter. A few days before she passed away, her spirit bid me farewell. I finally resolved the grievances between us.

After my mother-in-law died, my brother and sister-in-law’s son lost several hundred thousand yuan gambling. On top of that, they lost another 200,000 to 300,000 yuan in raising geese. They were once the wealthiest people in the village but they were suddenly heavily indebted. I did my best to comfort them and help them. At that time, pork cost more than 20 yuan per pound, and they could not afford it. So I bought meat for them for one year.

My sister-in-law had to pay off the huge debt. I used my salary as a guarantee to help them get a 120,000 yuan interest-free loan from the bank. I was afraid that if they were unable to repay the loan, I would be stuck paying it. I would lose my income if I had to pay the debt. But thinking of them in distress, I thought I should help them. My heart capacity became bigger. My paralyzed face was almost back to normal; although I did not look as good as I did before.

What is even more gratifying is that my family environment has changed. My home is quiet now. I can study the Fa and do the exercises with peace of mind. My husband has changed even more. He never did any housework, but now he washes the dishes and helps around the house. He also cares about me.

When we moved to a new building, I said I wanted to do the Falun Dafa exercises in a certain room in the mornings, and he consented. After more than 20 years, I can finally do the exercises in my home with dignity. I shed tears when I meditated. I know I still have a long way to go to help my husband and his family understand the facts about the persecution and withdraw their memberships in the Chinese Communist Party. But, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Conclusion

After reading Master’s articles “Stay Out of Danger” and “Cultivation in Dafa Is Serious,” I was even more aware that my family’s difficulties were a hurdle I had to overcome, and my karma caused the tribulations. I felt bad and shed tears of gratitude for Master’s grace. I sincerely thank compassionate and great Master.

This is the first experience sharing article I’ve ever written. I want to tell other practitioners who have not been able to pass tribulations for a long time: Although our enlightenment quality is poor, we must persist and not give up cultivation. As long as we believe in Master and the Fa, we will definitely usher in a bright tomorrow. I would also like to thank all the practitioners who provided me with a cultivation environment for more than 20 years.