A Tribulation Revealed the Need to Let Go of Emotions and Negative Thoughts

(Minghui.org) I’d like to tell you how I improved my character xinxing. The process helped me see more clearly how human notions and emotions can bury our true nature.

It started when I gave practitioner Ying’s article to our project editor. I told the editor my opinion of the article, and she agreed. When I told Ying about the article’s shortcomings she did not agree. In order to prove my point, which was another bad attachment of mine, I told her that I had a discussion with the editor, and the editor agreed with me. Ying said that I stabbed her in the back and that I was not trying to help her.

Her blaming me hurt my feelings, and I felt also depressed. But, I knew that we should use fellow practitioners as a mirror for our actions and behavior. I realized that I was blaming another practitioner because of something she said which did not conform to my way of thinking. So, I asked her if what I said hurt her, and she said yes. I finally understood how terrible that felt, and I finally realized how far my actions were from compassion.

Although I was enlightened that I was not compassionate enough to others, my heart was still not at ease. One night as I was falling asleep, I asked myself if there was something wrong with how I handled the issue. From Ying’s perspective, she was still learning as she just started to write articles. Of course, she wanted the editor to have a good opinion of her, so she could be recognized, and have an opportunity to contribute to the project. From her perspective, I understood why she was so upset, and I began to feel ashamed. I could have handled it better. I should have first given her some suggestions, asked if she wanted my help and if she would let me revise the article, and then submit it to the editor.

After I understood that I should have thought about it from her perspective, I also realized that in my heart, I was not willing to help her. This unwillingness was a form of emotion, which hindered me from considering her feelings. But, where did this come from? When I thought about it, I saw that I was opinionated and had notions about her. I always thought that she had a strong personality. She wanted to control the project, and her behavior caused a lot of issues among practitioners. So I was wary of her. I also thought that I was being responsible for maintaining the stability of the project. This notion arose from the complaints about her that I heard from other practitioners, and from my experience with other people. These notions were magnified by the influence of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) indoctrination I experienced throughout the years.

I was really able to see how my notions and emotion affected my thoughts and actions, including my attitude toward Ying. My bad thoughts about her immediately dissipated. I thought that Master Li (Dafa’s founder) is watching the things that we do, yet I was blocking her. What if her participation in the project was arranged by Master? I thought I was maintaining the stability of the project. In fact, I was trying to maintain a state that kept me from having conflicts. But aren’t conflicts opportunities for practitioners to improve? When I blocked her, did I also block the opportunities for myself and other practitioners to improve? When I realized this, my heart was at peace. I was able to let go of attachments that I couldn’t before.

That night, I dreamed I was in school. I was told that I was going to take an examination, and the date was earlier than I thought, so I was very anxious. Looking at the course materials, there were things that I learned well in the past, but I played around and wasted so much time that I forgot much of what I knew. What should I do? Was there still enough time to prepare for the exam? A friend from Changchun whom I hadn’t seen for many years gave me a paper that had the answers. He told me everything was on it. He seemed very worried. He told me to be well prepared so that I could pass the exam. After I woke up, I didn’t immediately realize why I had that dream. Why did I dream about having an upcoming exam, and why did I need a friend to give me a paper with the answers? I later realized that this might be a hint for me that I needed to study the Fa more, and all the answers for passing the tribulations were in the Fa.

Realizing What Compassion Is

About a week later, I tested positive for COVID. I was surprised. Fortunately, I just got Hong Yin VI.

Master said:

“...The superior man meets adversity head-on with a smileThe average man can nary keep calm when faced with ordealThe lesser man fails to abolish his human wants and thoughts ...”(“The Challenges of Saving Self and Other,” Hong Yin VI)

I thought that I should get through this tribulation with a smile, and look at it as a good thing.

My COVID symptoms were relatively mild. My throat was a little sore, but I could talk normally. However, many of my attachments and human thoughts bothered me. The first was vanity. “How are other practitioners going to view my cultivation state now that I tested positive?” The second was my attachment to the virus itself. If I hadn’t tested positive and just had a sore throat and cold symptoms, perhaps my heart would not be moved nearly as much. The third was my understanding of testing positive. I tested positive, but did I really have the virus? When I thought about all these things, I began to reflect on my cultivation state of the past one to two years.

I have never been able to do all five sets of exercises every day. Most of the time I only did exercises one to four. When the one-hour version of the second exercise music was published in 2018, I realized that it was time to do it for an hour, and I felt a strong energy field when I held that thought. However, I wasn’t able to continue doing this.

That year, my mother, who is not a practitioner, asked me, “You read Zhuan Falunevery day. You should have memorized it by now, right?” I was surprised she said this. I also understood that it was Master’s hint for me to memorize the Fa. But when I tried before, I wasn’t able to stick to it.

After the COVID outbreak in 2020, our weekly group Fa study had to be canceled. I was about to graduate and my workload at school increased. Although I read the Fa every day, my thoughts were on my school work. As time went by, I got used to it, and my cultivation state worsened from day to day without me realizing it. In addition to reading Zhuan Falun, I used to read Master’s other lectures, but I also stopped doing that. As a result, my thinking became more and more like an ordinary person’s. Even when I was doing Dafa projects, I lacked the state that a practitioner should have, and I no longer had a sacred feeling.

When the new Lunyu was published, I memorized it rather fast. However, since I relaxed in cultivation during the pandemic, I had difficulty reciting it from memory. I still read a lecture in Zhuan Falun every day, and I was still involved in Dafa projects. I thought I was diligent. But in reality, I was falling behind. From my current understanding, reading the Fa but not really internalizing the Fa, was the biggest reason my cultivation state was declining.

I started to memorize Zhuan Falun. When I got to the beginning of Lecture Three, I was shocked. Master said, “I treat every student of ours as my disciple.” Master has such great compassion for us, yet I often judged and labeled practitioners using my human notions and qing. I usually did not have compassion for the practitioners I disagreed with. How could I treat Master’s other disciples like this? Thinking about it, I had a deeper understanding of my attitude toward other practitioners, and a deeper understanding of compassion.

Master said,

“Can you be considered a Falun Dafa disciple if you just practice these few sets of exercises every day? Not necessarily. This is because true cultivation must follow the requirements of the xinxing standard that we have mentioned, and you have to truly improve your xinxing—then, it is true cultivation.” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)

When I memorized this part, I also thought about it more than I usually did. While participating in group activities, we call ourselves Dafa practitioners, as if it was such a normal thing to do. But when I reflected on myself, did my thoughts, words, and actions all meet the requirements of a Dafa practitioner? In fact, in many things, I was not able to strictly maintain my xinxing.

I saw the similarities between my way of thinking and the Old Forces’. I used my own notions and concepts to measure things, which set up many obstacles on my cultivation path.

I also saw how the deeply hidden CCP indoctrination in me always prevented me from understanding and assimilating to Falun Dafa’s principles. The CCP indoctrination is evil. If our thinking is based on it, our first thought would be negative, and we may maliciously speculate about things and people. This bad substance really blocked me from using the Fa’s principles as my starting point! After realizing this, I wanted to assimilate to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, get rid of my human notions, and return to my good nature. At the same time, I also realized that each principle of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance includes all three characteristics. I used to think that although I was not compassionate enough towards others, at least I was being honest, and thus I conformed to truthfulness. When I reflected on my behavior, I was actually neither compassionate or truthful; because my true self, with my innate nature and without the acquired concepts, is inherently compassionate.

In addition to reading the Fa, I also increased the length of time I did the exercises, including doing the second exercise for one hour. I also memorized the Fa every day before going to bed, and I often recited, “Falun Dafa is good; Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.” I tested negative for COVID, and I also stopped coughing.

Other people’s kindness contributed to my changes during that time. When my teacher, who is not a practitioner, learned that I tested positive, she bought lots of fruit and food and came to see me despite the heavy rain. She was not afraid of being infected at all. She just wanted me to know she was concerned about me. Her selflessness, sincerity, and kindness really moved me.

When I reflect on that whole experience now, I feel that it was showing me how to get rid of selfishness and bad thoughts. My teacher’s genuine concern showed me what compassion and selflessness are. The “bad thing” indeed turned into a good thing.

My Changes

After I returned to work, Ying and I discussed using text messages. She then made a proposal. In the past, I would have denied her suggestion based on my experience. But, this time I said to myself, “Wait, is this really so absolute? Can it really not be done this way?” I immediately realized how I could cooperate with her and contribute to her idea to make her article a success. I told her, “Go for it, and I can help.” She was very happy. I felt that my inner capacity had expanded. Now, I no longer rush to a conclusion and deny other people’s proposals by overemphasizing the shortcomings. Instead, I try to think positively about how I can help complement it and make it successful.

But even though I felt I had let go of my negative notions toward Ying, I still sensed some substance from previous conflicts that were separating us. I decided to eliminate it. In the past, the other practitioners and I complained about Ying. I talked to all those practitioners about my changes and asked them to forget what I once said about Ying. I shared with them that cultivation means we should all look inward. Then, I went to Ying and sincerely apologized to her. I admitted that I could have handled things better in the past, and the things I said really hurt her feelings. I asked for her forgiveness. She also looked inward, and I felt that the gap between us finally disappear.

Now I can truly feel the power of compassion and the wisdom coming from compassion. From the bottom of my heart, I want to assimilate to Falun Dafa’s principles, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, be a good person, and be someone who’s even better than a good person. I hope I will be able to cultivate more diligently.