Changing Human Notions and Truly Looking Inward

(Minghui.org) I found a large lump in my lower abdomen in June 2021. Then a fellow practitioner appeared in my mind. She was very thin, had a bloated belly, and passed away due to cancer. Recently, my colleagues noticed that I lost a lot of weight and felt that I might be under a lot of pressure because I didn’t eat or sleep well.

Some negative thoughts came to my mind. I might be dying, as cancer is usually at the final stage once diagnosed. If I died, who would look after my mother and how would my colleagues view this? They all knew that I cultivated Falun Dafa, and my death could negatively affect their views of practitioners. I thought I can’t die, and started to send righteous thoughts.

I knew these were illusions, as Master Li taught that true Dafa practitioners have no illnesses. But why did these illusions come to me? I looked inward and found my attachments to fame and ego. I had the wish to be the best teacher in my school. The average score and the highest score in each subject must be my students. Otherwise, I would feel bad. I would be angry if their grades didn’t meet my expectations. This showed my jealousy and competitive mentality. I was ashamed that I hadn’t eliminated my attachment to “self.”

I thought I had found my fundamental attachment, but it wasn’t the root cause. When I thought that I was going to die, my first thought was about my mother. I have a very strong attachment to my mother. I promised that I wouldn’t let her suffer. In 2018, she saw the police arresting me at my home and suffered great mental pressure from the experience.

She then had to live with my sister. I always felt that I owed my mother a lot and failed to provide a stable and peaceful living environment for her during her latter years. Whenever my mother’s name was mentioned, I couldn’t stop crying. This time, my first thought was my mother again. I knew that my affection for her was too deep. I tried to remove the attachment in the past, but it was still strong. I needed to get rid of it this time!

Although I was looking inward, my heart still felt a bit heavy. I shared my thoughts with a few other practitioners and hoped to get some help from them. However, I didn’t get any. I knew I was not confident and was trying to look outward for answers. In the meantime, I was a little disappointed and thought that the other practitioners were selfish. However, this experience also exposed my selfishness.

When a fellow practitioner was going through a tribulation four years ago, I tended to be indifferent, saying that it was his own problem and others couldn’t play a decisive role. When I was going through my tribulation, a practitioner reminded me of what I said and thought I was being selfish. I sincerely thank practitioners for pointing out my shortcomings.

I was more at ease upon discovering this shortcoming, but I still didn’t completely let go of it in my heart. I understood that looking inward and correcting myself was the key to cultivation, but I just couldn’t stop focusing on the lump.

I stayed at my mother’s place for a few days during the summer break. My family thought that I was too thin, but they didn’t know why. I didn’t tell them either.

I talked with a practitioner who believed that my “true self” was separated from the Fa. I was surprised and asked what he thought caused the separation. He said he saw a big iron egg, and I was inside the egg. He then cited Master’s Fa:

“...with a compassion that can melt steel you will be able to do it well.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)

What I lacked was compassion. When we get rid of emotion, compassion will naturally emerge. I had strong attachments to affection, fame, and self-interest, but lacked compassion.

He also pointed out my resentment. I often ground my teeth with contempt for my father when talking about him before his death. Through these years, I didn’t realize that my strong attachment to my mother was also because of my father. I was actually very selfish. I thought my dedication to my family was selfless. In fact, I was actually trying to get their attention and recognition. If I saw any shortcomings in my colleagues, I was happy in my heart and glad that I didn’t have such problems. It’s like I had life insurance since I practiced Dafa cultivation.

The practitioner hoped that I could look within more after encountering this illusion. I really appreciated his pointing out my problem.

I was then thinking whether I should go to the hospital or not. There were two voices in my head. One saying, “Why don’t you go to hospital?” The other saying, “Cultivators don’t have diseases. Illusions are due to problems in cultivation.”

The first voice then came back saying, “What if I can’t correct myself in time, and the lump takes my life?” Then the second one responded, “Master has the final say. Dafa is for cultivation, rather than curing illnesses!”

When I was firm on not going to the hospital, I decided to overcome the tribulation and deny whatever was imposed on me. I felt a lot better.

After I returned home, I watched Master’s lectures from Guangzhou twice. I knew that I needed to get rid of my attachments. I believed this lump had nothing to do with me, so why did I still care about it? I knew it was acquired notions that dominated my mind, not my true self. Therefore, I needed to eliminate it.

Twenty days later, I wasn’t that skinny anymore. On the first day of school in September, I didn’t want to go, and hoped to teach online so my colleagues wouldn’t see that something was wrong with me. This actually exposed my attachment to saving face. Any human attachment will block my path of cultivation, and I must eliminate it.

I asked Master for help on September 6. After a few days, I didn’t feel anything wrong and only experienced a bit of pain after work. I was very happy as Master was taking care of me.

I have been practicing Falun Dafa for over 23 years. On the surface, I study the Fa, do the exercises, and send forth righteous thoughts every day. I also do what I can to clarify the facts. It looks like I’m a Dafa cultivator, but actually I have been wandering outside the door of cultivation. I haven’t eliminated the attachments that should have been eliminated long ago. These attachments accumulated and formed the large lump I have today. This is really a stick warning for me.

I would like to thank fellow practitioners for their sharing on the Fa and for pointing out my shortcomings. I am grateful to Master and determined to walk firmly on the path of cultivation.