Let Go of the Confrontational Mindset to Defuse Family Tensions

(Minghui.org) At present, there are still some practitioners whose family relationships are not so good, and I realized that the “confrontational mentality” was one of the reasons behind it.

When the Chinese Communist Party just started to persecute Falun Dafa, many practitioners’ families were so afraid that they vigorously objected to the practitioners reading Dafa books or clarifying the facts. With strong faith, most of us persevered with righteous thoughts and Master’s blessings. Over time, the overall social environment also improved as people began to understand the facts thanks to our truth-clarification efforts.

Although the environment is more relaxed, the “confrontational mentality” of some Dafa practitioners still persists. They take their family’s lack of understanding and support for the practice as a reflection of their fear of persecution, thinking, “You may be afraid, but I’m not. Since I can’t make you understand, I’ll just stick with it.” In fact, oftentimes, it is not our family members’ fear that causes tensions in our relationships, but our own “confrontational mentality” that invites it.

For example, one practitioner insists on studying the Fa in the morning and nothing can interfere with that routine. When his family asked him to buy soy sauce at the supermarket, he was reluctant to go because he thought he could run the errand in the afternoon, and buying it in the morning would interfere with his Fa study. As I understand it, Master did not insist that we study the Fa in the morning. His family only asked him to buy soy sauce, but he interpreted it as the family not allowing him to study the Fa. So they would naturally be unhappy.

With sending rights thoughts four times a day, it sometimes coincides with dinner. Some practitioners choose to send righteous thoughts instead of eating dinner with their families. Though taking the sending of righteous thoughts seriously is encouraged, for everyday people, having dinner with the whole family is very important. If we always look at things from our own point of view and look down on what others think is important, we aren’t upholding Dafa, even though we may think we are.

If things go on like this for a long time, there are sure to be family conflicts. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take Dafa seriously, but if we act like this for a long time, how can we expect our family to say that Dafa is good? Aren’t we ourselves causing unnecessary loss?

If, instead, we buy the soy sauce first and find time later to do our reading, if we have dinner with our family and send righteous thoughts afterward, we will avoid family conflicts since we are considering things from their point of view. When our family thinks that we are becoming better people as a result of practicing Dafa, aren’t we validating the Fa? Of course, if dinner time always clashes with righteous thoughts, we can discuss it with our family and adjust things.

Practitioners who are confrontational usually think that it is “evil interference” that causes the problems in their family, yet the real issue is their failure to think from their family’s perspective.

A practitioner’s father-in-law found her a good-paying job, but it interfered with her Fa study, so she quit. Her father-in-law got angry and thought that she was not good and didn’t support her practicing Dafa anymore. She saw the job as interfering with her practice. However, in other people’s view, her father-in-law tried very hard to find her a good job, and she quit without saying anything or considering what her father-in-law would think. Of course, he would not be happy. Others would also think that she was not polite. We need to be steadfast with our cultivation in ways that others can understand, rather than in a rigid way.

Master said,

“If you can always be compassionate and calm, you will handle the issues that arise in your life well since you will have a buffer, in a sense. Things will work out well if you are always compassionate and good to others, thoughtful towards people, and handle whatever situations you get into with people by first pausing to consider how well your actions will go over with the other party and whether anyone will be hurt by them.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

An everyday person wants to live well and comfortably, and he considers everything in everyday society important, while a practitioner does not. These are opposing mindsets, so we need to see things through a nonpractitioner’s eyes to smooth things out. That way, they feel that we are good and Dafa is good. This is also validating Dafa.

Some practitioners might say their families will only be happy if we stop cultivating. Does that mean we should all stop cultivating altogether? Of course not. Through my personal experiences, I’ve found that many conflicts are not caused by family members’ fear, but by practitioners’ failing to consider others, or not being able to let go of our own attachments.

As another example, a practitioner who did all the housework thought that she was doing well. However, she had a habit of resting after dinner and washing the dishes a few hours later. Her husband was not happy. She thought to herself, “I do the dishes anyway. As long as I do it, it doesn’t matter if I do it a little later.” However, this made her husband unhappy and often caused trouble in her cultivation.

Later, she improved and started to wash the dishes right after each meal. That pleased her husband and he didn’t interfere as much with her cultivation. At the same time, her daughter’s longstanding habit of not cleaning up her room disappeared. She was very surprised and said, “So this is how cultivation works: Once you improve yourself, everything around you will change for the better.”

For a long time, some of us have not realized that it has been the attachment of a “confrontational mentality” that creates family tensions. On the surface, we are trying to defend Dafa, but, in fact, we are not. We need to do things as Dafa has required us to by considering others. When our family members are happy and have a good relationship with us, they will more likely have a positive view of Dafa.

The above are my personal understandings. Please correct me if there is anything improper.

Editor’s Note: This article only represents the author’s understanding in their current cultivation state meant for sharing among practitioners so that we can “Compare with one another in study, in cultivation.” (“Solid Cultivation,” Hong Yin)