[International Online Fahui] Letting Go of Ego and Remembering Why I Practice Falun Dafa

(Minghui.org) Greetings Venerable Master! Greetings fellow practitioner!

I began practicing Falun Dafa in the U.S. in 2008 and I’ve experienced many ups and downs in my cultivation. I’d like to share some of my experiences with you. 

The financial crisis swept across the U.S just as I finished my PhD degree in 2008. Many people lost their jobs. I couldn’t find a job either. This was a big blow as everything always came easily to me. I also had health problems after giving birth. I developed insomnia. I felt exhausted and irritable and had frequent stomachaches. I was depressed and easily lost my temper. I was in bad shape. 

My mother pointed out that only Dafa could help me, so I began to read Zhuan Falun. I understood the real purpose of life and why human beings suffer. Gradually my thoughts became peaceful and my health improved. Amazingly, I was able to fall asleep immediately after I finished meditating. The neurasthenia that plagued me disappeared. My stomachaches and eye pressure were gone. 

I became healthy and energetic after I started practicing Falun Dafa. Within a year, I earned a second Master’s degree and quickly found a job. Looking back, I realized that without Falun Dafa, I would have continued to struggle with poor health and lack of confidence. 

Letting Go of Expanding Ambition

I didn’t let go of this attachment until I had cultivated for many years. People with high academic degrees know they are capable so they are usually assertive. They look down on others and focus on succeeding. My attachment to ambition was pretty strong. 

I felt I was more capable than others and I wanted everyone to know it. My capabilities brought me promotions and a high salary. This in turn expanded my ambition. The old forces took advantage of my loophole. My workload and responsibilities at my job increased. I even had to work on weekends. I spent less and less time studying the Fa or doing the exercises. I felt exhausted after work. I fell asleep when I meditated, sent righteous thoughts or read the Fa. My stomachaches and neurasthenia reappeared. I felt that I was at the limit of my forbearance and that I was no longer cultivating. 

One day I stood in front of Master Li’s (Dafa’s founder) picture and asked him to arrange an easier job for me. I didn’t care how much I got paid. I no longer wanted ambition and I wouldn’t pursue “success.” I wanted only one job so that I could balance my family and work better. I wanted to use all my spare time doing the three things. 

Master must have seen my sincere wish to let go of my attachment. Another department in my company soon had a job opening. The work was much easier but the salary was still good. There were many applicants for the job. The boss selected me and negotiated with my other boss. I was successfully transferred to the new position. My colleagues were surprised, but I knew in my heart that Master arranged this job for me. 

Since my work was not very busy, I had plenty of time to do the three things. I felt very happy and felt like I melted into the Fa every day. Master requires that practitioners be good people wherever they are. I no longer had ambition in my work. 

I became more and more peaceful after my notions changed. My showing off, competitiveness and arrogance disappeared. My colleagues, family members, friends and local practitioners used to say that I was aggressive and wanted the upper hand in everything. I changed and became good-tempered and kind. Even my facial expression and voice became gentle. I knew if Falun Dafa hadn’t rectified me, I would have slipped deeper and deeper into the sea of desires and my health would have worsened. Master gave me everything. Thank you Master for re-shaping me!

Participating in Dafa-Validation Projects and Eliminating Ego

Master gave me not only good health and peace of mind but also opportunities to assist in Fa-rectification and save sentient beings. Under the guidance of the Fa, I’m slowly able to let go of my attachments. My most stubborn attachment was to ego. When I thought I cultivated out of it, it suddenly manifested at a deeper level. 

The first project I participated in was to promote Shen Yun and sell tickets in shopping malls. The first flier I gave out was refused. The person actually declined it politely, but I felt so humiliated that I almost cried. I didn’t feel that I was able to do it and wanted to resign from the project. But Master requires us to do the three things well. I had benefited tremendously from Dafa. I had to set aside my attachments to “respect” and “self-esteem.” This was the first time I tried to face an attachment and eliminate it. 

I recited Master’s Fa repeatedly and kept negating my ego in my heart. Master said,

“...when something looks impossible or hard to do, give it a try and see if it’s possible to do after all. If you can truly do that, then you will find that there is “light at the end of the tunnel.” (“Teaching the Fa and Answering Questions in Jinan,” Zhuan Falun Fajie - The Law of Zhuan Falun Explained)

I persevered in promoting Shen Yun and did it for 12 years. I started by timidly holding out a flier. Now I can effortlessly talk to people about traditional Chinese culture and let them know the value of Shen Yun. I started as someone who wept if people refused to accept my flier. Now I can confidently tell them about Shen Yun. 

I still remember the first day I sold tickets. A couple walked towards me while I stood in front of the booth in the shopping mall. I handed them a flier and said, “Shen Yun is returning to New York.” The wife shook her head and walked past me. Her husband stopped and watched the Shen Yun demo on TV. I quickly went to him and said, “Do not miss Shen Yun. It brings the 5000 years of China’s divine culture to life.” The husband said he had seen the Shen Yun ad on television and thought it was beautiful.

I invited them to watch the promo while I explained more about Shen Yun. The wife had trouble understanding English, so her husband translated for her. I played the audience feedback in Spanish. She was very moved and suddenly became interested. 

I showed them the seating chart. The husband wanted to see the show and told me which day they would be available. I helped select seats for them. The wife pulled her husband’s shirt and said something in Spanish. I asked what was wrong. He said that his wife felt it was a bit expensive. I said, “You’ll understand that it’s worthwhile when you watch the show. The cheapest ticket is only $80.”

I selected two seats near the middle and told them these seats might be gone quickly. The wife said several sentences to her husband who said in regret, “We won’t buy today. We don’t have the money. We will see if we can buy next time.” They were about to leave. I knew they were predestined people. Once they missed this opportunity, I didn’t know when they would have another chance.

I said, “If you don’t have money today, I will buy the tickets for you with my credit card. I will be at the theater. You can pay me back the day you come to see the show.” When the husband translated my words to his wife, she was obviously touched and nodded to her husband. I secured the tickets for them. When I was about to take out my credit card, he pulled out his credit card and said, “I can pay myself.” 

I met the couple in the theater during the intermission. They looked very happy and the husband kept saying, “Thank you!” and, “The performances are beautiful.” His wife gave me a big hug. I knew it was their joy for being saved. Their knowing sides thanked me for my persistence that day. 

Shen Yun is now well known and it is much easier for us to promote it. Then, new challenges came up. 

When the CCP virus pandemic spread across the U.S at the beginning of 2020, several Shen Yun shows were canceled. Shopping malls were shut down. I began thinking about joining other projects. Because of the lockdown and the restrictions, making phone calls on the platform to Chinese people looked like a good project for me to get involved in. But in my heart I was reluctant to join. I tried to participate many years ago and found it much harder than promoting Shen Yun. I gave up. While promoting Shen Yun, I interacted with people from mainstream society. Many like traditional Chinese culture. Most Western people are polite even when they refuse you. But calling people in China is a different story. Many Chinese people are brainwashed by the CCP and are rude and even cursed me. 

The thought chilled me. I decided not to get involved. I would wait until Shen Yun came back. But as a Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period, how could I avoid doing things to save sentient beings? The old forces stared at me and tribulations came one after another. 

One day I had a fever and started to cough. I coughed so hard that my chest and back were in pain. Sometimes it felt like my lungs were stabbed by many needles. I realized that these were the symptoms of the CCP virus I read about. My non-practitioner family members urged me to have a check-up, but I insisted that it was an illusion. 

One night I could hardly breathe and woke up. I sat up but didn’t dare lay down. The thought that I would not wake up once I lay down kept coming to mind. I thought about how people recovered from the CCP virus by reciting the nine words: “Falun Dafa is good” and “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.” After saying the words, I felt I could breathe. I slept well for the rest of the night. Throughout the following days, I studied the Fa, practiced the exercises, and sent forth righteous thoughts as well as reciting the nine words to dispel any negative thoughts. 

I knew that the root problem was not solved. I knew my fundamental issue was that I couldn’t let go of myself. I thought I had almost let it go after I had been involved in Shen Yun’s promotion. But when big tribulations came, this attachment was exposed again. I still hadn’t eliminated it. I decided it was time to get rid of it, but I didn’t know where to start. It seemed there was an insurmountable gap between my resolution and action. 

Master didn’t give up on me. One practitioner repeatedly called me. When I learned that she made phone calls to Chinese people on the platform, I realized that Master made the arrangement for me. I told her my thoughts on making calls on the platform. She encouraged me and sent me messages asking me to log onto the platform to listen while she made phone calls. 

After I listened to her I felt it was not as hard as I thought it was. But I still didn’t want to talk over the phone. The practitioner urged me to buy a phone card and make the first call. I finally crossed the gap in my heart. I formally joined the platform and began making calls to people in the legal department in China. I realized that the issue was the attachment to myself that I couldn’t let go of. When practitioners have righteous thoughts difficulties become nothing. 

I made phone calls almost every day. I went from being nervous to calming down—from reading the transcription to talking freely. Everything went smoothly. But one day my deeply hidden fear surfaced when someone cursed at me. 

I only said a few sentences when the other party started to curse at me. I felt blood rushing to my head and my head began humming. He cursed for a while and then hung up. I didn’t call him back. Over the next few days, I phoned several people who cursed at me. At first, I listened patiently but sometimes couldn’t bear it and said angrily, “Did your parents teach you to be so rude?” The other person immediately hung up and didn’t answer the phone again. 

This situation went on for a while. I calmed down and asked myself why I couldn’t forbear and why I couldn’t overcome it. The answer was simple. I grew up being praised. When I was cursed at or felt wronged, my ego couldn’t take it. The attachment was so stubborn but I made up my mind to cultivate out of it. 

I repeatedly recited Master’s Fa,

“Did you know that in order to save you the Buddha once begged for food among everyday people? Today, I once again make the door wide open, and teach this Dafa[1] to save you. I have never felt bitter for the numerous hardships I have suffered. Then what do you have that still can’t be abandoned?” (“True Cultivation,” Essentials for Further Advancement)

When people spoke rudely or cursed at me over the phone, I sent out the thought to eliminate “my ego.” Gradually I got angry less frequently. 

One day I made phone calls to young policemen most of who were born after the 1990s. I dialed the first number and said, “I’d like to tell you one important thing. I hope you will listen. Please make sure that you don’t participate in persecuting Falun Dafa practitioners. Practitioners believe in Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and they are good people. It is unconstitutional to persecute them. The former CCP head Jiang Zemin, is an international felon.” He started to curse at me and hung up. I didn’t get angry but was afraid to phone the other seven police officers on my list. I didn’t want to get the same reaction.

I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate my ego. I finally overcame my fear and dialed the numbers. All seven police officers answered the phone. This was the first time that I achieved a 100% answering rate. I talked and they talked back. I told them the facts about Falun Dafa, that the Tiananmen Self-Immolation incident was a hoax, about the international lawsuit against Jiang Zemin, how the CCP murdered millions of Chinese, the disasters caused by the CCP, etc. I said I hoped that they would be kind to practitioners. Some of them thanked me. Others promised that they would be careful when they carried out their duties. 

When I called a detention station, one person cursed me. My heart was not moved this time. I said to him calmly, “It doesn’t matter if you curse at me. I want to tell you something important.” He stopped cursing and listened quietly until I finished. Finally I understood what Master said,

“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)?” Essentials for Further Advancement)

At the same time I looked within to figure out why so many people cursed me. There might be a problem with my tone of voice. Fellow practitioners suggested I record myself speaking. When I listened, I noticed slight anger in the way I talked. After reading so many cases of fellow practitioners being persecuted, I developed hatred towards the persecutors due to my sentimentality to fellow practitioners. 

I repeatedly read Master’s article, “The Ultimate Goal of Clarifying the Truth.” I adjusted my mindset and tone of voice. Gradually, fewer people cursed at me. I remained calm each time. During the process, I got rid of one layer of my ego. One day, I realized that my symptoms of sickness were gone. My lungs no longer hurt and I nearly stopped coughing. It was truly as Master said, “Remove your human thoughts and evil will naturally die out.” (“Don’t Be Sad,” Hong Yin II)

Rectifying My Starting Point 

I was fortunate enough to join the writing team at the end of last year. I thought writing would not be a problem for me. But when I received the edited and revised version of my first article, the practitioner who trained me edited a lot. I didn’t provide enough key information and some paragraphs were repeated. Some sentences were not expressed correctly. I even made grammatical errors. Though the practitioner said that it was a good article overall, I felt embarrassed and my heart sank. 

I always thought writing projects differed from other truth-clarification projects in that I didn’t need to interact with people. But my attachments to saving face and competitiveness were stirred up. I thought about giving up. 

Master said,

“When it looks impossible and is said to be impossible, give it a try and see if it is possible.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)

I have been cultivating for over a decade, how could I think about giving up when I encountered my first tribulation? This exposed how immature my cultivation was. When I dug deeper, I thought I had good writing skills so the practitioner recommended I join this program. But I was not that good. I felt that the practitioner who recommended me and I both lost face. My first impulse was to give up because I didn’t want to keep losing face. This was a strong attachment to validating myself. My starting point was wrong. 

After I realized this, I decided to persevere. This righteous thought encouraged me to do some research and to seriously write articles with my heart. The training the practitioner gave me was a lot of feedback and repeatedly revised my writing. He paid attention to small details. I learned a lot from him about writing techniques and work ethics. As I put my heart into my writing, I felt increasingly that Master was strengthening me. As my writing skills improved, my fear of losing face and the attachment to validating myself disappeared. I had a deeper understanding of the principle of  “... cultivation depends on one’s own efforts, while transformation of gong is done by one’s master.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)

As my writing skills improved, I started to edit and amend other practitioners’ articles. I wrote one article per week and revised and amended another article by a veteran practitioner. In a meeting, the elderly practitioner said that she had spare time and offered to write one more article. I declined and said that I didn’t have time and could only edit one article for her. After the meeting, she said that she would do what I had arranged and would cooperate with me. She felt that we young practitioners had to work, look after our families and do Dafa work so she wanted to share more work. 

Hearing this, I felt that I must have done something wrong. I looked within. The practitioner made the offer with good intent. Why did I refuse her? I found my hidden attachment. I thought the virtue I accumulated was different when I wrote the article myself or I edited an article for other practitioners. When I wrote one article, I was the main character and accumulated bigger virtue. The starting point was to validate me and I was attached to accumulating more virtue. 

I decided to ask the practitioner to write two articles and I would revise both of them. This solved the problem of my not having enough time. When I shared my thought with the practitioner, she was very happy. Now we cooperate well and form one body. We produce two high-quality articles each week. 

I enlightened that practitioners must listen to Master and consider things from the perspective of a practitioner and let go of ourselves. We must set our starting point right and cooperate well with other practitioners. This way we can achieve better results and we can validate the Fa better. 

Closing Remarks

I obtained the Fa and cultivate outside China. The environment here is relaxed. I haven’t endured the evil and persecution the practitioners in China face. My issue is letting go of my attachments and how to deal with the problems when I clarify the truth to people. Compared with other practitioners, what I have experienced in cultivation is nothing. I know that the cultivation process is important: am I willing to face my attachments? Do I have the courage to admit my shortcomings? Do I pay attention to trivial things? Do I have the determination to let go of my attachments? Can I put Master’s teachings into action? 

I know that all sorts of attachments will be exposed during the course of my cultivation. This stubborn “ego” might show up again in other forms, but I will not fear it or cover it with excuses. I have Dafa guiding me and I am Master’s disciple. 

I am lucky to obtain the Fa in this lifetime and become Master’s disciple. No words can adequately express my gratitude to Master!

Thank you, Master! Thank you all!

(2021 International Online Fa Conference)