(Minghui.org) Greetings, revered Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I’d like to report how I returned to Dafa cultivation in the past three years, after I had earlier yielded under pressure from the Chinese Communist Party’s (CCP).
There was a mass arrest of Falun Dafa practitioners in my region in 2018. Back then, I hadn’t practiced Dafa for long and still had many attachments. Yet many local practitioners praised me for doing well in cultivation and my human notions got the best of me. My loopholes were exploited by the old forces. I was also arrested in the police sweep. After a few months of intense torture, brainwashing, and intimidation in detention, I gave in and was forced to sign a statement to renounce Dafa. I knew I had done something that Dafa disciples should never have done.
When I was released six months later, I felt numb all over my body. I was often confused, and had the urge to vomit whenever I smelled cooking. My mother forced me to take a medical exam. The doctor said that my gallbladder was full of polyps and needed a surgery. I said no, partly because I still had righteous thoughts – practitioners exhibit disease symptoms due to deeper reasons and do not need to seek medical treatment – and partly because I had kind of given up on myself.
Returning to Cultivation
I used to be very energetic. After practicing Falun Dafa, I was even faster in walking and thinking and surprised many male practitioners. But after being released, I walked slower than an eighty-year-old.
I didn’t think about picking up cultivation again, feeling that I was not worthy of being a cultivator. I had trouble falling asleep but I didn’t want to get up either.
I woke up after 4 a.m. one day. I saw what I thought was the shadow cast by a fan rotating on the wall. I was surprised – whose fan was it? When I closed my eyes, a golden light shined in front of my eyes and the sound of a pin wheel whirred in my ear. I opened my eyes and saw many Falun, yellow, white, and transparent, rotating on the wall.
“Master is taking care of me! Master still recognizes me as his disciple!”
I got off the bed right away and started doing the exercises. From that day on, I resumed morning exercise and Fa study.
Before I was released, the detention center guards asked me whether I would publish a statement on Minghui to nullify the statement I made about stopping cultivation, like many other practitioners have done. The guards threatened that they were closely monitoring Minghui every day and that they would know immediately if I published one.
Fearing retaliation, I had not done so for over four months after I was released.
I ran into a practitioners at the local market one day. She said to me, “You must publish that statement; otherwise the evil will still persecute you.”
After returning home, my heart was as heavy as a rock. I wanted to submit the statement to Minghui, but was also afraid of doing so. To me, this was like choosing between life and death. It dragged on for several days.
One day, I was at home by myself and I felt extremely sad. I felt I had lost hope to live on. But I also had a firm thought, “Even if I will die today, I must publish the solemn statement on the Minghui website.”
It took almost all of my energy to finish that statement and send it to Minghui. Then all of sudden, I felt peace in my mind – that rock was gone.
Shortly after, I met another elderly practitioner who lived far away from my home. While most local practitioners avoided talking to me, fearing that I was being monitored by the police, that practitioner was very warm to me. She said that we are fellow practitioners and should help each other. She encouraged me and invited me to her home for Fa study once a week. We also set up a fixed time to send forth the righteous thoughts for two hours every day.
A month later, my cultivation state returned to normal. I knew Master had helped me and pulled me out from hell again.
Making up for the Loss
I wrote my repentance in my solemn statement. When the Minghui editors published it, they added a sentence stating that “I’ll make up the loss for Dafa.” When I saw it, I was shocked, “How should I do that?”
I met an elderly practitioner one day. She was also arrested in 2018 and later sentenced to prison with probation. While being held in detention, she was forced to give up cultivation.
Upon returning home, she was not in a good situation: She was often confused and muddle-headed. She frequently fell asleep when studying the Fa, doing exercises, or sending forth righteous thoughts. She was somehow implicated by me – the police had followed me for a while and found that I had frequent contact with her.
I felt sorry for her. Then the words “making up” appeared in my head. Yes, I should help her, as I felt some responsibility in causing the persecution of her. The first thing was to create a normal cultivation environment for her. We decided to form a Fa study group with the two of us.
Shortly after, the coronavirus pandemic broke out around the 2020 Chinese New Year. My workplace was shut down for ten months, so I didn’t have to work during that period of time. Fortunately the lockdowns in the elderly practitioner’s apartment complex and mine weren’t very strict and we never had any problem visiting each other. We studied the Fa together almost every day or prepared truth clarification materials for distribution. In fact, we distributed over 10,000 copies of the materials during those ten months.
It was a big test to me when we were studying the Fa together. Her main consciousness was often unclear and her logic was confusing. She was frequently sleepy when reading the Fa, so it took several hours for us to finish reading one lecture. But when it came to an everyday person’s topic, she was awake and had a lot to say.
When distributing the materials, she walked slowly – if I walked ahead of her, she would throw a tantrum or even yell at me. She didn’t like it when I spent time talking to people, but wanted to distribute the materials only. “You don’t need to talk to people. They won't listen.”
She often calculated how to walk less and it made me feel like distributing the materials was a burden for her. She would easily give up if there was any difficulty. She also insisted that her statement about renouncing Dafa was different from others, as she affirmed to Master in her heart while signing the statement that what she practiced was a righteous way. She refused to acknowledge the fact that she was “transformed.”
I worried about her a lot. As my own cultivation state wasn’t good either, I felt I wasn’t able to help her and thought of stopping doing truth-clarification together with her.
I spent more time studying and memorizing the Fa. When I calmed my mind to read Zhuan Falun and Essentials for Further Advancement, I was shocked. I saw many attachments that had led me astray on the cultivation path: big ego, arrogance, selfishness, fame seeking, vanity and pursuit for comfort, etc.
“The Fa can break all attachments, the Fa can destroy all evil, the Fa can shatter all lies, and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts.” (“Drive Out Interference,” Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I knew that only Dafa and Master can lift me out of the dark abyss. I kept studying the Fa, reciting the Fa, comparing myself against the Fa, and looking within to find my gaps. Gradually I came out of the helpless state. I became more energetic and had more stamina.
I also realized that elderly practitioner’s situation was a xinxing test for me. I should face it, and not run away. I asked myself, “Did I have the determination to make up for the loss to Dafa?” Her issues, since I saw them, could mean that I also had similar problems. I should use this opportunity to cultivate myself well.
I had an open discussion with her. When we ran into conflicts again, I would look within immediately and then share with her. I also read practitioners' sharing articles on Minghui and downloaded the podcasts so that I could listen when doing household chores or driving. Fellow practitioners’ sharing let me see my gaps. I felt my mind was becoming broader in the process.
I shared the articles with the elderly practitioner. She was also moved by other practitioners’ righteous actions. Over time, she changed and started looking within. She said she realized that she didn’t truly cultivate herself for so many years. She was afraid of suffering hardship and always ran away from difficulties, which caused so much tribulation for her. She felt truly regretful and often said to me, “Cultivation is really serious!”
She started hand-copying the Fa so that she wouldn’t so easily fall asleep. She also extended the fifth exercise from one hour to two hours. Whenever she felt her cultivation state was lacking, she would send righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference. She became much more alert when studying the Fa. I felt this was the best I had seen her since I got to know her ten years ago.
I also saw the shining points of her: she had lived a tough life. She had a bumpy marriage; her financial situation was very tight; after her son divorced, her daughter-in-law took custody of their son and left the family with a lot of debt. With a low education level, sometimes it was difficult for the practitioner to even understand the superficial meaning of the Fa.
In the past two decades of cultivation, there were several times where she made serious mistakes in cultivation. But no matter what the situation, she never thought of giving up cultivation. No matter how hard life got, she was firm in cultivation and believed that Master was taking care of her.
Helping her also helped myself to improve quickly in my own xinxing. When I was released from the detention center, a practitioner criticized me badly in front of others. Later his wife had an emergency and was hospitalized. He asked me for help. I adjusted my mind and sent forth righteous thoughts for her for an extensive period every day, until she came out of the critical situation. I kept giving up my resentment and complaint during this process. I realized the wonderfulness of selflessness and altruism, a standard that Dafa disciples must reach.
The elderly practitioner and I cherished this cultivation environment.
Due to a change in the work environment, I was unable to go out in the afternoon to clarify the facts to people like before. Distributing informational materials became a better option for me.
I shared this idea with that elderly practitioner who studied the Fa with me after I was released. She offered to make the materials for me immediately. As she was taking care of her two granddaughters at home, it’s not so easy for her to go out. She wanted to make some materials at home, but couldn’t find practitioners to distribute it.
I bought a printer and ink and set it up at her home. She had printing paper already. We started printing.
We downloaded materials about the pandemic from the Minghui website for her to print. Her small room was full of printouts and she had to move things around to make room to sleep. But she enjoyed doing this work a lot.
We distributed over 10,000 pieces of materials over the fall and winter. We went to every district in the city. Sometimes we rode buses to places further out. When waiting for the bus, it was nearly -20°F in the evening and we were freezing cold, but we were very happy.
She moved to her home village in April of this year. She asked me to take the printers home and continue the work. I had some worries about this. The police monitored me closely, my husband was also under heavy pressure, and I had only limited time at home, as I had to go to work every day.
However, I remembered Master’s teaching,
“When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
I knew that I shouldn’t be trapped with the mentality of bearing the persecution passively. As long as our action is based on the Fa, we can make things happen. I took her three printers home and even bought a new one. I put all of them in a spare room and started printing the materials. When the practitioner occasionally came back to town, we went out to distribute them together as before.
I also adjusted the printers to print high quality documents. Though they printed slower, the words were much sharper and the color more vivid. When any printer had problems, I brought it to a regular store to fix, so as not to bother the technical support practitioner and also reducing the safety risk.
The police conducted a few large scale arrests in 2019 and confiscated the printers and supplies from several practitioners’ homes. As some lost access to materials for distribution, I took over the work and started to print materials for them. I printed Master’s new scriptures, Minghui Weekly, and other materials. My schedule at home was fully packed. Though I was busy all the time, after getting rid of my impatience, everything ran smoothly and in an orderly fashion.
We would not take additional printing requests if we felt that exceeded our work capacity. This ensured that we wouldn’t be buried under work with no time left to study the Fa.
Fixing the Wrongdoing
An officer in my local police station called me one day in 2020, asking me to go to the station to sign a guarantee statement to renounce Dafa. He said it’s part of the “Zero-out” campaign and they would remove my name from their list if I signed it. I said no.
The police threatened me that I didn’t get sentenced last time because I was transformed. I would be in trouble if I didn’t collaborate with them this time.
Putting down the phone, I thought calmly on how to handle it as a cultivator.
“Clarifying the truth is the master key.” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Atlanta Fa Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. IV)
“Should you have fear,it will seize upon youIf thoughts are righteous,evil will collapseThe cultivator’s mindis loaded with FaSend righteous thoughts,and rotten demons explodeGods walk the earth,validating the Fa” (“What’s to Fear?” Hong Yin Volume II)
I saw the light. This was an opportunity for me to fix my previous wrongdoing.
After sending righteous thoughts for an hour, I called the police officer. I first apologized for not being polite as I was busy at work. He was also polite, saying he just wanted to complete the work given to him.
“I cannot sign,” I explained to him, “Maybe you don’t think it’s a big deal but for a practitioner it is worse than dying. I was forced to sign the statement in the brainwashing center, but they still didn’t leave me alone.” I explained to him what Falun Gong is, the CCP’s persecution of it, how millions of families fell apart in the persecution, and the destructive consequences of the CCP’s persecution of the universal values of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance.
I talked for about half an hour. He kept listening. In the end, he said, “Practicing one’s belief is a personal choice and I won’t interfere. I received this order from management. Now I know what to do.”
He has never bothered me since then.
This incident passed. I failed the first test but passed the makeup test. There is nothing to show off or be complacent about.
That’s my cultivation experience over the past three years. It was a process of rebirth to me. Master’s great compassion and the profound teachings of Falun Dafa melted away my arrogance, frivolity, selfishness, and narrow-mindedness. With Master’s guidance, I was able to give up my attachments and assimilate myself into the Fa, to be a true Falun Dafa practitioner.
(18th China Fahui on Minghui.org)
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