My Experience and Understanding of Deeply Looking Inside During Tribulations
(Minghui.org) I once rode a motorcycle to visit a practitioner. On the way home I felt that I could not control the direction of the bike and it kept veering towards one side. I thought it was a problem with the bike. At home, my husband checked it out and found nothing wrong. Actually it was a problem that stemmed from my mind, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
The next morning I was nauseous and dizzy. My whole body had no strength, and I could not control my right arm and right leg. I had a very hard time walking, which was surprising to me. Sometimes I saw other practitioners experiencing symptoms of sickness karma, but I never thought it’d happen to me. Although I was not very diligent in cultivation, I did the three things regularly, studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts, and going out to clarify the truth. I never complained when clarifying the truth in severe weather. On the surface level, I did well. So, why did I run into such a tribulation?
It came out of nowhere, but from the Fa I knew that it was an illusion and I should handle it correctly. Although I could not move my arm and leg; I could not even hold a book or sit up, I still tried my best to do the exercises and study the Fa. I read all of Master Li’s (the founder) teachings on sickness karma again.
“...the old forces are preying upon Dafa disciples’ shortcomings, and that’s another aspect. And another cause is failing to find one’s own attachments.” (“2018 Fa Teaching Given in Washington D.C.,” Team Yellow Translation)
I treated the three things as all I needed to do in cultivation, and I only paid attention to things on the surface level. It was rare for me to calm down and look inside myself. I realized that I needed to make this a priority, and I found a lot when I did.
I regularly join a few group Fa-study sessions. Every week, fellow practitioners and I share our experiences and understandings. The environment is very harmonious. It is impossible to find such a good cultivation environment in today’s society. However, I have gradually developed attachments to the environment. I like to hang out with a lot of people; I like to show off to practitioners. I always looked forward to the next group Fa-study. Such attachments made me not be able to study the Fa calmly at home. Master Li asked us to study the Fa with a group so that we can improve ourselves quickly, but I treated the environment, which was created by fellow practitioners under tremendous stress, as a place for me to dismiss my feelings of loneliness and to satisfy my desire of hanging out with crowds. Isn’t it a waste of the environment arranged by Master?
I could not concentrate when I studied the Fa at home and always felt sleepy as soon as I picked up the book. Such severe interference lasted for a long time, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. The reason was that my cultivation state was not up to par. I failed to understand the Fa on the basis of the Fa and used human notions. So, I was not able to see the manifestation and the boundless and profound contents of the Fa. I could not achieve a deep understanding of the Fa, and my Fa-study only allowed me to understand things on a perceptual level.
In regard to clarifying the truth and saving people, over the last 20 years since the persecution started, I had been persistent. But sometimes I was diligent and sometimes not. Gradually, I slacked off. As long as I talked to a few people a day, I felt it was enough. Sometimes I could not prioritize the truth-clarification and only did it on my way to go grocery shopping. Isn’t it a problem?
I asked myself why I should clarify the truth and save people. This is the mission that Master has given to Dafa disciples during the Fa-rectification period.
“What I am ultimately trying to convey to you is that it was all for this affair that you came here! So you have no choice [but to do all of this well]; there is really no other way! That’s the case for Dafa disciples.” (“2018 Fa Teaching Given in Washington D.C.,” Team Yellow Translation)
I looked inward even deeper and found that I failed to completely eliminate my fundamental attachment. I felt anxious if I didn’t go out to clarify the truth several days in a row. Why? Was it because I was worried about those who haven’t been saved? Of course that was partially the reason—mercy and cherishing life. But there was another factor, which was a kind of fear. I was afraid of being left out if I didn’t do well and that I could not go back to my true home with Master, betray the title of “Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple” and fail the task assigned by Master.
When that thought materialized, I realized that what I really cared about was going home with Master. This was a deeply hidden attachment that was hard to detect. It is the fundamental attachment that Master has repeatedly mentioned. If I don’t get rid of it, my cultivation would just be based on a selfish purpose, no matter how well I do at the surface level or how lofty my words are.
In the past, while I was attending a Fa-study and sharing, I thought about this attachment and tried to eliminate it. But I didn’t know that it was still deeply hidden in the bottom of my heart. Seeking consummation and blessings are both selfish. With this attachment, I unconsciously tied truth-clarification to consummation, just like an everyday person doing business for profit. On the surface, it looks like I was helping Master to rectify the Fa, but I was just trying to obtain what I desired. Isn’t this equivalent to trying to obtain profit from Dafa? How is this different than the old forces’ behavior?
Master told us: “Actually, you don’t yet know that this selfishness reaches all the way up to very high levels.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Switzerland”)
I know that my attachment comes from human notions and it exists at each level. I need to eliminate it at each and every level; it is not my true self. I need to recognize it and get rid of it.
“No matter what you do for Dafa and no matter what it is you’re doing, you are placing yourselves in Dafa instead of thinking about "I want to do something for Dafa" or "I want to improve myself in this way or that way" as you did before. No matter what you do, you aren’t thinking that you’re doing something for Dafa, about how you should do things for Dafa, or "how can I do things well for this Fa." Instead, you are placing yourselves in Dafa. Like a particle of Dafa, [you feel that] no matter what it is, you should just do it.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Great Lakes Fa Conference in North America,” Guiding the Voyage)
At that moment, I saw where I should be and what kind of mindset I should have when clarifying the truth and saving people. I must completely change my mindset. It is not that I do something for Dafa. I am a particle in Dafa. I would do whatever Dafa needs me to do. I should let go of my notion to self. This is the realm I should reach.
The second day, while doing the exercises I recalled a dream I had a few days ago. I sat in the passenger seat of a car. There was no driver or steering wheel. The car was sliding down along a hill at a high speed and stopped in a field. I followed people to a market, but we were all blocked by a tall wall. People tried to climb over the tall wall and so did I; it was hard. When I was almost at the top, I could not hold myself up anymore. I saw people walking at the top of the wall, so I asked for help. But nobody paid attention to me. I could not hold on to the wall and started to slide down. It was dangerous. All of a sudden I remembered that I have Master and that I should ask Master for help. I shouted, “Master, Master.” Then, my feet found a supporting point, and my hands gained energy. I climbed up and I was immediately at the top.
Thinking of this dream, I cried. All of sudden, I realized Master’s arrangement. Benevolent Master saw that I had loopholes in cultivation and lost my direction. He also saw the sickness karma that was about to occur in my body, so he gave me a hint through the dream and encouraged me—I will be able to overcome the wall and this tribulation.
On the fourth night, during sending forth righteous thoughts, I added a thought, “I am Master Li Hongzhi’s disciple. I only follow Master’s arrangements. I reject and won’t acknowledge any other arrangements. Please help me, Master.” At that moment, I felt Falun law wheels rotating and going up and down fast and strongly in my brain. Half an hour later, I felt that an object the size of an egg was removed from my brain by Master. Immediately, the dizziness and nausea stopped. My arm and leg regained their strength. It was just amazing. I cannot express my appreciation to Master with words. Master saw that I looked inward and had a strong will and the courage to change myself, so He helped me to eliminate that thing.
Master does not want anything from us. He only wants us to improve our levels. As a disciple in the Fa-rectification period, I will never betray Master’s hope in me. I will put down myself and do the three things with a selfless mind. I will follow the path arranged by Master. No matter what kinds of difficulties and tribulations are on this path, nothing can stop me on the path of cultivation in the Fa-rectification period.