Finding the Root of My Resentment – My Attachment of Pursuit
(Minghui.org) During the 21 years of practicing Falun Dafa, whenever I find myself being resentful, or could not meet the standard of the Fa, I try to let it go.
Master said, “...keep a compassionate heart, and a peaceful state of mind...” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
I would pay attention to eliminate my feeling of resentment. I did notice my changes -- my voice would tone down, and gradually I could talk calmly. The resentment seems to fade away.
To my surprise, recently when a situation triggered my resentment, the resentful feeling manifested in another way -- on the surface, I got along with my husband very well, however, I hated him. The thought I used to have before I began to cultivate appeared in my mind again: “I would like to divorce him after our child grows up.” Now, our child has grown up and left home. It is time to separate from him.
After we got married, when we had a fight the first time, I had the divorce thought – I can’t live with him. When I clarified the truth to people, I often told them that if I were not a practitioner, we would have been divorced long ago. Especially I tried to make my child understand that it is Dafa that gives him a complete family. My husband also acknowledged this. During all these years of the persecution by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), he was able to proactively resist the persecution of me and protected Dafa related materials many times. He has also benefitted. He was in better health, and achieved a good financial state.
As I cultivated based on the Fa, I became more detached when facing a conflict with my husband. It seemed that I was able to “tolerate calmly.” It seemed that resentment no longer existed. However, when I visited a couple who were both practitioners that experienced life and death together. When I witnessed how the husband took care of the wife, when I noticed his concern for his wife, I praised him as a role model. Yet, it awakened the deeply hidden resentment. When I had another conflict with my husband, I could not help but say “Let’s divorce...I don’t want anything, please take the family property as compensation for all you did the past years.”
My husband told me: “You have to cultivate in this family. You can’t cultivate by yourself. Think about whether you have truly complied with Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance.” He also said: “I would like to follow you wherever you go. I want us as a family, how can we divorce?” I was speechless. I knew that Master tried to enlighten me through him. He did not beg me or comfort me. It was not easy for him to plead like this. However, I still had the thought: “He said this because he knew I was serious about wanting a divorce.”
Listening to the sincere words from my husband while looking for Master’s teaching in my mind, I found and traced where it came from. Master said, “...the issue of pursuit...” (Lecture Two, Zhuan Falun)
After I got married, I realized that my husband was not the kind of man I expected. He was supposed to be responsible, caring, and supportive. I have to take care of big and small things myself, including our child. He was not helpful.
Only once when our child had a parent meeting before the college entrance examination, did he participate, as I didn’t have time. That was the only time he did something like that. The concept that he is burdensome was deeply rooted in my mind. That made me feel that I had a hopeless marriage, but I had the traditional mindset to give our child a complete family.
Since practicing Dafa, I have totally changed. I became healthy physically and mentally. In the past 21 years, I didn’t xperience any illness. However, this resentment was hidden deeply in my yeart. It popped up from time to time, and resulted in conflicts between my husband and I. It led me to bring up the divorce agreement rather than just talking about it after more than 20 years of cultivation.
The evil also took the opportunity. When I met with fellow practitioners, I accidentally learned that the apartment they rented was not occupied. It seemed specially prepared for me. This strengthened my idea of leaving.
The true self and the fake self battled in my mind. The true self knew that this was an attachment and not aligned with the Fa. The fake self just wanted to leave. I even suggested to my husband: “Let’s try to separate for half a year. Of course, the true self prevailed over the fake self. I no longer insisted. A subconscious thought woke me up – it is the issue of pursuit – my wish to have my husband cherish me brought me trouble.
“When a person harbors resentment it’s because he has grown fond of hearing pleasant things and having things go well. And then when things don’t go that way, he resents it. You can’t be like that, if you think about it. You can’t go about cultivation that way, can you?” ( 2018 Fa Teaching Given in Washington, D.C. )
I confessed my mistake to Master in my heart, and asked Master to help me get rid of the attachment of pursuit. After a while, I calmed down. No other thought appeared in my mind. The resentment disappeared.
After Master helped me eliminate this attachment, I no longer expected my husband to give. I have no expectation, but hope that he would practice Dafa. In the following days, he seemed totally changed, and started to care about me. I guess that was gain without asking.
I wrote down this cultivation process I had on getting rid of the resentment in order to expose my mistake, and share with fellow practitioners. It is possible that behind the resentment, there are all kinds of human feelings that are not easily detected. It is necessary to dig deeper to truly eliminate the resentment.