Cultivating My Heart in Family Conflicts
(Minghui.org) Due to my attachments, conflicts have frequently arisen with my family and fellow practitioners. As I was not cultivating well, barriers formed between me and other practitioners. Such problems still exist today.
My husband is also a practitioner. Our son has been studying the Fa with us. Others admired us and thought how great it is to practice cultivation together as a family. But conflicts among the three of us were quite significant.
Over the past decade, quarrels have arisen every few days in my family, either between me and my husband or between my husband and our son. I was confused and wondered why so many families became harmonious and stopped quarreling after practicing Falun Dafa, while we are not that way at all. As Dafa practitioners, why did we have such huge conflicts?
In recent years, I gradually came to understand one point: if I do not truly cultivate myself, change myself fundamentally, or handle the relationship with my family well, these conflicts will not be resolved.
My husband is the youngest among his siblings at home, and so am I. As such, we developed a way of thinking without being aware of it, that is, not considering others but always using our own notions to discipline others.
During the first several years of our marriage, my husband and I quarreled countless times because of my mother. We even fought physically. My husband thought my mother disagreed with Dafa’s teachings; and in fact, my mother did have doubts about my husband. He was disgusted with her, he didn't want to be close to her, he was not willing to visit my parents even during holidays, nor did he allow me to visit my parents.
I cared about my parents. I always wanted to tell them the facts about Falun Dafa, but they went against my will and I would return home angrily. As a result, my husband objected to my visits even more strongly. My relationship with my parents became very tense.
I knew that I had strong sentimentality, yet I complained that my husband was not compassionate to my parents. I thought he was too judgmental.
There was another point of contention, our son. He was weak, timid, and needed much care, but his temper was not. He was always immersed in his own world and did not live in reality. His behavior was totally different from my husband's, and my husband just couldn't accept it.
My husband couldn't communicate well with our son, and believed that I had made our son behave in such a weird way. I took my son’s side. I complained to my husband that he was not understanding. Conflicts occurred among us every few days. We would have noisy quarrels, and then be filled with regret.
In fact, both my husband and I had fundamental problems that entangled us and made us complain to each other, but neither of us could solve the problem.
I complained at my husband for his fear while in detention. I complained that he was not cultivating well and had compromised with the evil. I was very troubled by his problem. When local practitioners pointed out his problem, I felt they were blaming me. My self-esteem was seriously damaged. I felt depressed and very disappointed.
To show them I had no fear and was able to do well, I made an effort to go out to tell people the facts about Falun Dafa and to do high-risk Dafa projects. My work made my husband more fearful. He thought it was very dangerous to do things with a mentality of competitiveness instead of with a pure heart. He would stop me from telling people the facts about Falun Dafa.
I was very upset when I saw other practitioners doing so well, while my husband stopped me from going out. I had been persecuted many times, which made me have more fear than ever. I was very worried, and complained at him much more than ever. I complained that he did not have strong righteous thoughts. I attributed my not being able to save people all to my husband.
My husband attributed his compromises to me. He thought that I had invited persecution because I did things with such intensity. We pointed our spears at each other and expected the other to cultivate well.
For a very long time, whenever I was about to do something related to saving people, my husband would raise his opposing views. Gradually I gave up arguing with him and accepted his views, even though I still believed we should save as many people as possible. I admired other practitioners, as they were doing so great. I felt constrained and depressed, and didn't know what to do.
My husband was also very depressed. He said he didn't see any sign that I would change for the better. I thought my husband was not as good as other practitioners.
Such thoughts constantly went through my mind and put a lot of pressure on me. When I told my husband these thoughts, he became more depressed and I looked down on him even more. Our bad relationship became a vicious cycle.
Master's following Fa lectures woke me up.
“What are you cultivating for? For your reputation? Out of resentment? For the attachments you harbor? For your loved ones? For the things you’re attached to? For the things you can’t let go of? Aren’t all of these exactly the things that you should be getting rid of?” (from Teaching at the 2015 West Coast Fa Conference)
When I read this paragraph of Master's Fa, I felt a loud pop in my head. At that moment, I became aware that I had to face my own problems. I was too attached to my husband's issues. I was cultivating for my reputation and competing with other practitioners.
Jealousy and the mentality to fight made me want to surpass the efforts of other practitioners. I was never truly happy for others who cultivated well.
Though I was aware of my own problems, I didn’t know if I could let go of these attachments. My way of thinking and competitiveness had become a habit and I was worried that I could not do better. I told myself constantly to be happy for others if they were doing well. I knew I must feel this way from the bottom of my heart instead of only superficially. I told myself these words again and again.
One day as I was cleaning the kitchen, I told myself to be happy for others. All of a sudden, my mind became empty and I had nothing in my mind. I no longer had any thought of competing with others, nor did I have any fear of not being able to get rid of the fighting mentality or jealousy. I just had nothing in my mind. At that moment, both my body and mind became light. It was very quiet around me. I just continued doing housework very naturally.
I know that Master had helped me remove bad substances from my dimensions after seeing my efforts and resolutions. Free of those bad things, I felt light all over.
Master helped me remove bad things that I had formed in this human world. As a result, my relationship with husband also began to change.
I identified many of my attachments: fighting, looking down upon my husband, sentimentality for my husband, pursuing reputation, caring about what others thought, lust, dependence, following others, pursuing higher levels, jealousy and much more. My most fundamental attachment is selfishness.
Though I had always hoped that my husband could have ample righteous thoughts, I did not want this for his sake, but so that my own reputation would improve. I did not consider his perspective or want him to improve for his sake. My attachment to husband was due to my own strong selfishness.
I identified many of my attachments through Fa study and took my husband's behavior a little more lightly. From the Fa’s perspective, I understood that people are different in their ability to endure suffering and it was not right to force people to do anything.
Every practitioner has his/her merits and a side that cultivates well. For instance, my husband did not have ample righteous thoughts when he faced evil persecution, but had less of a fighting mentality and behaved more rationally than me.
The old forces attempted to take advantage of our weakness to test each other and Master also has arrangements for us. Master turned the tricks of the old forces to use for our cultivation.
My husband and I shouldn't interfere with each other, but instead should learn from each other's better qualities and compensate for each other. If we could do this, we are walking on the path that Master arranged for us—we are not walking the path that the old forces arrange for us to test each other and create tribulations for each other.
After ten years of constant conflicts, the relationship between my husband and I became calm and smooth. We spent more time on Fa study instead of arguing as before. Thanks to much Fa study, I focused more on my own cultivation. I tried my best to be strict with my thoughts. I identified my bad thoughts and the mentality to fight and reject other practitioners.
Now I know that the many conflicts that happened in my family and with practitioners, and how I felt when others blamed me, were all related to my own problems.
Being this selfish in today’s society, without Dafa cultivation, is really painful and tiring. Due to my strong fighting mentality, I had no confidence in myself and thought that I would never cultivate well. Now I think differently.
Though I still have those attachments, I am more confident in myself. I believe that I can cultivate well because I enlightened to one point: if we use the Fa principles to guide us, we will make it.
Master is with me! Dafa is with me! Master and Dafa are purifying me. Master and Dafa are saving me.
I hope that more people will understand the truth and be saved by Dafa.