(Clearwisdom.net) Recently, my cultivation has not been going well, and I have not been able to do the three things well. I was always confused, and I was not able to keep up my xinxing. I subconsciously felt that I had a fundamental attachment that I was not able to enlighten yet, so it was interfering with me at every aspect. Today, after I read an article on Minghui (the Chinese version of Clearwisdom) about jealousy, I suddenly saw the light. It turned out that jealously was the fundamental attachment that I needed to get rid of! I'd like to write about my cultivation experience to share with fellow practitioners.
When I read the section on "Jealousy" in Zhuan Falun, I never paid any extra attention to it. I thought that I did not have a strong attachment to jealousy, rather just a small one, and it was not strong enough to cause any impediment. Moreover, I always thought of myself as the target of others' jealousy, so why would I be jealous of others? Now I realize that my jealousy was actually so strong that it had become the biggest and most fundamental attachment standing in the way of my cultivation and improvement.
Master has told us in Zhuan Falun:
"The issue of jealousy is very serious as it directly involves the matter of whether you can complete cultivation practice. If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile. There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit--absolutely not."
It manifested in me in my always looking down on others and my feeling that I was better than others. When my personal interests, profit, or feelings were hurt, I thought it was unfair. In the meantime, my competitiveness, willingness to show off, and zealotry were also dragged out by my jealousy, and I was not able to get rid of them for a long time. Some of these attachments were also secretly growing, causing my bad cultivation state, preventing me from improving, and interfering with my doing the "three things."
In school, I always thought that I was better than others and wanted to be the best. If the teacher did not praise me but praised others, I was unhappy and could not balance my feelings. I also thought that the other person was not as good as me, that the person was not as good at this or that. I felt uneasy when I was not rewarded at the end of the school year since I thought that I was so good. I thought my classmates were jealous of my abilities so that was why they didn't vote for me. Later, several classmates whom I considered inferior to me passed their qualifying examinations, but I actually failed the tests several times. When I recall that time, I knew that it was my jealousy that caused all the trouble. Master had given me hints many times, but I failed to enlighten, so my attachment was a big stumbling block in my practice and enhancement.
While I was participating in a media project to save sentient beings, my jealousy was secretly but intensely displayed. When the editor offered suggestions on my article, I had to revise it again and again, and I was very unhappy. I had always thought I had good writing abilities and good style. I thought that the editor was validating him/herself and only thought of his/her own ideas as good and had a negative opinion of me. I even thought the editor was prejudiced against me and intentionally made things harder for me and so on. I didn't actually look inward to discover this deeply hidden jealousy. The project was for saving sentient being, not for proving myself. How could I regard another's opinion of me as "unfair?" I really become the person that "can't take criticism from others" that Master warned us of in "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference." That is a cultivator that should really get rid of the attachment to jealousy.
The attachment was displayed even worse at home. Since I was considered such a capable person as I was growing up, I looked down on my husband. Whenever we disagreed on anything, I immediately ignored him and started to express my own opinion. Many times, he had angrily said, "You are really self-centered." I also had trouble in my relationship with my cousin. When she talked to her family negatively about me, I thought that she was jealous of me. I never thought about the fact that I needed to get rid of my jealousy. I would always try to prove that I was better than she, which was actually an indication that I was jealous of her.
When I dug out the roots, I discovered that my jealousy was frighteningly strong. Now I have a deeper understanding of Master's words, "If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile" (Zhuan Falun). To me, not only did the jealousy make my cultivated side fragile but it also enabled other attachments to become stronger and harder to get rid of. Thus, Master reminds us in the Fa that we have to get rid of this roadblock on our way to consummation. At the end of the end, we should expose it and thoroughly eradicate it.
December 31, 2008
Category: Improving Oneself
