(Clearwisdom.net) Many articles on Minghui Weekly [Chinese version of Clearwisdom Digest] talked about identifying our fundamental attachments. After reading the articles, I was greatly moved and started to look for my own fundamental attachments. Talking about attachments in his article "Toward Consummation" from Essentials for Further Advancement II, the only attachment Teacher talked about that I had was the attachment to healing my illnesses. Before I practiced Falun Dafa, I practiced several kinds of qigong to heal my illnesses but none of them worked. I heard practitioners talking about the great healing power of Falun Gong and hence I started the practice. Through Fa study and doing the exercises, I knew that I couldn't practice with the attachment of pursuit. As my understanding of the Fa got better and Teacher purified my body, I gradually let go of the attachment to wanting to heal my illnesses.
Then what was my fundamental attachment? I looked for it for a long time but did not see it. I thought to myself, "Forget about the attachment. Just practice!" Recently I read "Teaching the Fa in San Francisco, 2005." Some of Teacher's words shocked and awakened me. Teacher said,
"Some students never eliminated their fundamental attachments, and that is an issue of whether or not they are truly Dafa disciples at a fundamental level."
I realized it was critical to eliminate fundamental attachments, so I started to sort out my attachments. It was then that it suddenly occurred to me; my fundamental attachment was that I wanted to consummate.
To ensure consummation was my fundamental attachment and to dig out the root of this attachment, I looked back at my life experiences. I was born into a poor family. In order to stand out among others and live a happy life, my father taught me to study well in school so I could go to college, become a high-ranking official, and afford to drive a car. Although I was just a child, my father's words were imprinted on my mind and they motivated everything I did. Hence, I studied hard and did very well in school. Unfortunately, the Cultural Revolution began and my father passed away when I was still young, I assumed responsibility for feeding the family. I strived to finish middle school and went back home to get a job. I didn't go to college, nor did I become a high-ranking official. I was poor and lived in hardship.
Despite the misfortunes in my early life, I started to practice Falun Dafa in middle-age and this was the most splendid event in my life. Teacher's Fa made me understand the true meaning of life. The joy of obtaining the Fa transformed me into another person. I felt great every day and smiled all the time. I felt unbelievably lucky. The practice could heal illnesses and it came with Teacher's protection that nothing dangerous would happen to me. More importantly, I could reach consummation and leave the sea of bitterness. No amount of money could make me give it up. When facing people who are rich or are government officials, I thought to myself, "You are not better than me. When I reach consummation and go to paradise, it is much better than what you have now." Hence, before the persecution of Falun Gong started, my desire to consummate was my motivation to practice.
My attachment to consummation was exploited by the evil after the persecution started. Facing the "test" from the evil, I did not firmly believe in Teacher and Dafa. Though I went to the provincial government to appeal and did the exercises in a public square, my intention was not pure. Later, I was taken from my home by the CCP police and wrote a "Guarantee Letter." After that, Teacher published "Toward Consummation" and I enlightened that I should go to Beijing to validate the Fa. However, subconsciously, I did this to help me reach consummation. I got to Beijing and held up a banner on Tiananmen Square. The police grabbed me. At that moment, I thought I had reached consummation and was pleased with myself. I was taken back to the local detention center and imprisoned for over 30 days. My relatives wrote a Guarantee Letter and I signed it. I was discharged after paying a fine. Teacher then published "Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)" and asked us to let go of the attachment of reaching consummation. However, I did not totally let go of it.
In a later lecture, "Teaching the Fa at the Great Lakes Fa Conference in North America," Teacher said,
"When they couldn't endure the severe torture, they wrote repentance statements. But in their minds they were thinking: 'This is to fool them. I'll still practice after I get out. I'll still go out to validate the Fa and I'll still go to Tiananmen.' But this is unacceptable. It's because this kind of notion is something developed in the human world after humans have become degenerate. But Gods aren't like that. They don't have thoughts like these. Once they've decided on a certain path they'll definitely stick with it."
I was very disappointed after reading that. I thought that since I had written guarantee letters several times, I would never reach consummation. Feelings of severe regret brought me down for a while.
A few months later, Teacher published "A Suggestion" in Essentials for Further Advancement II. He said,
"The old forces think that a Dafa student who, out of attachments, during this period gives a written promise not to cultivate Dafa anymore has determined his own future. If it didn't truly come from his heart and was the result of coercion, and if he rejoins the Fa-rectification, then there will be greater tribulations, as tests, for him to pass. Even though Master does not recognize the old force's arrangements, the consequences are terrifying once you go over to the opposite side, and your tens-of-thousands-of-years wait will be ruined in an instant."
After reading the lecture, my heart became even more desperate because I misunderstood what Teacher was saying. I thought I was totally hopeless and there was no way I could reach consummation. I felt I had failed myself, that I did not have great endurance, that life was hard, and that I wouldn't even reach consummation. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and did not feel like studying the Fa at all. At times I did the exercises but that was only for healing and fitness. Later, with help from other practitioners and by studying the Fa, I pulled myself together. I felt Teacher's compassionate salvation and regained hope. I thought that I shouldn't have a big problem reaching consummation.
Because I hadn't thoroughly eradicated my attachment to consummation, a lot of ill and impure intentions emerged later on when I did the three things Teacher asked us to do.
When I studied the Fa, I was attached to the amount that I read and didn't study with a calm mind. On the surface, I thought I had to study and assimilate to the Fa, but in fact, it was to reach consummation. I didn't do the exercises every day because I thought Teacher had already pushed me to my attainment status anyway. As long as I could clarify the truth and save sentient beings, I would have everything. If I got busy, it was ok to exercise less. When I sent righteous thoughts, it was like a daily routine; the number of times I sent righteous thoughts depended on how I felt. Sometimes my intention to send righteous thoughts was not pure; it was to reduce the evil's persecution against me. Things that I did to clarify the truth were mixed with attachments to build mighty virtue and consummate to a high level. My heart would move with human notions. I was happy when people understood how wrong the persecution was, or withdrew from the Communist Party, and became angry when they did otherwise.
My attachment to consummation often made me think that I definitely would consummate to a very high level because I was a Dafa practitioner during Fa rectification. I often imagined how it would look when the Fa rectified the human world and I and other practitioners reached consummation.
From my attachment to consummation, my attachment of "getting work done" emerged. I treated doing the three things like an assignment and sometimes, I was even reluctant to do them. I wanted to build mighty virtue, make up for the wrongs I had done, upgrade my level after consummation, and save more sentient beings to my paradise. At times, I worried that I had made too many mistakes and wouldn't be able to reach the high level Teacher had arranged for me, and at times I slacked off, thinking that I could reach consummation anyway, no matter how much work I did or didn't do.
From my attachment to consummation, there emerged my attachment to the time of Fa rectification. I waited from spring to fall, from last year to this year, hoping the evil persecution would soon end.
From my attachment to consummation, my attachments of showing off and jealousy surfaced. Facing everyday people who were successful in their careers or were high level officials, I thought, "That's nothing compared to what I will achieve when I become a divine being."
There is nothing wrong with a practitioner wishing to reach consummation, but it shouldn't become an attachment. Especially when we are practitioners during the Fa-rectification period and we shoulder a mission that is more than just personal cultivation. Everything lies in doing the three things well. Then why couldn't I eliminate my fundamental attachment to consummation? I realized from reading the Fa that I am a life created in the old cosmos with the nature of selfishness. Everything I did became a chore I had to accomplish, and was motivated by my attachment to consummation. The three things I did should have been sacred. But because of my deeply hidden attachment, I walked down many stray paths. I must have made Teacher concerned and worried about me. He shouldered things he shouldn't have to shoulder. If it weren't for Teacher's compassionate protection, I wouldn't be where I am today. Then what was there to consummate? What was there to be attached to? What was there to be proud of? I feel bad now when I think about my past behavior.
Teacher's guidance helped me find my fundamental attachment. I must eliminate it! I should do my best to do the three things well and continually improve myself. I will not let down Teacher's compassionate salvation.
I hope my fellow practitioners, who have the same fundamental attachment as me, can take me as an example of how not to behave. Let's study Teacher's articles "Toward Consummation" and "Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)", and improve together.
