(Clearwisdom.net) When I first chose to go to China I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a fellow practitioner. He looked at me and said, "Let's do it. Let's go." We pondered the idea and laughed in wondering what the look on the Chinese peoples faces would be if they saw westerners shouting "Falun Dafa Hao"[Chinese pronunciation of "Falun Dafa is Good!"] in Tiananmen Square. We knew it would touch their hearts and would cause a real crack in the lies spread by the head of the evil. Aside from the fact that we could "clarify the truth," we didn't seem to share much understanding of the Fa based on what we were planning to do. We are practitioners so we did know the seriousness of what we were doing but I was not handling it in a very mature manner. Even when I got my visa I laughed and joked about how foolish they were to give me a visa because I have been publicly recognized as a Dafa practitioner in the Chinese media. Rather than being touched by the power of the Fa I was acting like a child. Yet with study of the Fa and the compassion of my fellow practitioners, my cultivation state began to improve.
Looking Inside to Eliminate Deviated Notions
Some practitioners that I spoke with were telling me "you can't do this, or that" or "you have to do this and that in this way and that way." At this point I became quite irritated and snapped at them, "Just because I am going to Beijing, don't think this is only my cultivation. It is your cultivation too because you know about it. That means you have to take this as your cultivation too otherwise you will cause damage to yourself and to what we are doing." Although I was right, I used that principle to defend myself. Despite my rather rude tone my fellow practitioners accepted my sharp comments with larger hearts than mine and did in fact take it as their cultivation.
Through constant study and experience sharing, I began to see many parts of my heart that I dare not face so I hid from them, calling them "interference." Through further study of the Fa and discussion with fellow practitioners, my deviated nature which had many attachments had less and less room to hide until it was as plain as day. I realized that I wanted to promote myself. I wanted to use this special period of time and a sacred mission to promote myself. As much as I didn't want to admit it, it was true.
My heart was calm and cleaner and I had a better understanding of my role in Fa rectification. In the past I always wanted to do something great for Dafa, something significant or something important. However that was based on my attachments to my own fame and personal interest. There was a pure heart for the Fa in me however my intentions and actions were being polluted by my deviated side. In the end I was always weighing or at least acknowledging what I could gain from what I was doing. But now this was gone and I could see the significance of all things we are doing regardless of how big or small they looked like in this dimension. I could see all the various things around me that I had been neglecting and that would be left undone if I kept pursuing fame. My heart no longer wanted to promote myself and I had a deeper understanding of my role and of the role of a Dafa disciple.
Remove Attachments Again
When I realized that this might turn out to be an international event, I began to re-evaluate the situation again. I was not sure if it was the best thing to do. So I didn't want to encourage others to go. Furthermore my original pure part of my heart to clarify the truth to Chinese people was still quite strong. There was no doubt in my mind that my trip was out of responsibility to the validation of the Fa. This time it wasn't for myself and I felt it. But I still wasn't sure if I should go.
Over the next few weeks I did my best to look into my heart seriously and try to figure out what to do, from the perspective of my cultivation within this mighty Fa rectification. "What would be the best?" I asked myself. For many days I began weighing the pros and cons of the various outcomes of my possible journey to China. Many reasons kept coming to my head about why I should not go. I started to think, "Maybe you are still attached to fame? The Canadian public will misunderstand; Chinese people will misunderstand; you will ...." But all these seemed very surface rationalizations based on hypothetical situations. I calmly kept searching my heart in the following days.
Then one evening at a group study I sat quietly looking in my heart while everyone was reading. The past couple of days I wasn't acting like myself and I suddenly saw why. I was afraid. I was afraid for my own personal safety. All those other surface reasons were all being used to hide the fact that I was afraid. At that moment my heart became light and happy and my eyes welled with tears. In my entire life I never thought I was afraid for my own life, yet the fear was just hiding and causing a lot of interference in my cultivation. Now I could see this deviation and there was no doubt in my mind that I would eliminate it.
That night I made up my mind to go. And regardless how afraid I may get, fear would absolutely not stop me. I knew that I should not go to face my fear but I also wouldn't let it stop me from validating Dafa. Although my mind was absolute and clear at that time, I had no idea how afraid I was and how hard it was going to be. But I was going and I was confident that I would rise to the occasion.
Walking onto Tiananmen
One fellow practitioner said that I didn't have faith in the Fa because I was preparing to be followed and planning how to lose my tail. I began to laugh at her like an arrogant human rather than look into my heart. How could I not have faith in the Fa? It just sounded so ridiculous to me. She told me not to think in a human way, worrying about being followed, and have faith in the Fa and just do what has to be done.
Before going to Tiananmen Square I spent the entire day to study the Fa and clean myself, the same way we do before sending forth righteous thoughts. Various evil thoughts and notions came to bother me, trying to cloud my mind and destabilize my heart. One of the most common things that would happen was that I would see myself in police custody, and in this imaginary situation I would handle the police so well that I would always end up as a hero. Then I realized the evil was using my attachment to fame to make me think I will be arrested and then there would be a gap in my mind so the evil could get in and arrest me. When I noticed this I strengthened my righteous mind and vigorously eliminated all evil in me without stopping for a long period of time. I didn't stop and dared not leave a chance for them to try to take control of my mind. I kept cleaning myself.
I felt like an immense and mighty giant. My mind and heart were boundless and my mind became clear. I spoke very quietly to myself: "I will validate this Fa and leave China today." It felt as though each step was shaking many other vast dimensions so I began to take lighter steps. Full of mercy and compassion for the universe, I paced around slowly, lightly placing one foot down in front of the other toward Tiananmen Square.
Instant and Timeless
The events on the square were timeless and still over in an instant.
When my mind was righteous, I was literally invisible. When my mind wasn't righteous, I was caught instantly. When my mind was righteous again, the evil was weak and helpless. In all, I did validate the Fa that day but I didn't leave and go home. Instead the evil had me but it was no matter to me, it was a great chance to clarify the truth to the Chinese police officers.
When I arrived in Canada, my heart was still in China. The situation there is so complicated and evil, that it is very terrible situation for those helplessly lost in it. It troubled my heart a great deal. Many practitioners even treated me as some sort of hero. I kindly asked them to cultivate their speech. My heart had indeed changed a great deal and I felt like a new person.
A Few of My Understandings
I continued to clarify the truth as best as I could and even started writing a book about my experience so ordinary people could understand practitioners better. One day I was trying to turn on my notebook (small computer) so that I could continue working on my book. I was close to finishing the second half. But every time I turned on the computer the operating system would not start properly. So I pulled out the computer disk that I had this portion of the book backed up on and tried to open this file and it wouldn't open. Other documents opened on that disk but not the second half of my book. This was obvious interference and a direct attack by the evil. I got frustrated but I remained calm. A practitioner called my phone on my way to the computer store and told me that everything was going to be fine and that I would find my other half of the book. His righteous mind inspired me.
I began to clean myself. I realized that to look inside for the shortcomings, to clean myself, and to send forth righteous thoughts was in succession yet still very quick. It was as though a large solid tunnel was being broken through by Gong [the energy] and I reached a point where I saw something very deviated in myself. Furthermore I could see all the various ways the evil had used to interfere with cultivation and Fa rectification. This time I faced it head on and destroyed it. The pain shot through my head as it was destroyed. As I continued charging down this tunnel I continued telling Master that I was still here and OK. Then I came to another, more deviated part in my being and this one was the cause of the previous deviation and the awakening to my attachments and the problems it caused were even worse. I told Master that I harbored that heart and that I accept responsibility for my wrongdoings. The shaking got even more forceful and pain shot through my head again. All my muscles were flexed very tightly and my jaw was locked tight. I spoke to Master, "Master I am still here, I am OK." My eyes filled with tears because I could sense Master's compassion.
I was charging down the tunnel until the original deviation and the various attachments were there. It was my fundamental attachment, the moment when I became pleased by the celebration of the heavenly beings. The Fa was rectifying the Universe and at that moment in time, I took credit for it placing myself before the mighty Dafa. My fundamental attachment was revealed again and I chose to keep it instead of eliminate it. At that moment I chose to face it, accept responsibility for it and eliminate it. This time my surface body almost couldn't bear the stress as the powerful current of Gong intensified and then I heard a loud snapping noise and one of the bones in my chest cracked. In another space it felt like an explosion. The shaking subsided, my heavy breathing began to calm down and my jaw loosened. I looked down at my chest. Then I remembered that it didn't matter because I am a practitioner and then the bone was mended by Gong.
At this point I kept sending forth righteous thoughts and cleaning myself and looking into my heart but now I was calm and my mind was still very serious.
I decided regardless if I can recover the book or not, I will re-write it and make up for the losses I had created. My mind became more firm and determined and my understanding became better about how the Fa manifests at different levels. That is what we need to rectify anything in our reach, the many levels and dimensions of our own.
So I walked into the computer store and gave my computer to the fellow practitioner who worked in the store. He retrieved the file, but the notebook computer was almost permanently damaged and had to be sent in for repairs.
Towards Maturity
I had thought that many problems in the past month or so were xinxing tests arranged for me to enlighten to the Fa and to break through level after level. Master also said, "It's just that right now the old evil forces think that Dafa disciples have not yet been completely tempered and become mature, and need to be tempered further, and they think that they still need to keep up the evil. Of course, the old evil forces want to do this, but I don't recognize these things one bit." (Fa-Lecture at the Conference in Florida, U.S.A.)
I am not supposed to acknowledge the evil so I eliminate it, but it surely couldn't cause such problems if I had matured as a Dafa disciple. If I was mature, wouldn't my righteous thoughts be stronger and more effective? Wouldn't I be able to work with practitioners better and wouldn't I be able to save more beings so they don't miss their chance?
In the past I would have mentally beaten myself up, being sad because I was such a poor practitioner or because I had betrayed Master, etc...etc... These concerns seem selfless but they are all in relation to me and how good or bad I am. It was in fact my very self-centered approach to understanding the Fa that I had harbored for far too long. But now, it was much more serious and not just about myself anymore. Instead it is for the universe and all its varying forms of life and their manifestations at different levels that I do what I do, for the eternal stability of the Great Law. It is for the Fa itself, that which we are particles of.
One Saturday I had decided not to go to the Chinese Consulate because I had too many important things to do. But I changed my mind and went to the Chinese Consulate. Once we started to send forth righteous thoughts, I didn't feel Gong just coming from my body, but I felt the rotation of immense celestial bodies rotating inside me. There is no way to describe with words but my human side began to weep and came to better understand something else Master said in Florida:
"In the past it wasn't called 'sending forth righteous thoughts,' it was 'divine powers'--using divine powers, Buddha Fa's divine powers. Everyday people have referred to it as 'supernormal abilities.' So why do I call it sending forth righteous thoughts? Since you're doing Dafa cultivation, everything should be the most magnificent and the purest. None of the things we do are just about your personal cultivation. We have to also consider the Fa, and we have to consider the new beings of the future, and, at the same time, we have to consider the form of beings in the future." (Fa-Lecture at the Conference in Florida, U.S.A.)
We are Dafa particles, saving great Lords and Kings of many divine and incomparably wonderful places. What does that make us? In fact I don't think about it and don't encourage others to either. I am only trying to share my understanding of the solemnity and sacredness of a Dafa disciple.
Master said in Washington D.C, "Cherish the present time and make the best use of it--this time is meant for the disciples." Fellow disciples, let's do it together, within the Fa so we can meet Master's request to do even better.
The above is my understanding of things through my experiences, so please point out anything you see as incorrect.
