Eliminating My Attachments to Guilt, Self-Blame, and Low Self-Esteem

(Minghui.org) After going to Beijing to speak up for Falun Dafa in 2002, I was sentenced to one and a half years in a forced labor camp. Due to my fear and lack of Fa study I took a detour in my cultivation and submitted to the persecutors’ demands. After I was released I was filled with regret and shame so I avoided other practitioners. However, I never gave up Dafa in my heart. I tried to read the teachings but couldn’t calm down and focus.

Master did not give up on me, and practitioners repeatedly contacted me. Encouraged by practitioners, I overcame my fear and guilt and joined a Fa study group. It took me about a year and a half to rejoin the group and begin distributing truth clarification materials.

My family greatly benefited from my practicing Falun Dafa, but I did not cultivate well. Other practitioners are usually happy, but I felt burdened with low self-worth and self-criticism. I cared too much about people’s opinions, so I had no confidence and I was worried that I would offend people. Whenever I did something wrong, it stayed with me for a long time. My attachment to saving face was driven by selfishness and an attachment to vanity.

I read an article written by a practitioner, “Guilt Is Also an Attachment,” which helped me. The practitioner wrote, “In short, guilt is actually a kind of resentment, but this kind of resentment is for ourselves. You blame yourself, you hate yourself, you attack yourself. It is not looking within; it is a strong attachment. Guilt is nothing but self-criticism, complaining about oneself, and attacking oneself. It is an attachment, and is also a type of Party culture. Self-criticism is a vicious cycle, and habitual self-critics are the worst critics of others. This is also what makes getting rid of resentment so tricky.”

In another sharing article, “A Discussion About Sickness Karma,” the practitioner wrote, “Just imagine, with all those gods in heaven, why were you chosen to descend? It is wrong to believe that you are incapable, and reflects a lack of righteous faith in Dafa and Master at the fundamental level. You have not really stood in the position of a Dafa disciple. Because whether you believe it or not, you stand on firm ground with strong support behind you. The things you do are not just about you, the things you do are also affirming Dafa in the world.

“When you think less of yourself, is that just your own opinion? No, it is an arrangement of the old forces. When you think you cannot do something, your mind will limit your abilities. There’s no way your guardian gods, as well as all the other righteous gods around you can help you, because their help also has to be within Dafa. It must be in alignment with your thoughts and the capabilities and righteous factors that work through you. If you don’t think you can, then you won’t be able to.”

After I read these articles, I realized that I was still attached to self-blame, regret, and guilt. The old forces took advantage of these attachments and persecuted me. I had trouble maintaining righteous thoughts and difficulty doing the three things, which in turn affected my ability to help Master save sentient beings.

Even as I write this article I struggle with interference, and I find it difficult to proceed. I would like to thank a fellow practitioner for pushing me to continue writing this article.

Master said:

“The notions that are developed will obstruct and control a person for the remainder of his life. A human notion is usually selfish—or worse—and thus generates thought karma which, in turn, controls the person. A human being is to be governed by his master soul (zhu yuan-shen). When your master soul becomes lax and is replaced by notions, you have unconditionally surrendered, and your life is now under their control.” (“Buddha Nature,” Zhuan Falun Vol. II)

Master clearly instructed us:

“I don’t like it when you blame yourselves, it’s completely pointless. I’ll just repeat what I said: If you’ve fallen don’t just lie there, get up right away!” (Teachings Given on Lantern Festival Day, 2003)

Master’s Fa has shown me a broad path of cultivation, cleansed the dark clouds from my heart, strengthened my faith in cultivation, and encouraged me to advance diligently. Fellow practitioners’ sharing articles awakened me to my fundamental attachments. In the limited time remaining, I will study the Fa more, study it well, look within, eliminate various attachments and human notions, and save more sentient beings. Thank you, Master, for your compassionate salvation! Thank you, fellow practitioners, for your encouragement!