Letting Go of Jealousy after It Resurfaced

(Minghui.org) Seeing others easily overcome tribulations or improve their xinxing, I experienced a sense of jealousy, grievance, injustice, complaining and negative feelings. I became depressed, was inattentive when studying the Fa, or found reasons not to study. After a while, I regretted it, looked within and tried to remove these attachments.

Perhaps the experiences reflected at my current level are what Teacher said, “If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile.” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)

I understood a long time ago that I should get rid of jealousy, but I didn’t understand jealousy deeply so I couldn’t eliminate it at the root. I just suppressed it when it appeared and came up with a bunch of different reasons when I didn’t do well in removing the attachment.

I had the chance to read Zhuan Falun when I was in junior high school, and read the book every night. With Master’s help, my grades improved dramatically, going from bottom of the class to the top. My academic studies had not been smooth sailing, and before practicing Dafa I would never have thought of becoming a Ph.D. student one day.

I noticed my jealousy become stronger recently, after my cousin asked me for help in writing her thesis for her Masters degree. I spent a lot of time and effort learning how to research and write a thesis without any help from others. A thought flashed through my mind: Should I share my precious experience that I gained over time or just share a little with her? I quickly realized that this thought was the result of some attachment, so I denied it and told my cousin all the key points I had learned in writing a thesis.

I thought I did well in denying the attachment. However, when she told me that she planned to pursue a Ph.D. after her Masters, I suddenly felt uncomfortable with all sorts of weird concerns. I worried that if she got a Ph.D., I would no longer be the only one in our extended family holding such a qualification. Everyone would favor her and ignore me. Even worse, if I couldn’t complete my Ph.D., everyone would laugh and look down on me. These thoughts and the pressure from a recent academic setback made me feel terribly lost and depressed.

My doctoral graduation is approaching after being postponed for some time. Although it is common for students to delay their doctoral graduation for various reasons, I still felt at a loss when I saw others around me finish their dissertations and graduate. Moreover, I encountered a problem with the results from my research, which may prevent me from meeting the graduation requirements. Feeling extremely bad, I cried to my parents on the phone, complaining about working harder but achieving less than others at school.

I couldn’t study for several days due to pressure and grievance. To relieve my depression, I started watching Korean soap operas, which I had stopped watching a long time ago. Bad thoughts from the novels and comics that I had read appeared in my mind again. I thought I had already removed these bad things and tried hard to get rid of lust, but they still existed. Driven by lust, I stayed up late to watch shows and browse Internet blogs. Given this situation, I forgot to study the Fa, as well as developed all kinds of bad habits and dirty thoughts.

After a few days, I regretted my behavior, gathered strength, and pulled myself together to think about what went wrong.

I believed the troubles resulted from jealousy of my cousin and classmates. When I saw they did well in their research, I always blamed my circumstances for lacking a good mentor, which hindered my academic development.

I fell short of believing in Master and the Fa. I was more worried about my family’s attitude toward me than living up to the Fa’s standards. Due to fame and gain, I cared too much for the Ph.D. degree, so I was disappointed easily by my research results. Selfishness and jealousy led me to depression and lust, which brought serious consequences.

I have learned that there are various difficulties and tribulations in cultivation and in daily life. I ought not to watch ordinary entertainment in an attempt to ease the discomforts in life.

From now on, I will study the Fa diligently, remove all attachments, especially jealousy and lust, and stop finding excuses that allow me to indulge in all sorts of attachments.