Repeated Rejection Exposed My Attachment to Resentment

(Minghui.org) Greetings Master! Greetings fellow practitioners!

I am 24 years old and I live in the U.S. I am grateful to have grown up practicing Falun Dafa with my mom since I was two years old. I would like to share my experiences of recognizing and letting go of my attachments through losing and finding a job.

Resentment Stems from Looking Outwards 

After graduating from nursing school I worked in a children’s Intensive Care Unit (ICU) as my first job. It was very short-lived as I only worked there for about five months. It was a very fast-paced and high-intensity environment where I struggled to keep up. 

During my last few months of orientation, I had a new mentor who was very straightforward. She frequently criticized me and once told me that I needed to improve faster or else I would have to work somewhere else. 

Trying to improve, I wrote down my mentor’s tips and criticisms. After work I reflected on my shortcomings and considered how I could do better the next day. I even discussed with my friends how to improve my job performance.

I understood that my mentor was testing my xinxing because each time she criticized me, I felt uncomfortable in my heart. On the outside, I smiled and thanked her for her critiques and expressed my willingness to improve. But secretly on the inside I would think: “Why is she being so picky?” or “My way is not wrong even though it’s different from yours.” I even complained about the way she criticized me and felt that if she said it kindly I could easily accept it. 

One time after she criticized me for a mistake I made, instead of eating lunch on my break, I went outside and cried. I felt it was too difficult to forbear her criticism. I also wasn’t making progress in improving and meeting her expectations. Resentment started slowly brewing in my heart each time she brought up my flaws or didn’t accept my way of doing things.

In the end, I was told that, based on my mentor’s evaluation, it would be better if I found a job elsewhere to improve my fundamentals and basic nursing skills. I was devastated and I felt like a failure. All of the hard work, time, and effort I put into improving myself weren’t acknowledged. I was frustrated, and resentment in my heart grew. I looked outwards and tried to put the blame on someone else. 

It took me a few months to finally put my negative feelings aside, look within, and reflect on what happened. I realized that I wasn’t treating myself as a cultivator and truly taking this as an opportunity to remove my attachments. Instead, I acted like an ordinary person and viewed my suffering as a result of her unfair treatment. I complained about and resented the situation when it felt too difficult to endure. I am ashamed to admit that I even had fleeting thoughts of resentment towards Master for not helping me in this situation. I was shocked to find how strong and deeply rooted my attachment to resentment was. I sincerely apologize to Master for thinking this way. 

Master said,

“You fell here from a holy, pure, and incomparably splendid world because you had developed attachments at that level. After falling into a world that is, by comparison, most filthy, instead of cultivating yourself to go back in a hurry, you don’t let go of those filthy things that you cling to in this filthy world, and you even agonize over the most trivial losses. Did you know that in order to save you the Buddha once begged for food among everyday people? Today, I once again make the door wide open, and teach this Dafa[1] to save you. I have never felt bitter for the numerous hardships I have suffered. Then what do you have that still can’t be abandoned? Can you bring to heaven the things deep down inside that you cannot let go of? ” (“True Cultivation,” Essentials For Further Advancement)

Through writing this sharing, I discovered that resentment and my inability to accept criticism stemmed from looking outwards. Instead of reflecting on myself and taking my mentor’s criticisms to heart, I complained about her difficult personality and how she was being too nitpicky. I even began to criticize the way she criticized me. I wanted her to be less straightforward and instead be nicer when pointing out my flaws. I didn’t fully accept her critiques because she did not deliver them the way I preferred.

Master said, 

“Some students have, throughout the course of their cultivation, always looked outward, sought external solutions, and looked for things outwardly, focusing on things such as how others are not treating them well, are saying displeasing things, are acting too much like ordinary people, are always being hard on them, or are never accepting their ideas. As a result, you have stopped doing anything that Dafa disciples do to validate the Fa, and have even stopped cultivating in a fit of anger. Do you really not realize for whom you are cultivating? Do you really not understand that those unpleasant things are helping you to cultivate, remove your human thoughts, and get rid of your attachments? Didn’t the course of your life change into that of a cultivator the day you took up cultivation? Isn’t it true that nothing you come across is by chance? Aren’t you traveling the path to divinity? Do you really believe that cultivation is only appealing and you can only elevate when what graces your ears are pleasing things and when Dafa disciples only say things that resonate with you? ” (“To the European Fa Conference,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III)

I initially felt stuck because I wasn’t improving at work regardless of how hard I tried even after superficially applying my mentor’s tips and critiques. But through writing this sharing, I’ve gained clarity and realized that my performance at work was directly correlated to my cultivation state. I was in a state of constantly looking outward and blaming and resenting others. Since I always looked outward and never wholeheartedly accepted my mentor’s criticisms, I was never able to make quick and solid improvement. Had I looked within and emphasized improving my cultivation and xinxing, there might have been a different outcome. Through this job loss, I was finally able to clearly see these deeply-rooted attachments and recognize how I was not aligning myself with the Fa. 

I am grateful to Master for opening my eyes to this hidden attachment of resentment. After recognizing this attachment, I often catch myself complaining and being resentful whenever I am faced with a difficult tribulation at work or in interpersonal conflicts, and I quickly try to reject those negative thoughts. Thank you, Master. 

Letting Go and Having Faith in Master 

During the height of the CCP virus pandemic in 2020, I had been job searching for four months. I applied for position A, a children’s nursing position at my friend’s workplace, and during the process I experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions and a series of rejections. 

My application for position A was first rejected by Human Resources before I even got an interview, and I was devastated. I felt hopeless and depressed. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen the next day. I even blamed my former mentor again because I thought she gave me a poor review as my job reference. 

But, surprisingly, the following day my application status changed. I was reconsidered for position A, and I became hopeful and happy again. A few days later, I received an email saying that the job position was withdrawn, but the email turned out to be a mistake. 

I was dejected and tearful both times I was rejected but then happy and hopeful again when I received good news. My mood and emotions were like a roller coaster that would go up and down with every update about the job. I started to recognize that I was being tested to see if I would be emotionally moved each time I was rejected. Thus, I told myself that I needed to stop being so attached to this job and naturally follow Master’s arrangements, but it was still difficult to do. 

Master said,

“In spiritual practice you have to go through ordeals, and they serve to test whether you can become free of your emotions and desires and the sway they hold over you. Being attached to those things will impede your progress.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

Eventually I was interviewed for position A. But, meanwhile, I had another upcoming interview for position B, a job opportunity working with adult patients. However, I really didn’t want to work with adults, and I didn’t even want to interview for the position because I was so attached to position A where I could work with children. I reluctantly started preparing for position B’s interview when a week passed, and I still hadn’t received a response for position A. 

Through the interview preparation, I started to recognize very strong attachments for position A. Like an ordinary person who cared for self-interests, I valued enjoyment and passion in my career, and I couldn’t bear the thought of a future where I worked at a job that I didn’t enjoy, like position B. My attachment to sentimentality manifested in strong likes and dislikes: I liked children so much more than adults because they were cuter and more fun to work with. I also enlightened to my attachment to laziness because I wanted to take the easy route by working with children. Because they are smaller and lighter than adults, kids would mean less manual labor. After recognizing these attachments, I started letting them go. I began to see the advantages of position B as a great learning opportunity. By the time I was interviewed for the position, I was able to go with the flow and accept whatever future Master arranged for me, even if it meant working with adults. 

Soon after my interview for position B, I heard from my friend that the result for position A was finalized, and the manager hired another nurse with much more experience than I had. This was the third time I was rejected for the same position, but this time I wasn’t moved. Instead of feeling emotional and resentful towards the manager and newly hired nurse, I felt compassion. I understood why the manager chose that nurse instead of me. Her expertise and years of experience would benefit the workplace and patients more than mine would. For once, I felt positive and confident about my future since it was arranged by Master rather than one I persistently sought myself. 

Master said,

“As a matter of fact, when you agonize over infringements upon your reputation, self-interest, and feelings among everyday people, it already indicates that you cannot let go of ordinary human attachments. You must remember this: Cultivation itself is not painful—the key lies in your inability to let go of ordinary human attachments. Only when you are about to let go of your reputation, interests, and feelings will you feel pain.” (“True Cultivation,” Essentials For Further Advancement)

Without those attachments holding me down, I finally felt free and liberated from my emotions. Even though I felt a little sad, I was able to brush it off and not let the rejection consume me. 

Seeing that I was able to finally let go of my attachments, Master with His boundless compassion and mercy, arranged for a miracle. The next morning my friend woke me up with a phone call telling me that I got the job for position A! My friend said the manager specifically requested an additional position be opened just to hire me. 

Master always arranges the best path for His disciples, but I didn’t truly treat myself as Master’s disciple. I didn’t treat these xinxing tests seriously as opportunities to improve in cultivation and quickly let go of attachments. I also didn’t have complete faith in Master’s arrangements. However, once I completely let go of my attachments and had complete faith in Master, I was finally able to walk the path that Master had arranged for me. Thank you, compassionate Master.

Conclusion

Cultivation is a serious matter. When we identify our attachments we shouldn’t waste time in eliminating them. Through improved Fa study, I have been able to recognize my attachments and look within more easily. I still have many attachments to remove, such as the attachment to fear, laziness, jealousy, lust, and sentimentality. With the time that Master has extended for us, let’s strive forward diligently, eliminate our last attachments, and do well in clarifying the truth and saving sentient beings. 

My understanding is limited. If there is anything incorrect, please compassionately point it out. 

Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow, practitioners!

(Presented at the 2021 Online International Young Practitioners Experience Sharing Conference)