Discovering and Eliminating Resentment and Self-Centeredness
(Minghui.org) I brought my daughter to visit Amy every year when she came home for the summer holiday from school. Amy and her mother are Falun Dafa practitioners. They cultivate diligently. Every time we visited, Amy would bring up the same old story about me to my daughter.
I published an article on the Zhengjian.org 20 years ago using my alias and also said that I was from Shandong Province, a place where an ancestor came from. Amy said I was deceitful because I was really not from Shandong. I was once harassed by the police and still had fear, so I used “Shandong” as the place I was from.
Every time she brought this up I didn’t take it to heart. I reminded myself that I shouldn’t generate resentment in my heart.
When my daughter and I visited her this summer, she said again: “You are very deceitful. You pretended that you were from Shandong Province.”
I was annoyed this time. Twenty years had passed but she still mentioned it. “Yes, I am a human being who is cultivating.” I replied, “not a God. Why do you mention it again and again? Your cultivation state is far behind your mother’s.” She didn’t say anything further when she found that I was angry.
On our way home I asked my daughter why Amy couldn’t let this thing go and what attachment I should let go. My daughter suggested that I was not in a good cultivation state at the moment. I agreed that I should thoroughly look within.
Amy Was an Employee at My Shop
Amy mentioned this story a few times while she worked at my shop. I just dismissed it with a smile. I thought she was just a fussy person and it was for me to increase my tolerance. Sometimes she was unhappy and looked like she was wronged or unfairly treated. I tried my best to treat her well and give her a good wage. Even though she was not that capable I cherished our predestined relationship as Falun Dafa practitioners. Still, there was always something separating us. I didn’t get along with her as well as I did with other non-practitioner employees.
I hoped that Amy would work cooperatively with me. But it was not the case in reality. I didn’t point it out to her though I was not happy about it. She seemed to not be happy with me and often challenged me.
Once I asked her to be the shop manager. She refused and said: “This place is too complicated. I will resign if you ask me to be the manager.” Gradually I developed resentment toward her. I asked her how she would manage the shop if she was the boss. She replied: “Don’t ask me. It is your business.”
I felt that Amy judged me with the standards of the Fa. I thought I shouldn’t make any mistakes. If I did make a mistake, this would indicate that I didn’t cultivate well. I could criticize employees that weren’t practitioners if they made mistakes. However, if an employee who was a Falun Dafa practitioner made mistakes, I was reluctant to let them know because I was afraid to generate any conflict with them. I was unsuccessful as a boss to practitioners. Sometimes I didn’t know what to do.
When Amy resigned, I knew she left with resentment, grievances and a sense of being unfairly treated.
Reflection on My Behavior Towards Amy
When reviewing Amy’s employment with me, I realized why she behaved like that. She was a mirror of myself. Sometimes she contradicted me and didn’t cooperate with me. The reason was that I acted the same way as she did. I didn’t like her because I felt she was irritating. When she showed her discontent, I immediately had such thoughts in my mind: “Why are you still not satisfied? I have treated you so well. What else do you want? Why don’t you think of me? I have to bear so much pressure.”
At that moment another door opened to me. I clearly saw the stains on my face. Amy was actually helping me to succeed in my cultivation. But I regarded myself as her boss and put a higher requirement on her. I required her to reach my standard otherwise she didn’t cultivate well. Amy shouldn’t have opinions different from mine and shouldn’t find fault with me. She should be content because nobody would look after her like me if she worked in an ordinary company. If her xinxing was good, she should work diligently and be happy every day. Why did she cause trouble for me? All practitioners seemed to start work happily in my shop but left unhappily or with resentment.
I had been trying to change other practitioners. I saw myself as sacrificing for them and taking good care of them. I wanted to have the same treatment from them. When they were not good to me or didn’t reach my standard, resentment surfaced, I measured my employees with Fa-principles. I looked at the shortcomings just like Amy looked at mine.
My behaviors actually resulted from my jealousy and self-centeredness. Amy had worked at my shop for many years but I had not recognized my fundamental attachments. So she repeated that story about me for 20 years before I was able to enlighten to my attachments. I was rude to her that day and got angry. I didn’t cultivate myself. I’d like to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry to Amy!
My behavior related to resentment, such as looking down on other people, and being picky and self-centered were not the behavior of a Falun Dafa cultivator.
Practitioners are perfecting themselves in cultivation. Though we look ordinary in everyday society, we are shining particles in the new cosmos. So we must cultivate out the attachments of competitiveness and aggressiveness.
Recently I sent strong righteous thoughts to dissolve my resentment, self-centeredness and jealousy completely from the surface level to the microscopic level. I now feel light and shining!