Have I Truly Cultivated Myself?
(Minghui.org) I have had the great fortune to cultivate Falun Dafa for six years. After a long period of deep thought, however, though grateful for Master’s mercy and salvation, I also felt a twinge of guilt. I languished in a state of working on my cultivation by fits and starts and not being diligent. I would like to share my experiences and thoughts, hoping that they might help other practitioners in their cultivation.
I used to feel quite diligent about how well I was cultivating, because I always thought of Master and the Fa. I have recently come to a new understanding and realize that my cultivation has been superficial. When the “Chinese Communist virus” (CCP virus, also known as coronavirus) began to spread, and communities were closed, my heart was disturbed.
I sometimes followed society’s trends in this calamity. This resulted in the birth of many attachments. I harbored fear and worry about my own safety and security. When I saw everyday people suffering, I complained about them and feared the Fa-rectification would end before I could do the three things well and help them. I read the news on the Minghui website every day and compared it with the news in China. My husband and I discussed the current news and speculated about the developing situation.
I discussed the news with my mother-in-law, a fellow practitioner, embellished with my own understandings. Due to interference from my attachments and wild guesses about things, I started to complain about how bad, selfish, and stupid people are nowadays. We did not cultivate our speech when discussing current situations. We spoke arrogantly, developed unrealistic mindsets, and forgot the fundamentals of Falun Dafa.
Recently, my mother became seriously ill with what appeared to me to be hysteria and I brought her to my house. In the past, our personalities were as incompatible as fire and water. I thought she was selfish and she thought that I was too stupid to handle anything. It was difficult for us to deal with anything consistently because I was very self-willed about whatever I did.
Ever since I became a practitioner, I have tried to pay attention to improving myself and felt that I did pretty well. But due to the epidemic and my mother’s condition, my attachments have been totally exposed. I was so concerned about my mother’s condition that I pretty much ordered her to recite “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.”
When my mother said that she could not do that, I got angry and insisted that she read the phrases. I complained that she was not firm in her thoughts. Without thinking of her discomfort and with no patience to comfort her, I thought she was pretending to be unwilling to do what I asked. I was trying to find her faults and lacked the compassion of a practitioner.
My mother stayed with me for four days. After she left, I looked at the pillow she had slept on and felt very sad. Suddenly, I had such sympathy for her: “Who can pretend to be ill!” I felt guilty, began to blame myself, and regretted my behavior. I was ashamed to think that I was not even as good as most good people in everyday life.
At night, I lay in bed thinking about these things, feeling very frustrated and ashamed, thinking that I’d failed in my cultivation. When all is well I am very clear about the Fa principles and confident about doing everything well. When something happens unexpectedly, I don’t always handle it satisfactorily.
After that, I felt regret as tears streamed down, thinking to myself, “Master, am I qualified to be a practitioner? I know that Master and Dafa are extremely sacred and pure and I don’t deserve to be a Dafa practitioner when I do things like that. If I can’t do things well, this will also discredit the Fa.” I was so sad!
At this time, a sentence appeared in my mind: “Disciple, you must truly practice cultivation.” I felt that compassionate Master was encouraging me. I was so moved that I immediately got up, realizing that Master was not giving up on me, but giving me strength to practice well.
Looking back carefully, it turns out that, although I have practiced Falun Dafa for a few years, I was still in a state of an everyday person and not truly practicing cultivation. When doing the three things practitioners should do, I just did them like “homework.”
I opened a fellow practitioner’s article downloaded from Minghui.org. While reading the article, I came upon Master’s words:
“You are cultivators. I’m not talking about your past, what you once were, or what you display on the surface. I am talking about your core and the meaning of your life, the responsibility you shoulder, and your historic mission. Only thus are you truly a Dafa disciple.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XI)
I was shocked to read that! I suddenly understood that our lives are different now, as we have been changed by Master. At my level, I have realized that our essence, responsibility, and mission constitute the true meaning of our lives. So why should I hold onto the things of everyday life and still use everyday people’s thoughts to measure what is good or bad?
My reputation, vanity, emotions, and desiring the “good life” are not important at all. My heart immediately loosened up. I realized the meaning of my life! The cultivation of Dafa is very sacred, and it is our supreme glory to help Master in the Fa-rectification.