Understanding My Resentment
(Minghui.org) I have the attachment of “resentment,” which has caused me a lot of suffering. Talking about this resentment now, I realize that I was more interested in looking after equipment than in treating others compassionately.
I used to travel around as a technical consultant to help repair and maintain machines. At first, I patiently taught senior practitioners to use printers. Based on their ability, I taught them step by step and helped them try it out several times. But they always made mistakes and I lost my temper and started to complain to them, and even scold them, especially when they broke a machine. My resentment toward them was sometimes very strong, and those practitioners looked like a child being told they had done something wrong.
I was aware that I should make a change. But when the issue occurred again, such as when the ink ran out even after several reminders, or the printer got stuck yet again, I became angry. I said things like, “Your home looks so neat and clean, so why do you make the machine so dirty?” and “Can't you clean the machine a little bit? Do you understand?” I said these things without hesitation.
My resentment manifested like a ghost. It was sometimes big and sometimes small. It had levels. It became strong when my attachment was strong. It was very negative and exaggerated the feeling. When I calmed down, I realized that this resentment was not coming from myself. It was a kind of material made by my attachment.
I found that I had four levels of resentment. The first level came from my attitude. When I saw something that wasn't up to my standard, I complained in my mind. It was like drivers not following the traffic rules when I saw that the ink was gone again or the machine was stuck again, or the machine was dirty, etc. I complained by thinking, “Why didn't they follow the rules, why is his memory so bad, why wasn't he careful with the details, why didn't he follow the suggestions, etc. My resentment usually remained unverbalized, and I could control it.
At the second level, I complained verbally. I could not help expressing my feelings to others. I was even impolite to senior practitioners.
At the third level, I argued with people. I pointed out specific things. Sometimes, this resentment was even more negative.
I imaged that by the fourth level, I might not want to respond to his request for help anymore. And I might even avoid seeing him in person. Luckily, I haven’t reached this level yet. How can I hate a fellow practitioner?
I sometimes wondered where this resentment came from. After studying the Fa, I found that it might be because I was holding onto my self interest like a habit, mind set, or other attachment. I was very selfish and wasn't considering others.
Some practitioners are close to 80 years old, but still try to learn how to use a computer and do printing. I am the only one younger than them. But I didn't want to be patient and help them. My emotions and selfishness created this resentment. I didn't have enough compassion to look after their needs.
They told me that I was over-confident and not a good leader. I just thought they said this because I knew how to use the equipment. But I did not consider others who had never used such things, so it was difficult for them. I judged things based on my standard. If others did not follow me or meet my standards, I became angry and resentful. In other words, people had to agree with me. Self-exaggeration, negative predestined relationship, or karma can all create resentment. I should use every chance I have to eliminate this attachment, but I missed so any chances. I did not look inward—only outward.
“A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion. With no discontentment or hatred, he takes hardship as joy. An enlightened person has no attachments at all. He quietly observes the people of the world deluded by illusions.” (“Realms,” Essentials for Further Advancement)
I hope I can eliminate this resentment and have compassion instead. I will then improve myself and reach a higher level.
Please kindly point out anything improper.