(Minghui.org) My mother began practicing Falun Dafa in 1997. Given her influence, I also stepped into this cultivation practice in 2004.
After practicing Falun Dafa, my mother recovered from her health problems. I was in junior high school and didn't understand what cultivation was all about. But it was a good thing, because my mother regained her health. I read Dafa books and watched Dafa videotapes with my mother, although I did not understand cultivation. I did the sitting meditation, and once sat for more than 40 minutes. My mother praised me for having good inborn quality. But my legs hurt so much that I cried for a long time.
Experiencing the Persecution
The persecution started in July 1999. I believe the children in every Dafa practitioner's family went through a dreadful period, and I was no exception. I was frightened all the time. I was afraid when I heard the sound of police cars outside my home, afraid of footsteps on the stairs, afraid of a knock on the door, and afraid of my mother being arrested, because she was listed as one of those “important” people at that time. The police often came to harass us and ransack our home.
When I was home alone, two police officers came to ransack the place. I hid the Dafa books before they came in. Because I was only a kid, they didn't do anything. They wanted me to find the Dafa books; I said we didn't have any. They soon left. When my mother came home, she said, “You protected the Dafa books—your good deed will be rewarded.” I was happy to hear that. Sometimes I helped her write some truth-clarification banners, and she went out to put them up.
My mother was illegally detained in a forced labor camp for one year in 2001. It was a difficult year for me. That summer my father took me and my brother to visit my mother at Masanjia Forced Labor Camp. We walked down the road for a long time. There was land one either side of the road, and we didn't see anyone else. Far away there were a few buildings and people grew vegetables in the yards. We continued walking a long way and passed a youth correctional home, which seemed to be abandoned. Finally we arrived at the entrance.
There was my mother, who was very thin, accompanied by a female guard who told us that my mother could only see us for 15 minutes, because she refused to give up her faith. I cried and cried and said nothing. My mother cried too when she saw us. I knew my mother had a hard time there, so if I said anything, it would just add to her stress.
I read all my mother's Dafa books once in 2003. Then I thought that I should cultivate, too. But my mother was arrested again, and my heart sank. According to the communist regime's laws, she would be sentenced for the second arrest. My mother went on a hunger strike in the detention center to show her objection to the persecution. After 11 days, the detention center got worried about her condition and didn’t want to be held responsible if anything happened to her, so they told my father to take Mother home.
My father carried her home and put her in bed. She was very weak. I was next to her and could smell something pleasant, but I couldn't describe it. It was very fragrant. It was the hottest day of the season, and Mother hadn't showered for 11 days. Where did the smell come from? I asked her. She said it was because Master was taking care of her. I was stunned and told myself that I wanted to cultivate!
Obtaining the Fa, Studying and Memorizing the Fa
During the 2004 Chinese New Year, I learned all five exercises according to Master’s teaching videos and since then have been a genuine cultivator.
My father strongly opposed my cultivation because he saw with his own eyes how brutally the Party was persecuting Dafa disciples, and he was afraid. My boyfriend also strongly opposed it. He even grabbed me by the neck and threatened me to give up Dafa. But gradually everything passed. After my boyfriend and I married, he also began to practice.
Shortly after I began practicing, I memorized the Fa. Because I was about to graduate and was trying to adapt to a new job, I didn’t have enough time to study the Fa. I began to memorize the Fa, 10 pages a day and didn’t feel tired after 11 p.m. From then on, with the exception of a few years, I continued to memorize the Fa.
I was a university graduate, and I noticed that when I recited an ordinary book I would remember it for a long time. But reciting Dafa books was different. Sometimes, as soon as I could recite a part, I would forget it quickly. Of course this was not an issue and I kept going. Just like a practitioner said, when we got stuck at a certain part, it meant we hadn’t harmonized ourselves into the Fa in that particular area. Through memorizing the Fa, I gained a better understanding of the Fa. I felt that my thoughts were elevated. Whenever I encountered a problem, the appropriate Fa principles would appear in my mind and the problem was quickly resolved.
Master advises us to study the teachings together, but since I worked out-of-town and didn’t have many opportunities to connect with fellow practitioners, I went back to my hometown on public holidays so that we could study the Fa together. I still remember the first time I joined the group of over 10 people, when it was my turn to read, I couldn’t help laughing. This went on for a long time. Perhaps my knowing side was very happy, so I just wanted to laugh. Because I didn’t participate in group study frequently, I especially cherished the opportunity.
Then I met a practitioner near where I worked and studied with her. Last May, I studied with her in her home, then we went to another practitioner’s house and continued to study. I realized that the way I read had changed. My voice had become softer and quieter. It was very calming.
In today’s world where the moral values are swiftly declining, we encounter everyday people all the time. Without Dafa’s continuous cleansing, it’s very easy to get caught up in their pastimes and pursuits. So, for the past 15 years, I’ve never traveled anywhere or seen a movie. Nevertheless, there are many times I feel that I often have human thoughts. When I compare myself with practitioners who are very diligent, I see a big difference.
Developing Resentment
My mother-in-law helped me elevate my xinxing. More than 10 years ago, when I met my boyfriend’s mother for the first time, I thought to myself, “Oh, my. I dislike her!” Actually I was surprised at myself at the time. I was just over 20 and had never felt that way about anyone before. I wasn’t a cultivator at that time.
After I began to cultivate, I realized that I reacted this way because she and I had a karmic relationship.
My husband and I didn’t have children for several years after we married, which worried my mother-in-law. She asked me to go see a doctor. By that time I was cultivating. I said I didn’t have any health problems and didn’t need to see a doctor. But she thought otherwise. She asked why we didn’t have any children.
My husband and I borrowed money to give to my in-laws to buy a house and move into the city. Whenever we went to her house for lunch, she mentioned having children. I kept quiet on the surface, but I felt awkward inside. I knew that, to be a cultivator, I shouldn’t have conflicts with anyone, so I tried to avoid seeing her.
My son was born in 2014. My father had already passed away and my mother was experiencing sickness karma. It was challenging for her to take care of herself, so my mother-in-law helped take care of my son.
Five days after my boy was born, my mother came to see us with a relative. My mother-in-law wanted Mother to stay and help, but I knew about her situation, so I told her to go home with the relative, which annoyed my mother-in-law. She felt that I only thought about my mother and not that she was always fatigued.
Before my mother left, she gave me $10,000 to hire someone to help. But my mother-in-law didn’t want me to spend the money on that, so she became upset. I stayed home twice after giving birth, and she made a big scene. I had never been scolded by anyone since I was a child, so I found it very hard to swallow. But I didn’t show it on my face and just endured it.
My father had just passed away, and my mother had serious health problems. I was worried about her. On top of that, my newborn cried and fussed nonstop, and my mother-in-law was never satisfied with anything I did.
I couldn’t do any of the three things, which stressed me out. As soon as the baby was fed, he soiled his diaper. My mother-in-law didn’t let me use disposable diapers, because she worried that he would get a rash. So I was washing diapers even in the middle of the night, as my mother-in-law didn’t like to see soiled diapers laying around.
I used to sleep in before my baby was born. Now I had to wake up frequently to breastfeed him and change his diaper. I got hardly any sleep and was really tired. When the baby was a few months old, I said to my mother-in-law, “I want to stop breastfeeding. He keeps wanting milk and it is never enough.” My mother-in-law didn’t agree. She said breastfeeding was much better than powdered milk.
My mother also needed care at that time, and I often wanted to go visit her. But if I did, it would upset my mother-in-law because she would have to look after her grandson by herself. She said to her son, “Your mother-in-law is sick? I don’t believe it. She just doesn’t want to look after her grandchild!” My husband tried to explain, but she didn’t believe him. She said, “If your wife wants to go, fine, just have her take the child with her. I won’t look after him.”
I had to go to work and only had one day off a week. If I took my child along, I’d have to take care of him. How would I have time for my mother? In the end, I only went to see my mother two or three times before she passed away, and I didn’t get to see her for the very last time. The day my mother was cremated, my mother-in-law called me, while I was at the crematorium, to say I had to return home to feed the baby. From that day on, I held a deep grudge against her.
After my mother passed away, I felt like my heart was closed, and I turned everyone away, especially my mother-in-law. I really resented her. I knew that, as a cultivator, I had to be tolerant. But I couldn’t let go of my grudge against her. On the surface, I kept quiet no matter what she said, but the resentment in my heart was enormous. Cultivators have energy, and I knew she sensed my resistance, and she was not pleased with me, either.
We moved into my mother-in-law’s house when the baby was three months old so she could help take care of him. She once kicked us out for a small matter. I really didn’t want to endure it anymore. If I made a mistake, I could fix it. But I didn’t make any mistake, and she scolded me for no reason at all, which upset me. I felt like having a big fight with her.
Changing Notions, Improving Xinxing
I felt that I couldn’t stand it any longer but deep down in my heart, I knew I couldn’t fight with her. I am a cultivator, and I shouldn’t have conflicts with people, I should not push away people that ought to be saved. In my mind, there was a voice that said, “When the conflict gets to the extreme, it will die down. This is crucial. Let the past be passed. If you can’t let it go now, the tribulation will continue.”
So I returned to my mother-in-law’s house. She was still pushy and domineering, but her behavior seemed to change for the better. I regarded myself as a cultivator and didn’t fight with her. Gradually, my resentment towards her faded, and I no longer complained to my husband.
Last year, I read an inspiring article on the Minghui website about a couple who were both practitioners. The husband didn’t do any household chores and the wife was upset. One night she had a dream that she was climbing a steep hill. She was standing on her husband’s shoulders, and he said he would carry her to the top of the mountain, even if he had to pay for it with his life. Immediately, I thought of my mother-in-law and my husband. In the human world, regardless of who was right or wrong, they were here to help me improve my character. I felt ashamed facing Master and sentient beings! Everything a cultivator comes across is meant to improve their character! Yet I regarded these family ordeals as a personal injustice! From then on, I let go of these ordinary people’s notions and regarded everything I encountered as opportunities to improve myself.
Thus, I changed my human notions. Nevertheless, in genuine practice, the tests get repeated. I am now able to control myself so that I won’t be moved by my human mindset. Gradually I was able to let go of my emotional attachment to my mother. I no longer hold a grudge against my mother-in-law and am able to consider things from her perspective. I show that I care about her. She’s also changed by accepting who I am and shows that she likes me.
For more than 10 years, I always felt that I disliked her because we had a karmic relationship in our past lives. It wasn’t until last year that I realized the dislike was caused by my thought karma. The true me is filled with the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and does not have bad thoughts.
Now, when I use the mind of a cultivator and look back at everything I used to do with regard to my mother-in-law, I see that each little thing, wrong as it might have seemed at the time, was actually for my improvement.
Ongoing cultivation helps me see Master’s immense compassion. For the past 15 years, whether I was an ordinary person or a cultivator, unlike other practitioners, I don’t improve in cultivation quickly but could often find my problems amidst conflicts. I improve little by little. I gradually correct myself and regard myself as a genuine Dafa disciple.
