(Minghui.org) The process of eliminating the attachments of resentment, competitiveness, jealousy and selfishness has accompanied me since I stepped on the cultivation path. However, after over 20 years, I still can’t control myself when a certain situation arises. I would fall back to an ordinary person's attitude, and compete, blame, as well as bear a grudge. After all, I always see other people’s faults.

The Chinese language article titled “Learn to Apologize” on the Minghui website, dated March 9, 2020, touched my heart. The author wrote, “Sometimes I clearly knew I was at fault, but I couldn’t admit it, because I couldn’t open my mouth [to speak].”

I looked at myself and realized that I have the same problem. A high self-esteem forces me to deny my fault, and refuse to apologize.

I have read the Fa numerous times, and I certainly understand that this behavior is wrong. But, whenever my human notion was nudged, I would explain, argue, blame and resent others. I was not living by the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance. I could not imagine that I would lower my head, admit to being in the wrong, and apologize.

Fellow practitioners had pointed it out to me many times. One said, “Whom have you ever yielded to? You are always contemptuous, and never admit of being at fault.” I always denied, argued and blamed others upon hearing similar comments.

Looking within deeper, I saw that the origin was the Chines Communist Party's (CCP) indoctrination, including my having too much self-esteem, as well as being opinionated, contemptuous and inconsiderate.

Then, I asked myself how bad could it be to lower my head, and apologize. Cultivation is to look inward, eliminate attachments and improve xinxing. In a conflict, even if I was not in the wrong, I still have to look inward.

High self-esteem and being contemptuous are related to the competitiveness developed by facing the indoctrination, where everyone wants to be the number one. The Party wants every person to be a gladiator, someone who is selfish, and will fight for one’s fame and gain, face and vanity. It wants to destroy mankind.

It was such a relief to recognize the origin of my problem. Being a cultivating practitioner, I must clean out the toxin accumulated due to being indoctrinated, and purify myself with the Fa.