My Stubborn Notions Stopped Me from Truly Cultivating
(Minghui.org) Encouraged by my husband who is a veteran practitioner, I started to practice Falun Dafa 11 years ago
I was very excited because by reading the teachings I understood the meaning of life. I admired my husband and listened to him when I didn’t know how to do things to validate Dafa. Though he often found fault with me, I cooperated with him unequivocally. Six months after I began practicing my husband was arrested when he tried to get detained practitioners released. We cooperated well and he was released and came home within 24 hours.
I started to help tell others about Falun Dafa and the persecution soon after I began practicing. I regarded doing things as cultivation. Although I studied the Fa a lot, I didn’t cultivate myself.
My husband was arrested again when he was trying to help get detained practitioners released. I was implicated and detained. Since my cultivation was not solid, I was not clear on the Fa's principles and I didn’t know how to negate the persecution. I was released one month later after my family used their connections.
I studied the Fa and sent forth righteous thoughts a lot after I was released. I reinforced my main consciousness and righteous thoughts. I hired a lawyer for my husband’s case. In the process of rescuing my husband, I gradually let go of fear and negated the persecution. I wrote letters and clarified the facts to the relevant officers in the legal departments. I became increasingly clear on the Fa's principles and my righteous thoughts became stronger. As I gradually matured in cultivation the other practitioners praised and encouraged me.
Even though I did a lot in the process of rescuing my husband I was still behind in personal cultivation. Unconsciously I developed an attachment to thinking I was correct and attachments to showing off and zealotry.
My Lack of Compassion Leads to Trouble
After my husband came home, instead of being compassionate I pointed out his shortcomings and the reason he was detained. I thought I needed to help him improve. I thought my pointing out his shortcomings was for his benefit and I was being responsible to him. I blamed him for his fear and accepting the persecution. I belittled and looked down on him and thought I was clearer on the Fa's principles and had cultivated better than him.
He couldn't accept what I said and thought I should be pleased that he got out alive. He asked me to show him the teachings to back up my accusations. Every conversation ended up as a confrontation and we argued constantly.
The old forces took advantage of my loopholes and I was reported to the police when I distributed fliers in a market. I was arrested and taken to a detention center.
While I was detained, I looked within and reviewed my cultivation. I'd been busy doing Dafa work. My mind wasn't focused when I studied the Fa and didn’t behave according to the Fa's principles. I still had many attachments such as jealousy, lust, showing off, liking to hear praise, and seeking comfort. I wasn't kind to my family members or other practitioners. I told myself that I must cultivate myself after I was released.
One year later I was released.
Time for A Change
After I returned home, I tried to look within whenever I had a conflict with my husband. Our relationship improved a bit but didn’t change fundamentally. Something was stopping me from truly cultivating myself.
I had just learned to drive and my husband and I drove to a practitioner’s home to study the Fa. My husband sat in the front passenger seat and kept giving me instructions. He vehemently complained if I didn’t do as he said. While we argued I nearly hit another car. Then, I drove through a red light. My husband asked me why I didn’t want to change myself at all.
His words really hit me. He was right! I wanted to change other people but not myself.
Family is a good environment for cultivation. I'd missed so many opportunities to cultivate myself! I treated these opportunities with a human mindset and complained if I thought I was treated unfairly. I decided to change myself. At that moment my heart and body felt light!
It was truly as Master said,
“And human notions change,The degenerate things purged,Brightness now shines forth.”(Born Anew, Hong Yin)
When I got rid of my notions, everything became easy. In the past, I complained that my husband waited for me to cook even though I came home late. When I pointed this out, he said that he didn’t know what time he should start. We argued over trivial things. Now I regarded every annoyance as a cultivation opportunity. My husband changed as well. He was more tolerant of me and didn’t criticize me as much. When conflicts appeared, both of us immediately realized we should look within. We could talk peacefully and our relationship became harmonious.
One day we argued about how to deal with a book a practitioner gave my husband. I thought he should throw it away but my husband wanted to take it to his workplace. We argued for some time. He became emotional and I cried.
After I calmed down, I realized that my notions were acting up again. I wanted to force him to do what I thought was right. I didn’t cultivate myself, and instead, I was helping him cultivate.
I sent him a text message and apologized. He replied that he threw the book away. This incident helped me eliminate one of my big problems, that I never admitted that I was wrong and I never apologized.
Thank you Master for awakening me and showing me what cultivation is. I will try my best to let go of my attachments and do Dafa work with a pure heart to honor Master’s saving grace.