Searching Inward After Being Harassed for a Long Time
(Minghui.org) I have frequently been harassed, arrested, and had my home ransacked by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) for years. I recently searched inward and discovered the reason.
The first thing I noticed was my competitive mentality.
The community staff members often came by to check on us. We did not argue with them if they were able to accept our explanation about Falun Dafa and the persecution, but some of them refused to listen. My mother would quarrel loudly until they shut up. When this happened, we always thought they understood her.
Some staff members just wanted to earn a living and were not going to do anything to us. But my mother would refute everything they said, even when they didn’t want to listen to her. She wanted to change their minds in a forceful way. Not only was it ineffective, it created unintended damage and consequences.
The community authorities treated us as the main target. After every confrontation my mother became afraid, but she could not control herself and ended up having a nervous breakdown.
Some practitioners were able to clarify the truth calmly under similar circumstances. They did not fight or argue, instead they calmly and persistently explained the true situation. Consequently, they were not harassed as much.
“This indicates that it’s time for them to stop being competitive. But if they can’t, and keep acting like that, then things may drag on for a long time, perhaps for years, while they are stuck at that stage. All of the nightly combat will leave them exhausted, with so much energy having been spent, and they will be too physically tired for spiritual practice. It could even ruin their bodies if they don’t handle it right.” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
Identifying My Fear
The second thing I discovered was my attachment to fear. The constant visits by the community staff members made my mother anxious and afraid. She was consumed by fear, and would say things like—it’s cloudy today, so there are more bad elements; there is a water leak so I must have loopholes; my eyelid is twitching so bad things are going to happen; if Master’s photo is smiling then it is safe, if not, then there will be danger.
She was afraid that she could be persecuted anytime, and her thoughts always revolved around being persecuted.
Words spoken by practitioners carry a certain amount of energy. I tried my best to reject my mother’s words, but I could not. I started to accept her ideas after a while. All kinds of thoughts about different forms of persecution began to form in my mind, and I could not get rid of or suppress them. They began to take shape and became images and stories, as if they were about to happen.
I was controlled by fear. It prevented me from stepping out of the house when I thought I should. All kinds of worries filled my mind as soon as I left the house.
Strangely enough, when something really happened I was not afraid. So wasn’t I asking to be persecuted? This made me realize that being afraid was irrational. I was exhausted after a while and felt that I could no longer practice.
“It is a terribly serious problem. It’s not akin to other problems, like failing to pass a single test of character; in those cases you can always get back up after a fall and keep on practicing. But someone who allows his mind to lead him astray is in serious trouble, and may be destroyed by this.” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I recognized that “fear” was not the real me. When I separated the “fear” from myself and sent righteous thoughts to eliminate it, I saw a “being” who looked exactly like me. That “being” was trembling non-stop, and it was a dark matter. When it got inside me, I started to tremble with it, and I felt cold.
The “being” was able to control my thoughts. When I understood that all the worries were not from me, but from that fear “entity,” I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate them. Although I was not able to get rid of them all at once, I felt better as soon as I was able to distinguish myself from them. They began to lose their effect on me.
These are the attachments I have found at present. Because I have not eliminated my competitive mentality, the authorities keep coming to look for a fight. Moreover, the substance of “fear” has created thought karma and illusions that make me anxious.
Now when my mind starts to wander, I tell myself that “I will be fine.” When “fear” begins to control my body, I use righteous thoughts to guide my thoughts and actions. It is easier to remove “fear” once it becomes weaker.