Looking Within After a Conflict
(Minghui.org) Upon arriving at my Fa-study group one day, I saw only one practitioner there. I thought it was a bit strange, so I asked the homeowner, Mr. Chen, who is also the person in charge of the study group, “Haven't any other people come yet?”
“This Fa-study group was canceled,” he replied.
I was caught off guard and quickly asked,“Who said to cancel it?”
“You,” he replied.
I was perplexed, and asked him, “When did I say that?”
“Didn't you say that it's not safe anymore because more and more people were coming here to study the Fa?” he challenged.
“But I didn't ask you to cancel the group. I was thinking that as a place that stores truth-clarification materials, there shouldn't be too many people. We must pay attention to safety, you know,” I explained.
“How could I decide which people to keep and which to send away? So I just canceled it,” he said. Then he wrapped up our conversation.
The week before, after we finished reading, someone took out his cell phone and showed us pictures of young practitioners doing the exercises. We praised the young people in the photos and passed the phone around. Only on my way home did I realize that something was amiss. How could someone bring their cell phone to the Fa-study group? Plus, no one knew beforehand that he would bring it. Master told us that no matter whether one's cell phone is turned on or not, it could be used as a listening device. Having a phone at Fa-study was no way to be secure.
Then I talked about the changes that had happened in our Fa-study group since last year and suggested we split the group into smaller ones. Only Ms. Liu and Mr. Chen were left in our group.
After Mr. Chen invited me to study the Fa with them, more and more practitioners joined our group. They came and went as they pleased. If we had known this was going to happen, we would not have bothered to transfer people to other groups back then. All these changes were made for the safety of our Fa-study group.
I had to leave a bit early that day. I didn't expect that after I left, what I said would make Mr. Chen decide to immediately cancel the Fa-study group.
After learning what had happened, I started to get a headache, and my heart ached. I felt that I had done something wrong. Moreover, I had let Ms. Liu down. I felt sorry that she didn't have a place to study with others. I also felt that the gap between Mr. Chen and me had widened. I quickly asked him, “What about Ms. Liu?”
“She studies the Fa with Ms. Ye. It's fine to have them study together,” he said.
“I must find her and apologize,” I said.
“You don't have to see her,” He replied. “It's not good for you to go all over the place.”
I was shocked at what he said and responded, “But I never did that.”
Knowing that he was going to Ms. Liu's home to study the Fa, I thought he might be afraid that I'd affect them if I showed up. When I asked him how to contact him if I needed him, he suggested that I go through Ms. Ye. Upon hearing this, I felt I was stuck and unable to make a breakthrough on this issue.
I was surprised that I was in this situation. Master asked us to look within when we run into conflict. I felt that I must have a xinxing issue. After I calmed down and began to look within, I carefully replayed what was said two weeks ago. I realized that my tone had been aggressive. I clearly saw how I had been showing off with my speech and resentful in my attitude. I didn't cultivate my speech or care about other people's feelings.
I was pointing my finger at other practitioners for not paying enough attention to safety and kept blaming Mr. Chen for not treating the issue seriously enough, which hurt his feelings. I felt deep regret. We cultivate Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance–where was my compassion, let alone forbearance? It was my fault that I was in this situation. I felt truly sorry for the other practitioners.
Of the many instances of practitioners being persecuted by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), many were due to practitioners not paying enough attention to safety.
We drew serious lessons from these cases, but practitioners still often overlooked safety issues. Paying attention to safety is a good thing that is required by Master. I stressed the importance of this issue, but my tone was one of aggression, superiority, and complaint. I did not pay attention to cultivating speech, care about other people's feelings, or pay attention to effective communication. I kept blaming other practitioners instead, which caused them to resent me.
Thinking back over the past few decades, I had been immersed in Communist Party culture. Because I was poisoned by this culture and had been in business for a long time, I was used to being my own boss. I had developed a big ego and wouldn't give in during an argument.
When I ran into a conflict, my first thought was to protect myself, which was, of course, selfish. I also saw in myself ugly character traits such as jealousy, competitiveness, complaining about or criticizing others, showing off, and having a bad temper.
Having developed such a big ego, I was far from being considerate of others. No wonder I had trouble developing compassion.
On the surface, it seemed as if I was really concerned about the material production center as well as practitioners' safety, yet deep down, I was also afraid that if something bad happened to this site, it would affect me. My motive was impure. I was looking out for myself. No wonder other practitioners didn't like what I said.
We all know that in cultivation, one is required to let go of one's self, have compassion arise, and thus cultivate into an altruistic being. But in my case, my ego interfered with my cultivation.
Master used all kinds of means to expose my attachments. Though I didn't always get Master's hints, under the guidance of Dafa, I have changed from someone who always looked outward to gradually looking inward for the cause of my problems.
My ego was just like an onion being peeled layer by layer, and my selfishness was also eliminated layer by layer. However, I still felt that cultivation was very painful.
I sometimes envied those practitioners who had fewer attachments than I did, as I often encountered difficulties in cultivation resulting from my numerous attachments. This also required more painstaking effort from Master. However, I truly believe that no matter how hard one's cultivation is,
“With Master and the Way by my side, what is there to fear?” (Fa-Teaching Given at the Conference in Sydney)
Under Master's careful protection and the guidance of Dafa, I went from someone not clear on how to cultivate, to knowing how to cultivate on the path of altruism. When attachments flared up, I became determined to catch them and eliminate them instead of letting them slip by unfettered.
With Master's assistance, I met with Mr. Chen at Ms. Liu's house. After reading together, I talked frankly about my feelings. Mr. Chen also pointed out his attachments, such as saving face, protecting himself, fear, and not being tolerant enough.
With a changed attitude, Mr. Chen made arrangements for the Fa-study group. Now, we are able to share understandings in a harmonious and friendly atmosphere, and our xinxing keeps elevating.
I'd like to thank Master for his benevolent saving grace. We will treasure this sacred opportunity, keep looking inward, cultivate ourselves diligently and collectively, and repay Master's benevolence.