Letting Go of Deep-Seated Jealousy that Blocked Me from Cultivating Diligently
(Minghui.org) I started practicing Falun Gong (also called Falun Dafa) in 1995, after which I was involved in many different Dafa activities and projects. I went astray and then came back to the cultivation path. I clarified the truth about Dafa, and resisted the persecution. I quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), and then did Fa-rectification cultivation.
At times the pace of my cultivation seemed very slow, and I could not see the end, while at other times I felt that time was running away from me. It was as if I had heard Master's Fa only a day ago, but 24 years had already gone by.
In a dream, fellow practitioners and I went to the airport to welcome Master on his return to China. I was very excited, but at the same time ashamed, because I knew I hadn't cultivated diligently, which made me wonder how I could face Master.
No matter my past, I must be thankful that the Fa-rectification hasn't come to an end. I hope that this sharing will expose my attachments, will be instrumental in my becoming diligent, and will allow me to walk well the remaining path.
Blocked from True Cultivation
I found I had a strong attachment to jealousy in 2003, which affected my life negatively. I had just graduated from university, and became friends with a colleague who joined my workplace eight months after I did. We did everything together.
Not long after, she became my superior. I felt uncomfortable about it, started to resent her, and talked about her behind her back. She didn't react, was very kind and never complained about others even when she was wronged.
I felt deeply ashamed in comparison: How could I become like this? I wasn't even as good as a person who was not a practitioner. Because of jealousy, I found it hard to communicate with her the way I used to.
I started to deal with my jealousy and tried to let go of it. Whenever I noticed my jealousy or feelings of resentment, I would suppress it, thinking: “This is not me. The true me is not like this.” It took two months to let go of my jealous thoughts, after which I could communicate freely with this colleague again.
I was quite pleased with having let go of my attachment of jealousy. When I ran into conflicts I could look within without having to deal with jealousy. But, I found that I still had a hidden, deep-seated jealousy after some time.
Due to work-related arrangements, I couldn't see this colleague as often, but everyone knew we were good friends. We kept in contact whenever we happened to be in the same city, and we also visited each other regularly.
To my chagrin, this friend refused to quit the CCP, and I could not figure out her attitude toward Dafa. Yet, she was a kindhearted person, and much better than I at cultivation of speech.
Due to my being unkind on one occasion, she got really upset and said emotionally that she would never practice Falun Gong. Then we lost contact.
Eight years passed and I had changed jobs. I was frustrated, as I was never promoted, despite being a capable employee. However, my direct superiors did not speak highly of me.
Although I looked within, I could not find my true attachment. In the end, I thought that it was because of people's jealousy of me, and the best I could do was to forebear. Given this thought, I was unable to tell my coworkers about Dafa.
Then, one day I realized that my jealous mindset had become a huge mountain that blocked me from true cultivation.
I used to think that as long as I could get along with people without feeling too upset because of jealousy, then I must have done pretty well in abandoning the attachment.
Then, when I looked within, I realized that my attachment to jealousy was still strong. I felt unhappy when others gained something. In addition, I also held bad thoughts when things did not go my way.
Jealousy stopped me from truly understanding the intent of the Fa. If something went amiss in another person's life, I would tell myself that it was because they didn't listen to me when I asked that they quit the CCP.
“A wicked person is born of jealousy.Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion.With no discontentment or hatred, he takes hardship as joy.” (“Realms, Essentials for Further Advancement)
Unstable Cultivation State
I often feel frustrated: Why can't I develop compassion? Without compassion, one cannot maintain a diligent state of mind. Even though I was doing the three things, I was in a very unstable state.
I now understand that one cannot develop compassion while still holding onto a jealous mindset, which goes directly against the characteristic of the universe. With such a mindset, how can things go smoothly when we try to help people quit the CCP? I always felt it difficult to elevate in cultivation and to go forward; instead, I felt that I was going backwards. The reason is that I had not cultivated well, and was therefore restrained by the characteristic of the universe.
I didn't hold much respect towards the leaders in my company and always paid attention to their shortcomings, thinking that they were narrow-minded and couldn't tolerate anyone who was better than them. As time went on, I just did things my own way and kept others at arm's length.
I felt quite happy when they ran into trouble, hoping that they would soon be replaced. When people were rewarded at work, I felt annoyed, thinking that our boss had a problem in judging people.
Competitive and Show Off Mentality
I always hoped that I would tell my colleagues about Dafa, and sent forth righteous thoughts numerous times to help me fulfill my wish, but with very little success. Contrary to my wish, my company even established a “CCP Committee.”
I thought I had let go of the attachment of fame and personal gain, but I couldn't help thinking about fame and gain when I saw that my superiors were not good enough by my standards. I thought I had abandoned my competitive mentality, but when my superiors thought I was unable to do something, I worked hard to prove that I could do it well and that they were wrong. Apart from a competitive mentality, I also had an attachment to showing off.
“In Canonization of the Gods, Shen Gongbao thinks that Jiang Ziya is old and inept. Yet Honorable Divine of the Origin asks Jiang Ziya to grant titles to the Gods. Then Shen Gongbao thinks it’s unfair, and he can’t come to terms with it. 'Why was he asked to grant titles to the Gods? See how powerful I, Shen Gongbao, am—I can put my head back on my shoulders after it’s cut off. Why wasn’t I asked to grant titles to the Gods?'” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I tried to show people that I'm quite capable; I can do well while you cannot, yet you try to tell me what to do?
In the past, when I read the above paragraph of the Fa, I didn't quite understand why Master was giving us this example. Now I understand that thinking oneself better than others is comparing oneself with others, which also is the attachments of competitiveness and jealousy.
Misreading Others' Intentions
Things at work were not going that smoothly, and I always thought that it was because others were jealous of my abilities. In fact, it was my jealousy that caused the trouble.
Master told us,
“...when two people have a conflict and a third person sees it, even that third person should think about whether there are any problems on his part—'Why did I happen to see it?' This is all the more so for the two people involved in the conflict. They should examine themselves even more, since they need to cultivate themselves internally.” (Teaching the Fa at the Eastern U.S. Fa Conference)
Master's Fa taught me that when we see an attachment in others, we in fact also hold such an attachment. Master has given me hints again and again through the behavior of people around me, to help me enlighten to different Fa principles, but I failed to see my problems and thought that others were being jealous of me. What's worse, I got stuck in my situation for a long time and took a passive attitude, mistakenly thinking I was being tolerant.
Master gave me a hint in one of my dreams. I felt jealous when seeing my sister wearing a beautiful skirt. I was a totally different person in my dream. From the dream I realized that my jealousy was deeply hidden in another dimension, emitting black substances. This jealous mindset affects every aspect of my cultivation and my efforts in doing the three things.
I asked myself: “Those people need you to save them, and yet you are jealous of them. How can you possibly save them?” I realized that my deeply hidden jealous mindset had for a long time blocked me on my cultivation path.
Making Headway in Letting Go of Jealousy
It took me a month to mentally prepare me for this sharing and another half-a-month to write it up. In the process, I felt deeply that what I thought about was quite different to what I had written, and the writing process was like pulling teeth, and many things that I had not realized became clear to me.
When I became clear-headed, bad substances in other dimensions were eliminated. I no longer hold a resentment as I used to. and whenever I feel jealous, I negate it immediately.
By the time I finished writing this sharing, I no longer held any negative thoughts about my superiors, and their attitude towards me also changed. My environment has turned for the better as I improve my xinxing.