Looking Inward about My Frustration with My Son Led to a New Understanding
(Minghui.org) Since I gave birth to my son in 2003, I played Master’s lectures and Dafa music to him every single day hoping he would become a young practitioner soon.
However, as he was growing up, I found the distance between us was increasing. For example, I hoped he would have good habits, so I repeatedly taught him the sense of propriety in every aspect of life, such as eating and keeping clean. However, he could never do it well and often made a mess.
While in daycare and elementary school, he often came home bruised, but would never tell me what happened. One day, the teacher called my husband to come and apologized to him, because earlier, our son had been stepped on and beaten by more than 10 kids in the physical education class. Seeing bruises and scratches all over his back, I cried. But he still would not tell me anything.
When he was supposed to do homework, he would be playing secretly, and spend a very long time, even an entire day, to get his homework done. When he couldn’t finish, he would make a big fuss, because he was afraid the teacher would punish him.
When I caught him lying or doing bad things, I would scold him and even spank him, but he never admitted his wrongdoings, and would instead lie on the floor crying loudly.
I was exhausted with him. My temperament went downhill, and so did my health. One day, he told me, “I am very scared when I’m with you alone. I feel much better as soon as dad comes home.” I was deeply offended and thought, “Your dad is so busy and rarely takes care of you. I’m exhausted looking after you and this is how you thank me.”
“There’s another very serious problem. I told them as early as when I started this undertaking that no beings could save today’s people, that no Fa could save today’s beings, and that no one could change today’s people. What did I mean by that? I’ll tell you. Today’s people can’t perceive their own warped thinking because the very nature of people has changed. No matter what cultivation way is adopted, you can only change what they can be aware of, but not what’s warped in their very nature. That’s why after this one year plus, no matter what methods they used and however cruel they were, they were unable to change the students’ fundamental issues and didn’t achieve their purpose in the end. In order to have the students meet the standards—to meet their requirements—they used those evil beings to brutally beat students. When they exhausted the most vicious means and still couldn’t achieve their goal, they became flustered and exasperated, and went against our students even more viciously. In the end, even though they couldn’t achieve their goal, they said that they’d tried their best. How evil! Yet the layers upon layers of beings in the immense cosmos can’t perceive the evilness of all these evils taking place. This is because all beings have been warping.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Great Lakes Fa Conference in North America,” Guiding the Voyage)
When I studied this Fa, I suddenly realized that, I had been trying to shape my son to my liking and demand that he follow my standards, and if he failed, I would punish him and spank him. Wasn’t I the same as the old forces? How could my son become good?
One night, I had a very clear dream: In one life time, I killed a person, and the person was my son in this life time. I woke up frightened with a cold sweat.
I had always been regarding myself as his mother and believing that children should obey and honor their parents. I had not genuinely looked inside from the perspective of cultivation. I had not looked for my own shortcomings to break through the human notions, and break through the notions about my human role.
Master taught us,
“Indeed, the conflicts and tensions that you encounter or whatever it may be are all meant to test your mind, and to see: Can you handle it in a manner befitting a cultivator? Is how you handle it worthy of a Dafa disciple? That’s what cultivation is, isn’t it? Could ordinary people handle things this way, or see things this way? When you meet with a conflict, it doesn’t matter whether you are in the right. You should be asking yourself, “What on my part isn’t right in this situation? Might it really be that there is something wrong on my part?” You should all be thinking this way, with your first thought being to scrutinize yourself to try to find the problem. Whoever is not like this is not in fact a true cultivator of Dafa. It is a magical tool in our cultivation. This is a distinguishing feature of our Dafa disciples’ cultivation.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XI)
Upon studying this passage of the Fa, I came to understand that, in raising children, one should look inside as soon as conflicts arise. When one sees the child’s shortcomings, one should bear compassion and guide the child or give suggestions, instead of making the child do things to conform to one’s conventional mentalities.
I also realized that one cannot remain stuck in the parent role, which in a sense is nothing but maximally conforming to the human state. As a cultivator, one cannot be trapped in any human role, and can only constantly rectify oneself in the Fa.
Quickly, the conflict between my son and I was dissolving. With constant Fa study, my son has gradually removed his bad thoughts and bad habits. He started sharing understandings and discussing issues with me, and can accept some of my suggestions. In daily life, he has started sharing some of the house work and caring about me.
My son is in the so-called adolescence rebellion period, but people often praise him for respecting parents and elders, helping others, and being a positive teenager. He has displayed a completely different spirit from his peers.
This is Dafa’s mighty power--it has the power to correct any incorrect state in troubled times and changes a person’s heart fundamentally. This is Master’s compassion--it guides a disciple to raise his or her xinxing while removing the disciple’s lifetime upon lifetime of karma, and resolves all deep resentments.