China Fahui ｜Letting Go of Sentimentality and Becoming Mature (Part I)
(Minghui.org) I have gone through many ups and downs in cultivation since I started to practice Falun Dafa twenty years ago. Looking back, I know that everything was arranged by Master and He protected me every step of the way. He enabled me to steadily walk my cultivation path. Thank you Master for your boundless saving grace!
Letting Go of Sentimentality and Cultivating Myself Solidly
I started to practice Falun Dafa in 1999. Throughout my cultivation journey, I have constantly let go of sentimentality.
I was reported to the police when I was distributing truth-clarification materials with my mother in 2003. Police from the State Security Division and officers from the 610 Office arrested us. They asked us where our materials came from. My mother and I did not answer. They said that they would release us if we told them where we got the materials. I was determined not to betray other practitioners. I refused to cooperate.
I was illegally detained and taken to a detention center. My child was less than two years old. I missed him terribly and felt like I heard him crying and asking for his mother. I wrote a letter to the police (I didn’t know how to clarify the truth then) and told them how much I missed my son and that I hoped I would be released. I handed them my letter when they came to interrogate me. They were sympathetic and I was released after 37 days. My mother, however, was sentenced to forced labor for one and a half years.
The day after I was released, a police officer phoned and told me to come to see my mother. She was to be sentenced to forced labor. I later learned that a police car was waiting for me at the station. My husband and I immediately left for the station. My stomach started to ache shortly after I left home. I thought: I could see my mother another time. I decided not to go and asked my husband to tell the police. Thanks to Master’s protection, I didn’t fall into the police officers' trap. I later heard that I had also been sentenced to forced labor and the verdict had been sent to the labor camp.
The Persecution Begins
Our lives changed dramatically. The evil elements were everywhere. People distanced themselves from practitioners. Pressure from my workplace, friends, relatives and my neighbors came one after another. They didn’t understand why we were being persecuted and bad mouthed me. My husband began changing. He couldn’t bear the intense pressure even though he knew that Dafa was great. He became agitated and worried.
My husband dated me for ten years before we got married. I was a country girl and very traditional. I would not get married until I found a trustworthy person with whom I could live my whole life. I was very thin and in bad health before I started to practice Falun Dafa. I became illness-free after I practiced Dafa and he supported me fully. However, he couldn’t cope with the sudden pressure and the persecution. His good friends who were government officials scolded him and said that no one could withstand the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). My once kind husband became difficult and cold. He was against everything I did and was not happy with me at all.
I had just begun practicing when the persecution began. I barely knew what it meant to cultivate myself. I began practicing in 1999; then I got married and had a child. We just bought an apartment and I was busy renovating it. I had so many attachments! The old forces could not wait to test me. With the changes in my husband, the burden of a new baby, the pressure of the persecution plus a full-time job, I lost confidence and courage. But luckily Master arranged other practitioners to help me and encourage me. They urged me to cultivate solidly and do the three things well. I gradually returned to my normal cultivation state. I came to understand the following Fa.
“Nowadays people consider emotion really important, yet emotion is one of the most unreliable things. "When you're nice to me I'm happy, and when you're no longer nice to me the feeling is gone." Then how could you count on that thing?” (Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students, Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. VI)
Our local practitioner who was in charge of the materials production site was arrested in 2004. I took over the job. I was tracked down by the police through other practitioners’ mobile phones and I was arrested. That night I threw away my mobile phone to avoid other practitioners being tracked by the police through their numbers on my phone. I also discarded the key to the materials production room and the invoice from purchasing printers. When the police body-searched me they found nothing.
I felt dizzy and fainted. I was sent to the hospital by ambulance. I didn’t follow the doctors’ instructions. I requested that my husband come to see me. The hospital beds were pretty full. So I lay in a mobile bed in the corridor. I lay in the bed with my eyes closed and didn’t eat for 24 hours. I didn’t speak either. My husband had to help me go to the toilet. Since I was there for a while a policewoman came to watch me. My husband asked her to leave.
I kept sending righteous thoughts. I was trying to recall Master’s image when I suddenly saw Master in front of me, smiling. This renewed my confidence because I realized that Master was protecting me.
The following night I was sent to a detention center. As soon as I entered, I began to have symptoms of epilepsy (I didn’t have epilepsy before). The detention center refused to accept me. I was sent back to the hospital. That night five other practitioners were arrested and the police left and told the doctor to watch me. The following morning I realized that I was not sick, shouldn’t stay in the hospital and that I must leave. While the doctors were there, my husband carried me. I walked myself when there were no doctors. We left the hospital and got into my husband’s car. My husband hesitated to drive home. I realized that he was reluctant to return home because of the pressure he would face. I asked him to drive me to my parent’s home. Soon the police came, and the symptoms of epilepsy re-appeared. They saw this and put me under house surveillance for six months.
During that time eight people constantly monitored me. My neighbors warned me to be careful because the police put their people around me as my neighbors. My husband felt huge pressure because of the misunderstanding from his neighbors, workplace, friends and relatives. He didn’t come home at night and bad mouthed me whenever he was home. The officers from the 610 Office and the community center frequently knocked on my door to talk to me. My son was sick sometimes and didn’t want to sleep and cried. I had to hold him all night. He didn’t eat for 17 days. Interference came one after another. My fear surfaced and intensified each day. My attachment to saving face popped up. I was not able to face the situation with righteous thoughts. I felt huge pressure.
I was not with other practitioners at the time, and my righteous thoughts became weaker and weaker. I could not focus when I studied the Fa. My husband’s boss told him that according to an inside source, I would be sent to a brainwashing center around May 1st, and then sent to a forced labor camp if I didn’t give up Falun Dafa.
I knew that I didn’t have ample righteous thoughts to face this evil.
I told my husband that we wouldn’t cooperate if they came to get me. He said he didn’t want to lose his job. That night I had a dream. I lived in a traditional house with a courtyard. A former Party head's pictures were on every door. The Chinese character for “Party” was written on the bench my husband sat on. I realized that if I was taken away, I may not be able to withstand the persecution due to my lack of righteous thoughts.
A Difficult Decision
I felt that I had to leave home if I wanted to continue practicing. But what about my son? He was only three years old. The persecution was so rampant, when would I be able to return? What about my husband? My job? Where would I go? I deeply pondered these issues. I wrote a letter to my husband and arranged for my son to be taken care of. I told my husband and his mother that it was better if I left home to avoid the persecution because it was not good for anyone if I was imprisoned. Thus I made a difficult decision unwillingly. The third day after I left home, the police handed my sentence of three year’s forced labor to my husband.
After I left home I reflected on what happened. Why did I frequently have interference? The practitioners who shared their experiences on the Minghui website had strong righteous thoughts. Where were my righteous thoughts? Because I didn’t cultivate well I caused my family hardships. I was so sorry for disturbing their peaceful lives. Dafa is great and Master is great. I was determined to cultivate well!
That night I saw Master in my dream. I was a small child and Master was carrying me. I looked up at Master and noticed small wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. I knew that Master was worried about me. After I woke up, I realized that Master had been protecting me and encouraging me. My decision of leaving home was correct.
“I know all of the suffering of my disciples. The truth is, I treasure you more than you treasure yourselves!” (Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s), Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I stayed with a practitioner who was going through a sickness karma tribulation. We studied the Fa and practiced the exercises. After 14 days, I dreamed that I carried a bushel of rice. I could only save one person if I walked the side path but could save many more if I walked the main way. I realized that Master had other arrangements for me. So I left this practitioner and went to another practitioner’s home. When I got there I watched three policemen walk out but I was not afraid. I bent down and pretended to tie my shoe. They didn’t recognize me and left.
My New Path
Through some efforts, I came to another practitioner’s home. He was very busy because he was in charge of making materials for local practitioners. Besides making truth-clarification materials, he had a lot of ordinary work to do. I helped him with cutting and binding. The police had just destroyed a large material production site, so we were short of materials. This practitioner worked hard and had little time to study the Fa. He was also busy with his ordinary work. I had so little self-confidence that I didn’t dare to ask him how to make materials.
One day he had to leave. I wanted to make materials but I had never used a computer before. The computer was in sleep mode. I moved the mouse and the screen opened. I touched something and the screen became black. I was scared but I calmed down.
At first, I didn't know how to handle the mouse. I tried to print a sheet and printed both sides. It was not difficult actually. Master opened up my wisdom. Every step I took was correct. I learned to print word documents and PDF documents. I stayed up until 3 a.m and figured out how to make booklets like the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party and Dafa books
When the practitioner returned the next day, I told him that I had figured out how to make all the materials thanks to Master’s help. He could hardly believe it and called it a miracle. When he had to go out later, he let me take over his job of making materials and he would purchase the supplies.
How Reciting the Teachings Deepened My Cultivation
Thanks to Master’s hints, I started to recite the Fa. I recited one small paragraph at a time, and recited it six times. I spent three hours every day reciting the Fa. I enlightened to the profound meanings of many Fa principles. I cried when I recited the following Fa the second time,
“I think that my time for teaching the Fa has virtually come to a close. Therefore, I want to leave genuine things for everyone so that there is Fa to guide everyone in future cultivation practice.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
I felt Master’s boundless saving grace. The Fa is profound and I only grasped the surface meaning of it before.
I read practitioners’ sharing of articles on the Minghui website every day and read various truth-clarification materials. I experienced fundamental physical and mental changes. I clearly understood that I was a true cultivator and it was my duty and mission to help Master rectify the Fa. All beings existed for the Fa.
There were many materials on the Minghui website, and I must choose the right ones for local people. I categorized them and saved them in my notebook so that I could easily pick out what I needed. I also sent different letters to different people according to their professional backgrounds.
My Family Is Interfered With
After I left home, all my relatives’ phones were monitored. Guards were stationed outside my parents’ home. At the material production site, all doors and windows were shut. I had cultivated solidly for a while and realized that Master would not arrange for me to leave home and wander around. But I could not see any opportunity for me to go home. I felt a bit upset about this.
One day when I opened up the curtain I happened to notice my husband’s car driving by. A strange woman was in it. No wonder my husband asked for a divorce. I felt every joint and every bone in my body throb. I collapsed and lost consciousness.
I came to my senses two hours later. I remembered Master’s Fa,
“If a son disrespects his parents, they will trade places in the next life. This is how it cycles on and on.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
I realized that this was a causal relationship. Non-practitioners live their lives according to the old forces’ arrangements. I told myself that I couldn’t break down. The goal and meaning of my life were completely different from ordinary people's. I was walking the path that Master arranged for me. I am Dafa disciple. My husband’s inappropriate behavior was an illusion.
After I understood the situation from the Fa's principles, I tried to control myself and let go of sentimentality, feeling inferior, jealousy, competitiveness and self-esteem. Gradually I recovered my righteous thoughts. I told the old forces that even if I had omissions, I would rectify them in my cultivation in Dafa and that it had nothing to do with them. I would not agree with the divorce. I had the final say. Dafa practitioners help Master rectify the Fa and we also rectify our own universes.
No matter how my husband behaved, he would not move my heart. It was deplorable that he was so lost. I believed that everything would be harmonized around Dafa. Now he is more supportive of Dafa and his attitude towards me has changed.
My Cultivation Path Takes a New Direction
Within two years I recited Zhuan Falun six times and thus laid a solid cultivation foundation. I realized that in order to keep up with the Fa-rectification process, material production sites should be established everywhere; that clarifying the truth to people personally and persuading them to withdraw from the CCP and its affiliated organizations was the main way of validating the Fa; that I must step out to follow Master’s Fa-rectification process. In this way, I denied the old forces' arrangements.
When I told my mother and other practitioners my thoughts, they had different opinions. They said that the current situation was not good. A notification from my workplace said that I would be fired if I didn’t go back to work within ten days. Several practitioners had been arrested before the opening of the Olympic Games in Beijing. They said that my location mattered little if I could do the three things well and that it was my duty to make materials indoors. It was safe for me.
I felt what they said was somewhat correct. But I was in a dilemma and could not suppress my wish to step out to clarify the truth. I had a dream that night. I flew up in the air, hit the wall with my fist and broke a hole in the wall.
I didn’t know what my dream meant. I wanted to step out to validate the Fa, but I hesitated and had a lot of concerns. One day while I was printing a small pamphlet, an extra paper was stuck and the printer printed on the extra paper and printed several pages afterward. I worried that the pages on the pamphlet might not match. I stopped the printer and checked the pages but the pages were continuous. The printed extra paper was a double page. How was it possible? Was Master giving me a hint that my concerns were not necessary? There shouldn’t be any problem?
I told the practitioners the two hints Master gave to me. One practitioner was willing to help me go out. I went out with her twice a week. We went out in the morning and talked to people and gave out fliers and came back in the evening. I recited the Fa and made materials at home. I felt very fulfilled.
One year later I had a special dream. Dozens of policemen were sitting in front of a supermarket. I ignored them and walked in. The strap of my bag suddenly broke and I wasn't able to re-connect it. I didn’t figure out what the dream meant and felt it might be something important. Whenever I had tribulations, Master gave me hints in my dreams.
One day I clarified the truth to a lady who was the daughter of a policeman. She reported me. They arrested me and other practitioners. Thanks to Master’s strengthening, I was calm. I knew that I was doing the most righteous thing in the universe. No one was qualified to persecute me.
I clarified the truth to the inmates at the detention center. Every one of them agreed to withdraw from the CCP. The police said that I would be given a heavy sentence because they searched everywhere, even going to Beijing to look for me. I didn’t believe him because Master had the final say.
When the police came to interrogate me, I developed symptoms of severe potassium deficiency and heart problems. It looked like my life was in danger. They had no choice but to release me. They made my husband sign a guarantee statement that he would be fined 40,000 yuan if I caused problems again in the future. Three days later I was released and my life of displacement was ended.