When Letting Go of Notions, Resentments Disappear
(Minghui.org) I noticed that my cultivation state had not been so steady lately. My mind wandered when I read Master's teachings, and I found it difficult to recite the Fa. It was also not easy to talk to people about the persecution of Falun Gong. Some cursed at me, some threatened to report me to the authorities, and some walked away as soon as I opened my mouth. At home, whenever I turned the light on, there was a short in the electrical wiring and the lights didn't work. I realized that I had major loopholes, so I searched within but could not find anything.
When my husband lost his temper because he could not find his shaver, he yelled at me. I got irritated and angry immediately but remembered that I was a cultivator and had to forbear, so I did not respond in kind. He then demanded that I wash his clothes, and I almost responded with sarcastic remarks – but I stopped myself. He was helping me improve my xinxing.
I know that I don't cultivate well when it comes to forbearance. These incidents helped me to improve my xinxing. Yet, even though I understood the principle, it was still difficult to endure. While doing my husband's laundry, tears covered my face.
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren) from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I realized that I had not really cultivated forbearance. I only let go of my attachments superficially; otherwise, I would be smiling. But I felt much calmer when reciting Master's Fa.
But, all sorts of thoughts resurfaced the next day. I remembered everything that my husband had done wrong over the years. So, I decided to talk to him. I first said that whatever I had to say was to help him, as I did not like to see him suffer. I told him that he needed to pay attention to his behavior, or he would accumulate karma.
I told my husband that I did my best and was devoted to him and his family. I told him that he'd hurt me deeply, and asked him to apologize. He did, but I did not truly accept his apology.
When I had calmed down the next day, I searched within. I felt that my actions the day before were not quite right. On the surface I did it for my husband's sake, but deep down, I used the opportunity to spill out my resentment and grievances. I did not do it for him but for me, for my selfish heart. I was not kind, I was insincere. I could not believe that I had such a cunning mentality! This was not what I wanted. I needed to be truthful to myself.
After this realization, the grievances from the depths of my heart disappeared. In the past, I only forbore with tears in my eyes; this time my xinxing had truly elevated and Master helped me get rid of the grievances completely.
Then, I realized that the old forces and the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) spread resentments and grievances to everyone. They made people struggle against each other and accumulate enormous karma in order to destroy humankind. A non-practitioner might not be aware of it, but practitioners need to be clear about this and not let the old forces take advantage of our loopholes.
This insight helped me understand that I had to continue looking within. Besides my husband, I also thought of any resentments I held towards my family members, friends and co-workers.
I realized that I had resentments towards many people. One person, whom I'd helped when she was experiencing severe personal problems, had cut off our relationship after the problems were resolved. And, she harbored resentment toward me and damaged my reputation.
I am a cultivator; I must rectify this rift. How can I resent people? These were all attachments that I needed to get rid of. These people were actually helping me cultivate, causing me to look within and helping me change my human notions.
Thus, I will measure myself against the standards of Falun Gong, look for others' good points and look for my shortcomings. After I had that thought, all my resentments against others disappeared and even my way of viewing others changed.
I am deeply grateful for this opportunity to elevate my xinxing, and I feel renewed. Whatever others have done is actually a stepping stone for me to improve.