Cultivating My Heart and Looking Inside
(Minghui.org) I returned to cultivate in Falun Dafa in 2012. Half a year later, the coordinator decided to establish a materials production site, and the group picked me to be in charge of it.
Operating a Materials Production Site
The first notion I had to break through was avoiding computers. A technical savvy practitioner came to my home about five times to teach me how to use a computer, and I took several pages of notes. I thought I had learned how to use it, but as soon as the practitioner left, problems arose and I could not find a solution in my notes.
Practitioners had to leave empty-handed after Fa study, as I had not prepared any materials, so I felt guilty and anxious.
The most troublesome problem was multiple pages clinging to one another when printing. The loss would be heavy if not discovered in time, and it happened quite a few times. I felt extremely sad holding a stack of wasted paper in my hand.
They were meant to become Dafa truth-clarification materials, but now, they turned into a pile of wasted paper and ink. I could have avoided it by being diligent and attentive. Once I recognized my attachment, I became attentive.
The process of printing truth-clarification materials was a process of cultivation. While clearing a clogged print head, I had to ask myself if I had understood or done something wrong. When fixing a paper jam, I looked inside for why I was in a hurry. I could always find the shortcomings in my cultivation.
I also understood the importance of Fa study as it relates to material making. When I studied the Fa well, I experienced great efficiency, and the materials were beautiful. I never slacked off in Fa study.
Attachment to Jealousy
Practitioner Ms Mei [alias] used to be in charge of materials. When she learned that I was producing materials she was not happy. If there weren't enough materials, she took them all and when there were too many, she took just a few or none at all.
Sometimes she failed to show up at an agreed time to pick up materials. She complained that big pamphlets were too difficult to distribute, whereas small pamphlets were not rich enough in content.
Every time we met at the group Fa study, she would give me some “instructions.” Other practitioners believed that she had the attachment to jealousy, and so did I.
I decided to share my understandings with her, and used the Fa principles to justify my feelings and enumerated her shortcomings. Upon returning home, I was quite complacent for the “stick warning” I gave her.
“If you don’t have an attachment, it will be like a breeze passing over you—you won’t feel a thing.”(“Fa Teaching Given at the 2014 San Francisco Fa Conference”)
Master's Fa made me rethink the issue and I looked inside. I found the attachment to jealousy, competition and self-righteousness. I thought I had a good personality, was sociable and pretty detached, and I used to think that Master was talking about someone else. Therefore it never occurred to me that I also had that attachment.
Ms. Mei's attachment to jealousy was plain and obvious and could be detected right away, but my attachment to jealousy was cunning and hidden. Not only did I fail to detect it, but other practitioners did as well.
I should really thank Ms. Mei for helping me find my attachment. When my attachment to jealousy was weakened, her comments became less and we cherished each other more.
Letting Go of Sentiment and Lust
The materials-production site was in a practitioner couple's home, and I spent a lot of time at their home. My husband and I had separated because I filed criminal complaints against Jiang Zemin, the former head of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), for initiating the persecution of Falun Dafa in 1999.
My husband was afraid of being implicated, and so I moved out with my child and lived in a rental home. The practitioner couple was very sympathetic toward me. I developed a delusion, and gradually I became emotionally dependent on the couple.
After Ms. Bai, the wife asked me to help her husband improve in his cultivation by reading more of the Fa, he and I began to spend more time together. We developed a good rapport that deepened over time.
When we got quite chummy, his wife heard us laugh and said that he would pick me up at my home. She had a temper tantrum a few days later, for something very small. She mentioned what she had overheard and I felt shocked and deeply humiliated. I told her that they were older than my parents, so how could she suspect such a filthy thing.
After group Fa study, Ms. Bai refused to share her understandings, and her husband complained about my sudden change in attitude.
The coordinator asked me what happened and said, “In a dream, I saw you pacing on a ridge and you wouldn't answer when I called. I was wondering what you were doing. So I came to make sure you're okay.”
After I returned home I started to rationalize as to what had happened. My ideals about life had always been “being loved by parents,” “harmony between husband and wife,” and an “inseparable couple.” But in reality, I had been leading a harsh and lonely life.
It wasn't until I read Minghui articles that I came to understand that having a good feeling for younger and older people is a manifestation of lust.
In the past, I would never have agreed with the articles and would have thought the authors had deviated in their understanding of the Fa. I now realized I had never cultivated regarding this aspect and had even indulged in my attachment.
“Whenever a tribulation comes, you do not see it with the side of your original nature but view it completely with your human side. Evil demons then capitalize on this point and inflict endless interference and damage, leaving students in long-term tribulations.” (“Expounding on the Fa” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Master did not just warn others, but also me. I was still looking outward.
I apologized to Ms. Bain and her husband and shared my understandings with the coordinator. The couple also realized their shortcomings after sharing their understandings with the coordinator.
We worked together again to make truth-clarification materials and distribute them. We regarded ourselves as Dafa practitioners and we looked inside whenever problems arose.