Finding My Arrogance
(Minghui.org) I am a veteran Falun Dafa practitioner who has been practicing for 20 years. Recently, I read another practitioner's experience sharing article about the characteristics of arrogance. I recognized that I, too, was arrogant, but I just thought that it manifested in my looking down on others. The book How the Specter of Communism Is Ruling Our World mentions that arrogance is a characteristic of the devil. So, I felt that I should really try to eliminate my arrogance.
One month later, I had some conflicts with fellow practitioners. The root cause was my arrogance. I was surprised to find that the way I treated fellow practitioners and others had always been the same. In fact, my impatience had gotten even stronger. I calmed down and thought about this.
Looking back over my 20 years of cultivation, I realized that arrogance was hidden deep inside my notions, which controlled how I treated others.
When I first started practicing Dafa in 1998, I was a relatively young Dafa disciple in our area. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began its full-scale persecution in 1999. We learned to set up some projects to clarify the truth about the persecution of Falun Gong. With Master Li's blessing, I learned some technical skills to produce brochures and other materials. I was also responsible for coordinating projects on a small scale.
Some practitioners did not behave well under the pressure of the persecution. So I started to look down on them. I thought that they should not have made the mistakes they did, which resulted in negative consequences. Some elderly practitioners also suffered from xinxing conflicts and sickness karma. In the beginning, I patiently shared my understandings with them, but later I thought that their thinking had turned rigid with age.
As my arrogant attitude gradually developed, I did not notice it. I forced my ideas on the practitioners experiencing serious tribulations and felt good when my words touched them where it hurt. This was not compassionate. I was influenced by postnatal notions, karma, and the Party culture. My actions aroused a lot of conflicts, but I still felt that I was clear headed with a strong main consciousness, while others were muddled-headed.
Later, some of the practitioners who thought I had cultivated well in the past started to reject me in front of my face and talk about me behind my back. I was so angry when I heard about this that I started blaming them and digging up the past. I insisted on finding out who was in the wrong!
Some of the other practitioners were very embarrassed and disappointed about my forceful attitude. They were confused and felt stuck in the middle of the conflict. There were several incidents like that in the past few years. I did not take these opportunities to improve my xinxing. Instead, I considered my counterparts as demons who were intending to disintegrate our one body of practitioners.
Last year, I began to go out to talk to people about Falun Gong face to face, but the effect was not good. It was difficult to break through this. I also had some physical difficulties, such as getting tired very easily, chest tightness, pain in the limbs, and dizziness. I often spent a lot of time in the restroom. Yet, I still felt that I was better than others. For example, I thought that it was easy for me to get started on an effort, that I was mature, that I had good enlightenment quality, etc.
After reading the article “Humility: A Noble Realm for a Dafa Cultivator,” I saw that I had gone off course for so many years. In fact, how can practitioners in cultivation not make mistakes? What makes me feel so indignant? My emotions and the ways I express myself cannot solve anything; they can only harm others. The practitioners who gave in under the CCP's pressure must be treated according to the Fa, not in accordance with my notions. I should look inward during conflicts, be calm and cultivate myself well.
Master told us:
As a cultivatorOne always looks for one’s own faults’Tis the Way to get rid of attachments most effectivelyThere’s no way to skip ordeals, big or small[During a conflict, if you can remember:]“He’s right,And I’m wrong,”What’s to dispute?(“Who’s Right, Who’s Wrong” from Hong Yin III)
I exposed my attachment today, and hope I can completely eliminate this arrogance. I also apologized to the fellow practitioners who have been hurt by me.