Looking Within Resolved Family Conflicts
(Minghui.org) The power indicator on my printer suddenly stopped working. I did not pay much attention to it and assumed that the printer would work again the following day.
But when it did not, I searched inward. I followed what fellow practitioners had done in such situations, such as send forth righteous thoughts toward the printer and communicate with it. But nothing worked.
A practitioner inspected my printer and saw that the main board and the print head were burnt out. It was not an easy task to repair them. I felt guilty and ashamed, because the problem with the printer represented my poor cultivation state, although I was still not fully aware what my problems were.
An Unrighteous Mind
At our Fa-study group, I came across a practitioner, Zanna, who hoped to set up a Dafa material printing site at her home. She sought my help, so I promised to offer her technical support to set up her printer.
Zanna came to see me after her printer was delivered. However, she needed a lot of training, because she was not computer literate. Just as we were about to begin, my husband, who does not practice Falun Gong, came home. It was lunch time after Zanna left, and my husband shouted, “Who is Zanna? Where is she from? Why did she visit our home? Are you trying to become a key Falun Gong person?”
I figured he was being irrational, and I wanted to get back at him. I answered, which irritated him. He picked up the printer and threw it into the yard.
“But normally when a problem arises, if it does not irritate a person psychologically, it does not count or is useless and cannot make him or her improve.” (Zhuan Falun)
My mind was not righteous. I was resentful and angry and dwelled on my husband's shortcomings, such as his playing mah-jong whenever he felt like it and leaving me at home to look after our two children. The more I thought about this incident, the more resentful I felt. What got me even more cross was that he seemed rather calm about it all and even smiled.
I realized that I had been fooled by the evil. My husband did create karma, but my emotions were being stirred up by his behavior. I could not face the situation. I left the dining table and went to study the Fa with other practitioners.
Luckily, with enlightenment from Master and practitioners’ help, I was able to pinpoint my problem: I was still influenced by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP)’s years of indoctrination.
I had always thought that my husband, who was an atheist, was affected more deeply by the CCP's indoctrination than I. That was why he did not believe in the power of Dafa. Now I realized that I also used Party logic to reason things out, like believing in repaying violence with violence and demanding that other people change.
More importantly, I realized that I spoke very authoritatively and asked rhetorical, belittling questions. I even argued sarcastically with my husband, though I never used dirty words.
Letting Go of Resentment
My husband is an extrovert and likes to be always on the go. I would like him to spend time with me and our children, but he never does. I resented that. On second thought, I was jealous. I was envious that he had many friends whom he loved more than he loved me.
We often fought, and each time I was heartbroken. When he was nice to me, he was really sweet. However, it did not take much to make him angry, and my self-esteem and pride were injured. My deeply hidden “egoism” was touched.
I realized that this egoism was a characteristic of the old universe. After all, Master teaches us to think of others first and to eventually achieve selflessness. If I kept following these old ways of thinking, how could I achieve the standard set by the new universe?
I sent forth righteous thoughts with Zanna for 15 minutes during lunch time the next day. I was in tears as we did and suddenly realized that I did not follow Master’s teaching of “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.” I was not nice to my family and neglected to practice forbearance.
After sending forth righteous thoughts, Zanna and I went to another practitioner's home and studied the Fa.
“When you think that another person hasn’t done well, when you can’t get over it in your mind, you should think about it: 'Why is my mind troubled by this? Does he really have a problem? Or is it that there’s something wrong deep inside me?' You should think about it carefully. If you indeed don’t have any problem and what he did is really problematic, you should tell him with kindness, and that won’t lead to conflicts. It’s guaranteed.” (Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference 1999)
“So, do pay some attention to this: Under any circumstance, particularly when you cultivate among ordinary people, it is inevitable that only through conflicts and through xinxing interference can you improve your xinxing. Every time I lecture I talk about this issue. At the time you were sitting there and listening to the Fa, you were all quite clear about it. But once you stepped out the door, you weren’t as good and you forgot.” (Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference 1999)
Every word of Master’s teaching reverberated in my heart. I had not behaved well and had forgotten that I was a practitioner. I calmed down and asked myself what made me so upset. Was it because I felt sad about my husband creating karma? Or was it because I felt sad that my family members who are sentient beings were not being saved? Or was it because I felt sad about being wronged?
I suddenly realized that I felt upset because I felt I was being wronged. I was shocked and ashamed.
Through Fa study, I sobered up and felt less resentment. It was as if I had unloaded a large burden. When I got home that evening, I was able to apologize to my family for the first time. I admitted that I did not consider others’ feelings when I did things.
Apologizing had been impossible for me in the past. My husband also spelled out his concerns, such as being scared about the persecution and the possibility of losing his wife and that his children could lose their mother.
Drowning in Sentimentality
Even though the situation had eased, my husband did not let me have a printer. I felt very upset because he opposed my involvement in the Dafa project. It was true that I was now able to control my temper a lot better, but I still failed to clarify the truth about Dafa to him calmly.
When I immersed myself in the Fa, I suddenly found that I was lost in sentimentality. I felt guilty about my parents, unhappy with my in-laws, resentful toward my husband, and helpless about my children. So much sentimentality! I felt like I was almost drowning in emotion.
Why was I being suffocated by all this sentimentality? It was because I failed to go beyond it. When I took a fresh look at myself, from other people's point of view, I found that the sentimentality could no longer affect me.