Looking Within and Overcoming a Tribulation
Greetings Esteemed Master and fellow practitioners:
I would like to share my experience of overcoming a physical tribulation and serious injury with Master’s help and by looking inside for my attachments.
Karma Elimination or Interference
“Currently, whether it is karma elimination or interference from evil factors, that is all the work of the old forces. It’s all the same—they are just called different names. I am against all that the old forces do. I don’t accept any of it. And even less so should Dafa disciples be made to endure such suffering.” ( “Fa Teaching at the 2013 Greater New York Fa Conference”)
I was involved in an accident and taken to a hospital for emergency treatment on April 18, 2015.
I have no recollection of what had happened. One moment I was waiting for the bus, and the next moment I was sitting on the sidewalk. I was very surprised, and I started to get up in case the bus would arrive. However, halfway up I had to stop because I could not feel my left leg. It seemed to have disappeared. I asked Master to help me find it. There was no pain and I was at a loss as to what had happened to me.
Glimpse into Horror of Organ Harvesting
The next day a hip replacement surgery was done. Even though I was given anesthetics, I was not entirely asleep when the surgeon started the operation. The last thing I remembered was feeling the cold steel of the scalpel on my skin, but I did not feel pain. I woke up in the recovery room feeling very cold and remembered what had happened. I thought about practitioners in China whose organs were harvested and I cried.
I have been clarifying the truth about the persecution and organ harvesting from living Falun Gong practitioners in China, but I never really understood the feeling of shock and terror involved. My experience of feeling a knife starting to cut into my body gave me a brief glimpse into the horror of forced organ harvesting.
With this foreign metal object in my hip, how could I practice Falun Dafa? I came to understand that I was no longer a Dafa disciple. I felt hopeless and I just wanted to die. My face was covered with tears, and I could not stop crying. I asked Master to help me. All of a sudden a quote from Zhuan Falun came to my mind.
“Some people ask me: 'Teacher, will I be able to practice qigong? I had a sterilization operation,' or 'I’ve had something removed from my body. 'I said to them, 'It doesn’t matter since your body in another dimension didn’t have an operation, and in qigong practice it’s that body which is acted upon.' ”
Master Is Always by My Side
In the rehabilitation center, the doctors and nurses told me that my hip joint would not have the same range of motion that I used to have. I realized that this meant I would not be able to sit in the lotus position in meditation.
I was devastated, thinking that I would not be able to achieve consummation if I could not sit in the double lotus position. I felt like a child lost on the way home and that there was no hope.
I went through a deep depression and just wanted to give up, but compassionate Master did not let me go. He was always there by my side and arranged for practitioners to study the Fa with me.
With Fa study, I came to understand that whether I make it or not, it is up to Master. All I had to do was be diligent in doing the three things with no pursuit or desire.
Truly Maintain Righteous Thoughts of a Cultivator
That was the time when I truly understood the importance of the one body. During the earlier years of my cultivation, I had a hard time accepting the idea of the one body and did not really believe in it. Furthermore, I did not want to be a part of anybody else. I just wanted to be me. I was afraid to lose myself, to lose my identity.
I know now that Master arranged the one body to help us in our cultivation. I could finally see my selfishness and I was determined to change.
I began to search inside myself for the attachments that created such a big gap, which allowed the evil to persecute me. I saw many things that I had already found before, such as the attachment to fear, jealousy, selfishness, different desires and pursuit.
However, these were just things on the surface. I knew that I must search the core of my being. No matter how painful it was, I was determined to find my fundamental attachments and eliminate them. I was determined to let go of my human attachments and not think of anything else, but just do well the three things that Master asked me to do.
In the process of looking inward, I saw things that I have long kept hidden inside me. I did not truly hold the righteous thought of a cultivator, as my thoughts were filled with human attachments.
Disrespectful of Master and the Fa
Many of my human attachments are still hidden within me. I will expose them in this sharing article, because they must be eliminated.
Ordinary People's Thoughts and Issues
Foremost of all my attachments was interference when studying the Fa. This has been an issue for a long time. I could not focus and was constantly drowsy. Sometimes I could not wait to finish reading a lecture, although I knew that I had to read at least a lecture a day. My mind was occupied with everyday issues, such as buying groceries, and what to make for dinner. Also, interruptions, such as visits from my daughter, stopped me from concentrating on the Fa.
“If you don't study this Great Law well your own Consummation won't be secured. What's more, all the important Dafa things you should do will be like ordinary people going about their business, with ordinary-person thoughts and with an ordinary person's basis, and then that's just ordinary people, at best that's just ordinary people doing good deeds for Dafa. Since you're Dafa disciples you can't dissociate yourselves from the Fa when you do things. You're still continually changing this most surface part that hasn't changed. That's why you can't go without studying the Fa. You must study the Fa well. In the process of studying the Fa you'll be able to keep clearing away bad elements in yourself, changing the last bit of stuff you have that hasn't yet been changed. Why did I always use to tell you so emphatically to study the Fa, study the Fa, and study the Fa well? Because it's of utmost importance.”(“Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference”)
When I did not study the Fa well for some time, I reverted into an ordinary person, wasting my time gossiping. Instead I should have clarified the truth about Dafa. What was truly bothersome, was that when I wanted to talk about Dafa not even one person wanted to listen or sign my petition.
When I was at the ordinary peoples state it affected the harmony among my daughters. They would fight with each other and I made things worse by taking sides. Without the Fa I became very selfish.
Leading up to the day of the accident, my body experienced constant sickness tribulations. Unintentionally I had created a huge gap for the evil to exploit.
Finally, I understood the importance of studying the Fa well. But I also realize that to study with attachments and bad notions is very disrespectful of Master and the Fa. It is committing a sin.
A few months after my release from the hospital, I joined two Chinese Fa study groups. As I studied more, I was able to focus better and saw changes in myself. My thoughts have become more pure and I can think first of another person's needs. I am not as selfish as I used to be. Besides, I could let go of many of my human notions. I experienced the power of the Fa.
Wisdom and Skills Are Given by Master
When I used to talk about Dafa, my first thought was of saving sentient beings, but then I focused on myself. I talked to people, as they seemed interested and almost always listened. Then, I forgot that I wanted to save those people. Instead, I validated myself.
I thought back to the times I talked to people to raise awareness of Dafa and the persecution. My starting point was always good, but somewhere along the way I forgot why I was talking to them. Master did not send me sentient beings to validate myself. My mission was to save them. However, my starting point was not cultivation or saving people. It was all about satisfying my show-off mentality and other human attachments.
Master said in Zhuan Falun, “Cultivation depends on one’s own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one’s master.”
As I looked inside, I found my self-validation and show-off mentality. These attachments are very dangerous. I must be clear about this and use the Fa to evaluate and expose them and eliminate them.
Now, I am clear that I am here to save sentient beings. I am not here to show off my skills, especially, as my wisdom was given to me by Master.
Master is the source of everything. In my heart I know everything is done by Master. All I need to do is study the Fa and cultivate well, and I will fulfill the vows I made eons ago. Master arranged the best things for me and is constantly watching over me. I must do well in saving sentient beings in order to be worthy of Master’s compassion.
Low Self-esteem and Lack of Confidence
When sending righteous thoughts, there were times when I just went through the motions for 15 minutes, without truly sending the thoughts. I would make sure that my posture was good, my back was straight, and my hand signs were perfect. It was all for show. I eliminated nothing.
However, there were times when I was indeed able to sit calmly and sent righteous thoughts. But I did not believe I had the power to eliminate the evil. This also showed that I did not have faith in Master concerning sending righteous thoughts.
As I looked deeper inside, I was able to see my low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Because of this attachment, I did not truly believe what Master said,
“I’ll tell you, for years I have been continually saying that Dafa disciples’ abilities are tremendous, yet many people don’t believe this since those abilities were not allowed to be seen. Under the effect of righteous thoughts, everything around you, as well as you yourself, will undergo changes. Yet you have never thought to give it a try.” (“20th Anniversary Fa Teaching”)
Master also said,
“No Dafa disciple can neglect this. Nor can you use any excuse to neglect sending righteous thoughts. That's because if you don't cleanse yourself well you won't be able to do well yourself, ...” (“Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference”)
With the improvement in my Fa study, my understanding of the Fa became deeper. Now, I truly believe that my righteous thoughts are powerful. They are strong enough to change myself and everything around me.
Remember to Always Do Well
About five months after the surgery, I decided to do the sitting exercise. It was not easy to sit on the floor, but I succeeded after a couple of tries. Although I was not able to put my legs up and my left leg was halfway straight, I sat for 45 minutes.
After a while, I felt calm and somewhat tranquil, and I was able to go into ding. I saw my bodies in other dimensions all sitting beautifully in double lotus, just as my physical body used to do.
As I sat in ding, a thought came to me: “I must put myself in Master’s hands.” I will abide by His arrangements. At that moment, I felt at peace with myself, as if a heavy load had been lifted off my shoulders.
Then, another thought entered my mind: “Everything that happens to this physical body is unimportant as long as I am very righteous and follow the arrangements Master has made for me. What is of the utmost importance is that I return to my true self. If I cannot return, everything I am responsible for in this and other dimensions, will be eliminated.”
After this thought, my face was covered with tears. The consequence of not doing well is horrendous. There can be no question of not doing well. I must always remember this.
Everything Is in Master's Hands
Master watched over me and helped me overcome my tribulation. Finally I learned to truly trust Master and Dafa.
The process of letting go was not easy, but when my heart was not moved, when I could let go of self, Master took care of me and I was able to pass the tribulation. I know that Master is always with me and Dafa’s power will display itself.
“As long as you practice cultivation, I’m actually right by your side. And as long as you practice cultivation, I can be responsible for you all the way to the end; what’s more, I’m looking after you every single moment.” (“Teaching the Fa in New York City” from Lectures in the United States)
Now I understand what truly cultivating myself is, and that “looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”)
I will always look within to see if my heart is selfish or moved. The human notions acquired during each of my lifetimes have to be eliminated. It is all right to feel sad or even regret, but I must not go to extremes. As long as I eliminate attachments with very righteous thoughts, I will rise to a new level.
Whenever my heart is moved during Fa-validation efforts, I will look within and get rid of that human notion. I will always remember that saving sentient beings is the most important thing.
There are many things that I can do and need to do in Fa-rectification. I will do them diligently. I will always remember that everything is in Master’s hands. What Master arranges for me is the best. I just need to believe and have faith.
There will be times when I do not study the Fa well, or will be selfish, but I know I will be able to see these notions right away and let them go.
Thank you esteemed Master and fellow practitioners.
(Presented at the 2016 Canada Falun Dafa Cultivation Experience Sharing Conference)