The Detrimental Issue Called Resentment
(Minghui.org) Resentment had taken hold of me, and I want to share with fellow practitioners how I discarded this mentality.
Hostility, an Emotion of Anger
Resentment is a kind of hostility, an emotion of anger that arises from a real or perceived wrongdoing, which could develop into hatred.
I realized that when a desire, or self-interest was not met, I would become bitter and dissatisfied. If anyone badmouthed me, was of a negative opinion, or disliked me, I would end up complaining about them.
For my resentment to be discarded, I had to recognize it and resist it immediately so it would not turn into full-blown anger. If I did not take it seriously, however, and just ignored it with some excuse, my mind would be filled with resentment. It would then turn into hatred.
It was not difficult if I let go of this resentment in the beginning stages. Some of my resentment toward an individual, however, had taken hold of me a long time ago, and some of it had taken root in my childhood. Such long-term issues are very challenging to discard. They can only be eliminated one layer after another.
My resentment toward my mother began in my early childhood, and I went through a painful and tiring process before I could discard it. It affected me to the extent that at times I did not know how to keep going.
My mother had several children, which put her under great pressure. Thus, she had a bad temper and often beat us. This made me angry and I often argued with her, complaining that she did not treat us with the love children deserved.
My parents also fought often. When they fought, she did not make meals for us. And there were not many days that went without a fight in my family.
In my young mind, I blamed everything on my mother, so she and I did not speak with each another for quite some time.
Difficulty in Discarding Resentment
After I started cultivating in Falun Dafa, I realized that I should follow Dafa’s teachings because they told me to be a good person. Thus, I realized that I had to improve my relationship with my mother.
I tried, but only superficially, as I did not truly discard my resentment and still argued and fought with her.
Every time after I lost my temper, I was upset for not being able to maintain my xinxing. I promised myself to do better the next time.
Nevertheless, when the situation happened again, I still failed to control my temper. I was really worried about this. Even my sisters were not happy with me.
“As long as you have them, all of those attachments must be removed in different environments. You will be made to stumble, whereby you will become enlightened to the Tao. This is how one goes through cultivation practice.” (Zhuan Falun)
My behavior and attitude was just as Master said in Zhuan Falun.
My mother and father were in their 80s and in poor physical condition. They could no longer take care of themselves. Thus, my sisters and I took turns taking care of them.
When I was with my mother for a longer time, our disagreements began to show. I argued and spoke harshly to her. Even though I knew that I should not be that way, I was unable to stop myself.
Soon, some of my elder sister’s remarks were like a wake-up call.
“People told me that by cultivating Dafa, one would have a fundamental change,” she said. “Why haven’t you changed? A sister-in-law of ours learned Buddhism and she completely changed. You should learn Buddhism!”
I suddenly realized that I truly had not practiced as taught by Dafa. Falun Dafa practitioners were persecuted for so many years and my family members had never tried to stop me from cultivating Dafa.
However, my attitude toward my mother made them have second thoughts about Dafa. I said, “Sister, Dafa is good; it is me who has not followed the Dafa principles.”
I realized that I had discredited Dafa. I knew that I must learn the Fa well, discard my resentment toward my mother, and let my family see that I had changed and become good tempered. I wanted my family members to accept Dafa from the depths of their hearts.
I knew that I had fallen behind and had not met Master’s expectations. I had to catch up fast.
Resentment Strengthened Demon-Nature
I could not sleep that night because I kept thinking, “Why couldn’t I get rid of the resentment? Where is the root of this mentality?”
I talked to some fellow practitioners. They told me that I was not kind and had not even met an ordinary person’s standard when it came to kindness.
They said, “A kind word is like a warmth delivered in the cold winter, and abusive language is like a chill brought forth in the summer. As a practitioner how could you say harsh words to your mother?”
This showed me that I had viciousness in my heart. When I thought more about what it meant to be vicious, I remembered Master’s teaching:
“One’s demon-nature is viciousness, and it manifests as killing, stealing and robbing, selfishness, wicked thoughts, sowing discord, stirring up troubles by spreading rumors, jealousy, wickedness, anger, laziness, incest and so on.” (“Buddha-Nature and Demon-Nature,” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
It was just as Master said. When I lost my temper, I was vicious, and my thoughts were completely controlled by my demon-nature. It was not just losing my temper, as I had believed all along. The more I thought that I was just losing my temper, the more the demon-nature manipulated me.
I realized that I had nourished my demon-nature by not recognizing, suppressing, and eliminating it. Hence, Master could not eliminate it for me.
“If a cultivator does not get rid of his demon-nature through cultivation, his gong will be badly disordered and he will attain nothing or follow a demonic path.” (“Buddha-Nature and Demon-Nature,” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I came to understand that only by eliminating my demon-nature could I discard my resentment. Master said, “Cultivating Buddhahood is to eliminate your demon-nature and strengthen and increase your Buddha-nature.” (“Buddha-Nature and Demon-Nature,” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
True Cultivation Brings Changes
To clean my field, and especially to remove my demon nature and the Chinese Communist Party culture rooted in me, I first sent righteous thoughts. This was not easy, as my mind kept telling me that my mother had treated me badly.
I kept reciting Master’s Fa:
“You may talk cultivationBut you have to discard the attachmentsthat you hold deep insideWhat's given up is not oneselfBut instead the folly of delusion.”(“Discarding Attachments,” from Hong Yin II)
No more did I let my attachments govern me. I did my best to clear all the thoughts that arose from the Party culture as well as the thoughts that did not conform to the Fa. I also discarded all negative thoughts toward my mother.
When I visited my mother, my thoughts had become purer and I felt compassion for her. Whenever bad thoughts toward my mother arose, I looked inside and corrected them immediately.
Assimilating to the Fa
I came to understand that to discard resentment, I must read the Fa more and assimilate into the Fa. I must purify myself with the Fa so that every thought and deed conforms to it.
When reading the Fa, I paid attention to every word. Now, when I encounter any type of situation, I tell myself that I must follow Master’s teachings.
Therefore, I no longer consider taking care of my parents a burden, and I know that as a daughter, it is my responsibility to care for them. With this thought, I realized that taking care of my parents was also part of my path of cultivation.
“One’s Buddha-nature is Shan, and it manifests itself as compassion, thinking of others before acting, and the ability to endure suffering.” (“Buddha-Nature and Demon-Nature,” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I stopped using my standard to judge others, and I strictly demanded myself to follow the Fa with every thought and deed.
One day, my resentment mentality toward my mother was completely gone and my thoughts became pure and clean. Master helped me and removed my resentment mentality, but not until He saw that I put great effort into letting it go.