(Minghui.org) It has been about seven years since I began to practice Falun Gong. I always felt that my cultivation was superficial, although I knew how to look inward when running into conflicts or during tribulations. I always ended up looking on the surface without digging deeper.
I felt something blocked me from locating the root cause of my attachments. I felt insecure and did not know how to cultivate. I only recently have been able to truly look inward during conflicts.
Sentimentality Blocks Improvement
My husband is a nice person by nature. He has always been very attached to me and likes to be around me. However, before I started to practice Falun Gong I did not treat him well and took him for granted. I changed a lot after I practiced Falun Gong, but my change was probably just on the surface.
About half a year ago, we had an altercation that changed our relationship and he began to misunderstand Falun Gong. This happened because my cultivation state was not quite up to par.
Actually, I did not think about my actions from the perspective of a practitioner, and did not look inward. This tribulation was meant to improve my xinxing, but instead I felt wronged and pained. Although, I knew that I should pull myself together, I could not snap out of that state.
Teacher said,
“Of course, sometimes you say that you've tried hard but still can't do it. Then with that effort you put in, were you trying to solve only that specific problem? Did the state of your cultivation really get to that point?”(Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
Through Fa-study and sharing with fellow practitioners, I began to look inward. I came to realize that I had strong attachments to sentimentality and jealousy.
Teacher had tried to hint many times, either through a dream or through another practitioner’s words. But I still failed to enlighten to my problems.
When I finally came to see through my attachment to selfishness and sentimentality, I gained a deeper understanding of Teacher's Fa.
Teacher said:
“If this sentimentality is not relinquished, you will be unable to practice cultivation. If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person’s mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble.” (Zhuan Falun)
If I had been able to enlighten to the Fa a little earlier, I wouldn't have been interfered with by sentimentality so deeply. Teacher's Fa has immense power.
State of Mind Affects Cooperation
My 81-year-old mother has practiced Falun Gong for five years and she is more diligent.
When I first studied the Fa with her she read rather slowly and made lots of mistakes, because she has a very limited education. She could not hear that well either. I became impatient and sometimes succumbed to my temper. I didn't want to study with her, although I always felt regret afterward.
She was in an accident, and a vehicle ran over her feet. Without asking for her opinion, I did not allow her to go to the hospital, nor take injections. I was trying to help her cultivate by forcing my opinion on her, and this caused some misunderstandings among our family members.
Did my action really count as cultivation? Absolutely not. My state of mind was off. My behavior was motivated by my human attachments. I realized that I was not compassionate or kind to my family members. I also had a competitive mentality.
My mother had eight children of which I am in the middle. My siblings used to be dedicated to taking care of our mother, but slacked of in recent years. So, I became more responsible for her. The more I complained about this situation, the more they shirked their responsibility.
After Fa study and sharing with fellow practitioners, I came to realize the substances blocking me from improving were sentimentality, jealousy, selfishness, not being compassionate, and my attachment to leisure.
A practitioner said, “You cannot even harmonize your family members, how are you going to save others?”
This truly shocked me. I began to look inward and held myself against the standards of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I changed my notions and treated my family members kindly. Gradually things began to change.
Teacher said:
“If when you find the real reasons within yourself you dare to face and recognize them, you will find that the matter instantly changes and the problem disappears.” (Lecture at the First Conference in North America)
Deeper Understanding of Fa Principles
In addition, although my faith in cultivation and Fa-study had never wavered, I always felt that I was going through the motions when I studied the Fa. I believe this was due to post-natal notions and interference from thought karma.
Although I never slacked off in Fa-study, I did not take it to heart. I lacked a solid base for cultivation, so when I ran into problems I could not remember the relevant Fa principals and act accordingly. Instead, my ordinary thoughts and actions would manifest.
Through Fa-study, I started to truly look inward. I came to understand that as a cultivator, what one hears or sees is not accidental. When I was not willing to hear something, or did not want others to blame me, my attachments were being touched upon. It meant that I had an attachment and it was time to let go of it.
Now, I have come to understand that studying the Fa will build a strong cultivation foundation. If you can look inward, you can elevate one's mind/heart nature and do everything well.
Category: Improving Oneself
