(Minghui.org) I was detained for 10 days this April for refusing to renounce my faith in Falun Dafa. Upon my release, I pondered what I hadn't done well that resulted in my arrest in the first place.
I found that I was attached to money, holding grievances and resentment, a competitive mentality, jealousy, and being afraid of losing face. In particular, I had not let go of my resentment towards practitioners over an incident that happened in 2013.
A practitioner in charge of collecting materials in our area had to attend to some matters and asked me to help out for a month.
When she returned, she asked me what had happened to the four hundred yuan that had been printed with messages about the persecution. I was confused because I had never seen the bills.
When we went to find the practitioner who I collected the materials from, he said that the bills were included in the materials. However, he didn't inform me when he gave the materials to me. Moreover, I didn't notice any bills when I re-distributed the materials to other practitioners.
I felt that this was odd and talked about it with fellow practitioners in my Fa-study group. One of them accused me of spending the money myself, since I had been struggling financially.
I was filled with grievances and burst out in tears.
I developed strong resentment towards practitioners: “How could you think this? Yes, my financial situation is bad. My husband doesn't earn much and I don't have a job. However, Master has said clearly in the Fa that as a cultivator, no matter how difficult it is, I cannot spend money that is used for saving people.”
I resented the practitioners that doubted me. A practitioner said, “If you don't have money, I can loan you some.” I declined.
In accordance with human principles, I needed to return the money that I lost. Even so, I still bore a grudge.
One day, a veteran practitioner invited me to her house and said, “Don't be afraid if you had really spent that money. Return the money and cultivate well from now on.”
When I heard that she doubted me too, I cried, thinking,“There's no way I can clear my name!”
Seeing how upset I was, the practitioner advised me, “We have cultivated for so many years. If you did not spend that money, don't be resentful. Look at Han Xin (a military general in the Han dynasty). He could endure the humiliation of crawling between someone's legs. You can overcome this small test too.”
Her words awakened me. This is a test arranged by Master. I must overcome it. However, I didn't pass the test completely.
After the incident, whenever I studied the Fa with other practitioners, they looked at me differently, which caused me to develop stronger resentment and an attachment to reputation and competitiveness. I felt that it was too unjust, and I didn't want to be in contact with other practitioners. I could not forgive them for misjudging me.
Recalling all of this, I realized that my arrest was due to this long-term resentment. I was lacking a mind of great forbearance.
Master has said many times in the lectures to look inward when encountering conflicts, such as,
“...When something upsetting happens, something that angers you occurs, or there is personal gain at stake, or your ego suffers a blow, are you able to look inward and cultivate yourself, searching for your own shortcoming, and even when you find yourself in such a situation and you’re not at fault, are you able to have an attitude of, “Oh, I understand—I must not have done well in some regard. Or if I really didn’t do something wrong, perhaps it’s that I’m paying off karma that I owe. I’m going to handle it well and pay off what I should.” And as you continually encounter such things, you should continually cultivate yourself.” (“Dafa Disciples Must Study the Fa - Fa Teaching Given at the 2011 Washington DC Metro Area Fa Conference” in Teaching the Fa at the Conference XI)
The heaviness in my heart lifted. Nothing is coincidental for a cultivator. A tribulation always has something to do with my cultivation, and is an indicator that it is time to improve my xinxing. But, I didn't pass this test well and my gap was exploited by the old forces.
After finding these attachments, I felt free of the resentment and I felt relaxed. I no longer held bad feelings toward my fellow practitioners.
Thank you Master for painstakingly pointing this out to me! Thank you fellow practitioners for helping me.
Category: Improving Oneself
