(Minghui.org) Why did I have to fall so hard and experience so much pain in order to become determined in my cultivation and wake up? I've practiced Falun Dafa for almost 20 years, yet I hadn't passed the test of sexual desire.
Recovering from a Cerebral Hemorrhage
I was chatting with a friend a couple of months ago when I suddenly felt numb all over and lost control of my right side. I called a fellow practitioner and sent forth righteous thoughts. I believe that my condition didn't improve because my righteous thoughts were inadequate.
My family took me to the hospital the next day, and I was diagnosed with a cerebral hemorrhage and high blood pressure. The hospital treatment caused me to suffer further. I knew that I had to get out of there. I asked for Master's help, and with the righteous thoughts of fellow practitioners, I was able to leave after five days.
Practitioners visited me at home, where we studied the Fa and shared our experiences. I gradually understood where I fell short. My condition improved, and I'm now able to make phone calls to tell people about Falun Dafa and the persecution.
Why Did I Fall?
I shouldn't have experienced this kind of persecution. This clearly didn't happen over night, and I knew that I must have some large gaps that the old forces were able to exploit. I continuously studied the Fa and searched within to discover what attachments I hadn't let go of. I finally discovered the reason.
I had a strong attachment to lust, which I had not removed at its root. I had an affair over 10 years ago. I also hadn't passed the test of lust in my dreams.
My husband and I had lived apart for a long time, so I thought we should engage in sexual relations when we met. I experienced pain after such encounters, and once even cracked my breastbone. Yet, I still felt that I should conform to the conventions of marital life.
Master has tested me in my dreams to see whether I could pass the test of lust. The results were mixed, and I knew that I needed to study the Fa more, improve my concentration, increase the power of my righteous thoughts, remove all attachments and assimilate to the Fa.
Other Manifestations of Sexual Desire
I originally thought that relations between the two sexes were based solely on lust, but now I realize that it manifests in many ways. For instance, I thought that dressing nicely was just a love of beauty, but it is also an aspect of desire– wanting the admiration and approval of both sexes. My attachment to sexual desire was very strong, and it also led to jealousy.
In the process of looking within I also became aware of other attachments, such as holding grudges, sentimentality, attachments to family, showing off, zealotry, being pleased with myself, and seeking comfort.
Cultivation is serious, and this lesson was profound. Master compassionately endured much on my behalf. I'm now embarrassed to stand before Master's picture, but thank him from the bottom of my heart.
I wrote this article to make a resolute decision to thoroughly eliminate all attachments and completely disintegrate the old forces. I hope that my sharing will help to wake up fellow practitioners, particularly veteran practitioners like myself, who have similar issues in their cultivation.
Cultivation is very serious, and we can't give the old forces a handle to grab and take us down. Time is too short for us to be muddle-headed, and we need to get rid of attachments quickly.
Past Symptoms and Enlightenment
I experienced many incorrect states over the past few years, including strong thought karma, anxiety, restlessness, fear, etc. I strengthened my main consciousness, increased my Fa study, sent forth righteous thoughts, and continuously told people about Falun Dafa and the persecution.
I improved in my cultivation, but felt that I hadn't dug out the roots of my attachments. By looking within, I realized that I hadn't let go of the attachment to life and death, and that I didn't fully believe in Master and the Fa.
I also developed a blood blister in my eye, my abdomen swelled, and my figure had become deformed. I realize that this was because I hadn't gotten rid of the attachment to desire at its root.
Master tried to enlighten me by giving me hints, but I didn't pay attention to them. I sent forth righteous thoughts, but my condition didn't improve, so I stopped. I just felt that I shouldn't acknowledge this incorrect physical state. Now, I know that the source of this was my attachment to sexual desire.
Fellow practitioners please compassionately point out any limitations in my understanding.
Category: Improving Oneself
