Letting Go of a Heart of Hatred
(Minghui.org) I would like to share my experience of looking inward while facing conflicts with fellow practitioners. I learned not to look down upon other practitioners, but to value everyone who crosses my cultivation path.
When I started to practice Dafa, I was very touched by one of the coordinators for her strong righteous thoughts and hard work. We attended the same Fa study group and worked together on some projects. She was a role model for me when it came to clarifying the truth to people about the persecution of Falun Dafa. She helped me a lot and was respected by many practitioners.
During Fa study, she could recite Hong Yin III while I had to read from the book. I realized that there was a significant distance between her and me when it came to cultivation, so I was determined to recite the book as well. I did achieve my goal after some time and I felt that this enabled me to understand a lot of things that used to puzzle me. I shared this experience with the rest of the group, which encouraged others to try to recite Hong Yin III.
Disagreement Results in Anger
However, the coordinator and I started to have different opinion on certain issues. She not only disagreed with me, but she also often told me that I was in the wrong. I found it hard to accept that she would not even consider my opinion. After all, I had listened to her and even cooperated with her in something she had done wrong.
I did not fight and argue with her, and became more and more silent when disagreements emerged because in my opinion she was just too domineering. My suppressed anger finally burst into a fight during a Fa study. All were shocked, and no one knew how to react.
Another practitioner said a few days later, “You shouldn't have behaved like that.” Although I denied wrongdoing at first, I recalled Master's words, when I listened to her,
“...not fight back when you are beaten or sworn at—you must be tolerant.” (Zhuan Falun)
As she kept talking about my mistakes, I remembered more of Master’s words,
“But once he realizes it, he can correct it. And why can he do that? It's not done for the sake of being a good ordinary person, but rather, to cultivate to Consummation. (Applause) That is sacred, and that is walking the path toward godhood.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital”)
Although we were on a bus, tears covered my face. I sincerely wanted to follow Master's teachings. I said in my heart that I was wrong, I could change, and I would change.
Attachments Create Problems
I kept looking within and wondered why this situation had happened to me, especially since others believed that I was good-tempered. I realized that I had been covering up my true feelings when I faced unfavorable feedback. I did not fight with those who were in conflict with me, but I closed my heart and disassociated from them. This was a manifestation of a heart filled with hatred.
Another incident that had happened 10 years ago came to mind. When a family member of mine passed away, I wanted emotional comfort from a fellow practitioner. However, she simply said, “Do not let it worry you,” instead of providing ordinary condolences. From then on, she and I were on bad terms.
After I looked further within, I also saw that I had not been able to get rid of my attachments, such as fear, lust, and laziness.
Two days later, a third practitioner said, “Everyone is worried about you two and the conflicts between you. I couldn't sleep last night and tossed and turned. There could be serious harm if the two of you don't change.” Fellow practitioners’ sincere concern touched me. There was no reason for me to hang on to my attachments.
I went to a practitioner's home and found the practitioner who I had a fight with was there as well. I asked her to join me in a different room to have a talk, but she just asked, “What for?”
My eyes filled with tears, but she was not moved. I said, “Every time you disagreed with me, I closed my heart to you. It's my fault, and I shouldn't have done so. Closing my heart was not what a practitioner should do. I am willing to tell you what I really thought and felt because I want to do what Master said:
“...and why can he do that? It's not done for the sake of being a good ordinary person, but rather, to cultivate to Consummation” (“Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital”)
We talked for two hours. As I opened myself up to her, she started to soften, and became friendly. In the end, she admitted that she had not done well either.
This incident had a strong impact on me and my cultivation. After that, I did not find other challenges as hard as this one.
A while later, I heard that the coordinator went to a practitioner's home just to apologize for having used an aggressive tone in their earlier conversation. The fellow practitioner was surprised and said, “We are already used to your way of talking. It's great that you notice where you can improve.”
I understand now that as long as we follow Master's Fa, we will all improve.