Looking Inward

(Minghui.org) I am an elderly practitioner who has practiced Falun Dafa for 17 years. At the beginning of my practice, I saw how miraculous and grand Dafa is. I was so grateful for Master's mercy. In later years, I stumbled through many hardships, and I often felt that I was only a beginner in my cultivation, even after so many years.

I was released from prison in August 2011. I knew I lagged behind. So I paid more attention to Fa study, and I tried to do more Dafa projects. I became a local coordinator. I coordinated and organized multiple Fa-study groups and created a materials production site. I kept myself busy, and it felt good.

However, problems and conflicts occurred during coordination work among practitioners, and even in my family. I saw my shortcomings. I knew I was not aligned with the Fa. It was painful.

The Fa has higher and higher standards for us. I realized it was the time for me to improve my xinxing.

Master told us:"If you want to improve yourself, you should search your inner self and work hard on your heart—only then can you truly ascend and achieve tranquility in sitting meditation." (“Lecture Nine” in Zhuan Falun)

Realizing My Competitive Mentality

I found that it was not easy to look inward. I kept catching myself looking at others and finding excuses for myself at my first thought. When a practitioner pointed out that I had a competitive mentality, I felt hurt. Later I had a dream. In the dream I was fighting with others for the entire night. I was all sweaty, yet I was persistent until all my opponents were defeated. When I woke up, I knew Master was giving me hints.

I seriously looked inward. I indeed had a competitive mentality. I often argued a point to death with either fellow practitioners or family members.

Sometimes I restrained myself. On the surface I did "forbear," but it was not a practitioner's "forbearance." It was a forced "forbearance" while feeling wronged in my heart.

I once coordinated with another practitioner on a Dafa project. The practitioner left suddenly without notifying me. I looked for her everywhere and repeatedly called her, but got no answer. Two weeks later, she came back. As soon as I saw her, I lost control. I blamed her, refusing to listen to her explanations. My voice was full of resentment. The result, of course, was not good.

Master said:"... your nature in the past was actually based on egotism and selfishness. From now on, whatever you do, you should consider others first, so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism. So from now on, whatever you do or whatever you say, you must consider others—or even future generations—along with Dafa’s eternal stability." ("Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature" in Essentials for Further Advancement)

I totally forgot to look inward and consider others. I only cared about my own feelings. I threw my criticism into the other person's face. I let my anger out and hurt others. I was so selfish.

I remembered an incident. When I just got released from prison, a practitioner was very angry at me. She said I hurt her eight years ago and she never forgot about it. I asked what it was.

"You forget about it after you hurt others," she complained. "You called me to join a project. Then you fired me!"

She referred to eight years ago when I was coordinating a materials production site with three other practitioners, including her.

I told her, "Please forgive me. I did not know I hurt you at that time." I was surprised by her reaction. I tried to explain to her that we saw that she was older, and she was seriously coughing and wheezing at the time. "The other two practitioners and I all thought it was better for you to go home and rest. Also, we had enough manpower."

She said loudly: "That's right! You see all three of you got sentenced to jail, didn't you? I did not."

Holding a Grudge and Looking Outward

I was shocked. Was she implying that the three of us were punished because we advised her to go home? My first thought was: “This is vicious! Is she a practitioner at all?” Although I controlled myself and did not argue with her, I looked down upon her after that. I still carried the grudge even one year later.

I tried to look inward, but it was painful. I kept seeing the wrong doings of others. I felt sorry for myself.

One day, I realized I was looking outward. When I looked inward deeper, I found my unkindness, not forbearing, anger, and self-protection, all formed from my human attachments. They bound me so tightly that I could not free myself. I felt deep pain when I tried to let my attachments go. Truly looking within touched my soul deeply. It was not a piece of cake. Yet when I truly let my attachments go, I felt enlightened. I saw new vistas.

I finally understood that if I want to reach a higher level, I must believe in Master and the Fa 100 percent. I shall use the magical tool of "looking within" and check every thought -- is it the thought of a god or the thought of a human? If it is a human thought, I should not let it develop. Instead, I shall have the courage to give it up, to dissolve it, and to replace it with the thought of a god.

Being Persistent in Looking Within

Sometimes, I knew I was not aligned with the Fa. I understood it, but I could not let it go. In such cases it was extremely painful. My experience was to promptly decide to bear the pain of immediately giving up what I "loved." I reminded myself: “How can I bring all these attachments and go home with Master?”

Master said:"If you, as a student [of Dafa], do not follow Master’s requirements, it is definitely no simple thing. The old forces have arranged for all Dafa disciples a set of their things, so if a Dafa disciple doesn’t follow Master’s requirements, he must be following the old forces’ arrangements." ("Be Clearheaded" in The Essentials of Diligent Progress VOL. III)

I now understood that if I did not "look inward," I was not following Master's requirement. It was not a trivial matter.

After again studying Master's teachings on "looking within," I clearly felt my human thoughts got weaker, and my godly thoughts got stronger. I suddenly saw the light. It felt like I had climbed one story higher.

Although I came to understand the principle, I know it still takes hard work to do it correctly. I shall work hard.

The above is my understanding. Please point out any shortcomings.