Looking Within: Giving Up the Need to Protect Myself

(Minghui.org) One day I asked myself, "Why do I still protect and defend myself?" When I looked within, I realized that protecting oneself is an attachment, one which is fear-based, the fear of loss.

What was I afraid of losing? My reputation. I was afraid of being seen as less than I imagined myself to be.

However, this imagined sense of self that I spent my whole life constructing, defending, and protecting, was completely conjured up, as it was based on my human notions and attachments. It was not the real me, my true self.

Through looking within, I also observed that when I defended my ideas, notions, opinions, or feelings, I became trapped by them. I erroneously took my human side to be myself, even though it had nothing to do with my true nature: Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance .

The need to protect myself came in part from a lack of self-honesty. That is, I didn't want to believe that I had a bad side. Thus, when someone pointed out my attachments, I took it personally, as if they were telling me that I was somehow deficient.

But Master Li has told us that everything in the Three Realms has both good and bad elements to it, including human beings.

The attachment to protecting myself also expressed itself in the form of showing off. It was as if I needed to prove to others that I had value, that I was okay.

However, this value that I placed on myself was derived from a false assessment of myself, which was based on a host of notions of who I thought I was. Only by looking within and honestly cultivating myself am I able to realize and correct these false notions.

After years of cultivating Dafa, I no longer feel the need to defend or protect myself when I am accused of doing something wrong. In addition, I don't feel compelled to prove that I am right or to show others how smart I am. If someone's idea is better than mine, I don't feel diminished by admitting it is so, as I no longer view it as a personal issue.

When others point out my deficiencies, I openly agree with them, without hesitation, if I see their point. I don't feel embarrassed by the fact that I am less than perfect in others' eyes. Nor do I try to confuse the situation by trying to convince others that they are wrong, when they, as well as myself, know that they are right. Instead, I am detached enough to see my character flaws as an aspect of my humanness, not an aspect of my true self.

After I let go of the need to protect myself, I stopped trying to cover up my mistakes or give absurd reasons for why I did or did not do what I was supposed to do. I no longer feel that being wrong or making a mistake is a bad thing or that I should somehow be concerned that people around me will lose faith, trust, or respect for me when they see my foibles.

I am now open and honest with others, and I am not afraid of being seen for the person/being that I am. I am more relaxed and calm. I now feel more compassionate, lighthearted, and understanding towards others as I am no longer preoccupied with myself.

If someone says something horribly rude to me in an effort to disparage my character, I immediately pause and ask myself, "What could be true about what they're saying," instead of being surprised or defensive that someone finds me less than perfect.

Since I am no longer plagued by fear, anxiety, or self-interest, I can allow things to take their natural course. I know that what is mine will be mine and what is not mine will not be mine.

I encourage my fellow practitioners to examine their need to protect and defend themselves, as it is a formidable block on our path of cultivation!