(Minghui.org) Greetings Master, greetings fellow practitioners!

Today, I would like to share about two attachments of mine: resentment and fame.

My cultivation environment is quite different from that of most practitioners in Canada. I live on an acreage in the country, near a small town in Alberta. My husband doesn't practice Falun Dafa.

The nearest practitioners are in Edmonton and about two hours from my home. For this reason I don’t get to see other practitioners regularly and cultivate in semi-isolation.

I work at English Epoch Times (EET) full time in dual roles as a reporter and the national production manager. Therefore, most of my interaction with other practitioners comes through EET work online and on the phone.

Throughout my years of working on EET since 2007, I have worked in many different departments and in various management roles.

When I first started, it was about a year after I obtained the Fa. I was very earnest and enthusiastic, and I took on a lot of work. I remember feeling in awe of my fellow practitioners who worked so hard on the paper and thought they all seemed like righteous divine beings.

As the years went on, however, I began developing an increasingly negative attitude towards some of my co-workers and fellow practitioners. I did not have many direct conflicts on the outside, but on the inside, I was constantly criticizing and judging others.

If someone missed a deadline, let me down in some way, or didn’t act or speak like I thought they should, outside I would be pleasant to them. But on the inside I would categorize them as “unreliable,” “difficult”, “unintelligent,” “slow,” etc.

To make matters worse, because I often received praise for my own work, I developed a superior attitude, thinking I was better than others and very capable.

This bad attitude of mine made me feel uncomfortable inside, as I was negative and angry with my co-workers whenever problems came up in our work. I was also frequently angry with my husband over small matters, even though I tried to hide it.

I knew I had a problem but couldn’t find the root of my attachment. It just seemed to me that I was right, responsible and correct, and everyone else was wrong - as on the surface it usually appeared to be their mistakes.

A conflict came up one day that finally helped me see my fundamental attachment. I was chastising one of the layout artists for making the same mistake repeatedly. I felt she was not being thorough in her work and was causing delays, as we were racing to meet the printer deadline.

Our rapport was tense. Though we finished the job on time, it was obvious we were unhappy with each other.

The next day I received an email from her. She told me that she was going to quit layout, and that she didn’t want to work with me because she felt I resented her and that her work was never good enough for me.

I was shocked at her words. The word resentment jumped out at me from her message. When I calmed down and looked inside, I realized I was holding onto a mountain of resentment for her and other EET staff, and it was a huge obstacle in my cultivation.

I saw that I resented others because I was always trying to make it easier for myself, and felt bitter towards others when they didn’t meet my expectations. I was holding them to “my” standard, not the standard of the Fa, and was heavily focused on my own interest and feelings. Instead of genuinely trying to help and putting others first, I only thought about how their actions affected me.

Of course the fundamental attachment to my resentment was selfishness. It was also an obvious lack of forbearance and compassion in addition to arrogance, vanity, jealousy, and human emotion.

My negative judgments were also putting these bad substances onto others, and creating obstacles for them. By refusing to part with the old universe, and the human heart of resentment and gratitude, I was caught in an endless karmic cycle.

As Master said in Hong Yin Volume 1, “An upright person:”

He who acts for his namea life of anger and hate is hisHe who acts for profitcold is he, knowing not his kinHe who acts for emotionmany are the troubles he brings himselfBitter,fighting away,he makes karma all his life.

Not seeking a namelife is carefree and contentNot set on profitone is known as humane and righteousNot stirred by emotionthe mind is quiet, desires fewKind,cultivating himself,he builds up virtue all his years.

Now I see that because I wasn’t looking inside deeply enough, this resentment was able to keep its grip on me for a long time. Although I still have negative thoughts about others from time to time and still need to work hard to remove my attachment, I can now see it more clearly when it comes up, and have vowed to eliminate it as soon as it appears.

The day my coworker threatened to quit was a turning point for me, and after finding my resentment I instantly felt more patient, tolerant and compassionate towards her and others that I was holding a grudge against.

Thankfully, after I found my attachment, the practitioner changed her mind about quitting and even apologized for making mistakes, saying she would try to do better.

I want to sincerely apologize to those practitioners that I treated poorly both in person and inside my mind, and I hope that my shortcomings did not cause any losses for our media projects.

I would also like to share about another attachment I recently discovered: the attachment to fame and reputation.

When I was growing up my family moved around a lot – by the time I graduated from high school I had lived in almost two dozen different places. Because of this constant state of change I was often the “new kid” in town and it made me feel exposed, shy and on display.

Because of this, I developed a state of extreme self-consciousness. I would constantly think about how others saw me, what they thought of me, how I looked, talked, acted, etc.

I always tried hard to fit in because I desperately wanted to make new friends and didn’t want to be alone each time I moved to a new home. I became so anxious during this time that I developed insomnia, eating disorders and started using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope.

When I started practicing Falun Dafa in my early twenties, I was able to overcome my addictions. My anxiety was greatly reduced. However, I became aware that the excessive focus on my reputation has stayed with me, and is a big barrier to cultivation.

The attachments to fame and reputation manifest in different ways. For example, I developed a perfectionist attitude in my Dafa work and was afraid to make mistakes or be criticized. I was very focused on other practitioners' opinions of me, whether they thought I was diligent, had a good understanding of Dafa, was capable, etc.

The fame attachment was also a big barrier to clarifying the truth. I would be excessively concerned about what friends and family members thought of Dafa, not necessarily because I was focused solely on saving them. I also wanted to protect myself from criticism.

I wanted people to think highly of me and was afraid of being seen as “odd” or different. Sometimes I wouldn’t clarify the truth in depth enough and avoided the topic to save face.

A few weeks ago Master sent me a hint to encourage me to let go of this attachment. I was sitting outside at a birthday party for my father-in-law and was observing the people around me.

I was feeling some social anxiety and was trying to calm myself down and stay open to opportunities to clarify the truth to the other guests.

All of a sudden I felt completely relaxed and all my human thoughts and emotions dissolved. My mind felt empty and, as I looked around, all I could feel was compassion for all these people and a wish for them to have a good future and be saved.

The feeling was indescribable, and I experienced the bliss of higher realms – free of attachment to reputation, fame and emotional suffering.

As Master says in “Success at Consummation” in Hong Yin:

Fame, gain, emotion—cultivate each away,And ascend to the Firmament at Consummation,See the human world with eyes of compassion,Then are you freed from the spell of delusion.

Although I still need to do a lot of diligent cultivation to get rid of these attachments, I believe this experience was encouragement from Master to strive forward. It reminded me that sometimes I am too passive and too easily defeated by my attachments.

Master’s benevolent hint woke me up and renewed my determination to improve. Shortly after that experience He arranged the chance for me to clarify the truth to a girl I had wanted to speak with for a long time. I saw clearly that only when I elevate my xinxing can I truly be effective at saving beings.

I want to thank Master for his boundless compassion and constant encouragement. I am extremely moved by Master’s belief in me and it gives me the confidence and optimism to forge ahead in my cultivation, despite my many shortcomings.

I also want to apologize to Master for letting him down and failing to assimilate to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance so many times in my cultivation. I will do my best to be diligent in the precious time remaining.

Please point out anything inappropriate. Thank you!

(Shared at the 2014 Falun Dafa Cultivation Conference of Canada in Toronto on August 23)