(Minghui.org) My mother and I started practicing Falun Dafa on August 8, 1993. I wonder how many young practitioners were full of conceit, just like I was.
My mother thought that I acted arrogantly and said, “ You appear that you are always proud of yourself. Look at those practitioners who have supernatural powers but have no show-off mentality. They are very steadfast. Have you developed any supernatural powers despite the many years of your cultivation?”
I responded, remembering Master's Fa when he spoke of a person with great inborn quality, “Maybe I am the one who has great inborn quality.”
Master said: “An ordinary person can’t see his inadequacies. He thinks everything about him is good, as if he were a flower, right?” (“Lecture at the First Conference in North America”)
Master referred to a non-practitioner. But, I have cultivated for 20 years and I still feel that I am like a flower. I believed that I was attractive, and I did not have an attachment to money. I also felt I was not devious, but had a righteous personality. I was excited that I was smart and could quickly understand Master's Fa. I was proud that I was great in what I did.
Even though I told an ordinary person that all my abilities came from practicing Dafa, I was still filled with pride. Even more so when I heard Master's Fa, “Not everyone can work at some major corporation, or be a boss, so some people have to fill those other roles.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple”)
All my pride came from being employed by a large company and being paid a high salary.
Holding Onto Attachments
I looked within and exposed my deep seated attachments. For example, I realized that I had a very strong show-off mentality. This makes an ordinary person arrogant, and it is especially bad for a practitioner.
During the past 18 years, I lost several jobs. I lost one job because I was against improper relationships between members of the opposite sex. I was fired from my next job because it became known that I was a Dafa practitioner. In my mind I felt that my supervisor was jealous of my outstanding ability at work and that I was being persecuted for practicing Dafa.
I still held a competitive mentality. I looked for a higher position to show that I was powerful and not down and out. I found a higher position and received a higher salary. I felt that this was because I passed Master's test and deserved it. As a result I became more arrogant.
But, problems continued. Although an upper level individual thought I would get a promotion that was in the works, I was not promoted. A person from our headquarters who lacked integrity and the knowledge for the position was promoted to the job. Corruption was rampant at my work and I showed my contempt. I was asked to fill an administrative position in the operations department. It seemed as if people around me looked as though they felt sorry for me.
I returned home, feeling disappointed and told my mother that I failed. I watched Master's “Fa Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners” with my mother. My mother suggested that I still had a strong attachment called competition. I sat silently in front of the television, watching Master's lecture.
My mother commented that I had improved in my cultivation, but held a strong competitive mentality. She said that I wanted to be a star and that I forgot that all my abilities came because I cultivated in Falun Dafa. I had no supernatural abilities, but did do better than others in what I did, so I showed off. Whenever I ran into difficulties in everyday life, I looked at it as being persecuted for practicing Falun Dafa. I did not look inward and thus didn't realize that I had a competitive mentality. Instead< I thought that others were jealous of me. Master said:
“The people in this world today, including most of those in the different social classes, don’t know what they came to this world for, and busy themselves striving to make a career. This is especially true for those who’ve had a taste of success. They are so pleased with themselves, forgetting who they are. And when they think that they’re really good at some things, they get completely carried away; and if they feel that their lives are not so great, they are filled with anger and resentment towards the world.” (What is a Dafa Disciple”)
This Fa truth targeted me. I had a different understanding whenever I read this Fa and sometimes commented on ordinary people's weakness. But today, I felt that I was an ordinary person.
Although I thought that I passed my xinxing test and Master would help me find another job, I failed again and was not offered a position in another company. I was depressed again.
I looked inside for deep-seated attachments, but did not find them. Later, I realized that I was attached to reputation, and held a show-off and competitive mentality. Although I had recognized these attachments in the past, I had not really gotten rid of them.
I thought I was unselfish and very innocent. But, I focused on my reputation and I didn't truly improve myself. If ordinary people said that I was good, I was really excited. If someone criticized me, I was upset.
Even when I calmed down and studied the Fa diligently, I did not focus on truly studying. Master's Fa spoke of a person that was just like me.
I finally recognized my show-off and competitiveness mentality, as well as the attachments of seeking reputation. I looked inward several times to get rid of these attachments.
I know now that I need to always remember that if I don't diligently cultivate, I won't pass the xinxing tests.
Category: Improving Oneself
