New Practitioner: Am I a Genuine Dafa Disciple?
(Minghui.org) Last night, as I was bowing to Master's picture, I noticed that Master was not looking at me with a kind smile as usual; instead He looked serious. I knew there must be something that I had not done well, otherwise Master would not be looking at me that way.
My cultivation state has not been good for a month now. As I recently started to read Zhuan Falun, I felt dizzy and quickly fell asleep. When I woke up startled, I realized that I had fallen asleep without realizing it. I felt uneasy as I did the sitting meditation exercise, and continually had the urge to relax my legs. I was also not as focused as before while sending forth righteous thoughts, and my mind was constantly bothered with everyday people's stuff. Once, while sending forth righteous thoughts, I even recited the verses incorrectly. How could I have become like this within a short period of just a few weeks!
Master said, “...looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”) I realized I should truly look within myself and find my loopholes.
My Cultivation Environment has Changed
Last year, with Master's arrangement, my husband (non-practitioner) and I sold our one-bedroom unit and bought a two-bedroom unit. I had only been practicing for about a month at the time. I realized that Master had arranged this so that I could have a better environment for Fa-study and doing the exercises. It took some time for the selling and buying, and the new unit also needed renovation, so my husband and I each rented an accommodation near our respective workplaces during the process. As there was some distance between our rented places we did not see each other as often, and this made it much easier for me to have a lot more time for Fa-study.
During that period of time, I got up early in the morning to do the exercises, and in the evening, I just ate something simple on my way home from work. This way I could study the Fa as soon as I arrived home. I studied the Fa for around four hours every evening. I was immersed in Dafa, and the entire field around me was filled with Dafa. I held Dafa in my heart and based my thoughts and actions on the Fa. I also held strong righteous thoughts. Although it was only a short period of eight months, upon looking back, I found myself a totally different person from the one I was when I first obtained the Fa. It was truly like Master said, “Upon gaining the Fa, you soared upward.” (“A Reading Response” from Hong Yin III)
I was originally going to rent the place for a year, but in February this year, the owner suddenly decided that he wanted to sell the house. So at the end of March, I moved into our new unit, a new environment for my cultivation. I was very clear that this was all arranged by Master. At the new place, although my husband had not yet moved in, my mother (non-practitioner) often came to visit me, as she was living nearby, and sometimes she would spend a few days at my place.
I knew that all these things were tests, and I would need to live with everyday people anyway. Our new home is a bit further from my workplace, and it takes longer to get to work and back. Every evening, I ate with my mother and had to keep her company for a while after dinner. While we were chatting in the lounge room, the TV was on, playing TV series, news programs of CCP TV stations, and entertainment programs. Therefore, I was unwittingly receiving those bad messages. I cared little about these everyday people's things, but when watching these programs, I experienced having curious human notions, “What's happened to this person? Maybe I could study the Fa after the program is finished. It's only a few minutes,” “This person sings very well, but not as good as Shen Yun performers,” etc.
“What did you go there for? By going there to listen, didn’t you want to seek something? If you did not listen with your ears, how could it get into your body?”
“If you find one of their sentences good, well, something will come to you and be added to your gong.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
I now realize that it's a test. When the TV is switched on, it tests whether your heart is moved by everyday people's things and if you are aware that you are a cultivator. When you watch it and listen to it, you are also pursuing it. So, for two months now, my dimensional field has been filled with low-level evil spirits and rotten stuff, which has gradually formed a filthy field surrounding me. I watched many things every day and my field was getting more impure. As a result I also accepted everyday people's things more easily.
My Fa-study time was also reduced rapidly, and I could only manage to have less than two hours of Fa-study every day. My righteous thoughts became weaker and weaker, and I found it harder and harder to settle down to read and study the Fa. I sometimes tried very hard to clear my own dimensional field, and my righteous thoughts became stronger, but this only lasted a few days. The situation has now become so bad that I become muddle-headed just minutes after sending forth righteous thoughts. My memory is also getting worse. I'm unable to recall the Fa soon after I read it.
I Failed to Find My Fundamental Attachment
I obtained the Fa through a fellow practitioner who was clarifying the facts on the Internet. After I started practicing Falun Gong I realized that Master had been looking after me for many years. About six months before I obtained the Fa, one day I felt that I could no longer eat meat, as it smelled awful. Three years before I obtained the Fa, I escaped two near-miss accidents where cars sped past right next to me. I felt very scared afterwards. Another time, I had a fight with my husband and thought angrily that I would have an abortion if I became pregnant. As soon as I had that thought, I was hit on the head by a bag of garbage, which seemingly came from nowhere. It was a stick warning from Master. I saw Falun only a few days after I obtained the Fa and saw layers of layers of Buddha hand gestures.
A month after I obtained the Fa, I read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party to a colleague. As I read and she learned the truth, I saw a brilliant golden lotus flower opening up, layers of petals opening one after another, and a Falun in the distance spinning around the lotus flower while rotating itself. All kinds of magical things have happened to me since I obtained the Fa. My happiness upon obtaining the Fa was beyond words and I often broke into tears while looking at Master's photo.
I always felt that it was not difficult to be diligent in cultivation. When I read sharing articles on the Minghui website, I sometimes doubted, "Could it be that difficult? They do not seem to cultivate as well as I do." In fact, such a thought is a human notion! A god would not hold a thought such as, “I'm better than others in cultivation.”
When looking back at how I obtained the Fa, I had no pursuit at the time; I only felt that Dafa was good. Because I never thought that I would cultivate, I pursued fun things in everyday society. In order that I would not fall down as a “person of average quality for cultivation,” Master arranged that eight-month cultivation environment where I was not interfered with. This also allowed me to experience various magical things. However, those miraculous experiences gradually turned into attachments.
I did not realize this for a long time, until I started to read several articles on the Minghui website. At last I understood that as Dafa disciples, miracles that happen to us are all manifestations of the Fa, and they are protection and hints from Master. If we are attached to such miracles, then we are no different from everyday people. For gods, it only takes a thought to create a universe. The fact that I became attached to those miraculous experiences indicates that I have not understood Dafa with rationality, and that my understanding is still from a human perspective. No wonder Master was looking at me with such seriousness. Master said,
“At the crucial moment when I ask you to break away from humanness, you do not follow me. Each opportunity will not occur again.” (“Digging Out the Roots” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I have now finally understood one level of what Master said.
“Actually, cultivation practice is not difficult. The difficulty lies in the inability to let go of ordinary human mind.” ("Lecture in Sydney")
As it turned out, I did not really understand why it could be difficult, because I did not intend to let go of my ordinary human mind. When I needed to let go, I could feel obstacles, so I ran away. Master hinted to me time and time again, but I did not learn from the lessons. My ordinary human mind is the way I have lived, worked, and behaved for decades in society. When it suddenly needed to be changed, notions come out, “That's the way I have talked and worked for many years. How can I change it?” Such notions are not fundamentally me. If it had not been for Dafa cultivation, I never would have understood what my true self is like. Only by solidly cultivating in Dafa can my true self come forth.
The process of writing this article was also a cultivation process. My thoughts are becoming clearer and I have understood where my problems lie. I firmly believe that all that I have accomplished was due to the strengthening by Master, and once more I have experienced Master's boundless grace. Master, no words are sufficient to express my deepest gratitude to you! Right now, the sky that had been gloomy for days suddenly became bright and filled with beautiful sunshine – when Dafa disciples achieve a good cultivation state, everything will turn for the better!
As my level is limited, please kindly point out anything improper in my sharing.