(Minghui.org) I regard myself very pure regarding relationships between men and women. Thus, I didn’t examine myself on this issue when I studied the Fa. However, after reading the article collection “Getting Rid of Attachment of Lust and Desire” on the Minghui.org website, I realized that I had a hidden attachment of lust, which was arranged by the old forces since I was little. It has caused me tribulations in recent years and dragged me down in my cultivation during very crucial moments. I want to expose it today so that other practitioners can learn from my lesson.
I was born into an ordinary Chinese family in the 1950’s. As I grew older, I was very curious about sex and developed a voyeuristic habit. In order to satisfy myself, I started to masturbate. When I grew a little older, I watched pornographic novels. In the 1990’s, I watched pornographic videos. Undoubtedly, these strengthened my bad thoughts.
After I got married, these unhealthy thoughts were gradually cleared away and forgotten and I have been faithful to my wife. In society, where morality has taken a dramatic downturn, I adhere to traditional morality under all circumstances. As I never engaged in any immoral sexual behavior, I was considered a righteous person. However, I understand now that these were just superficial acts. My true self was heavily contaminated by the corrupt human society. My attachment to lust and desire was deeply hidden and covered up.
Ever since I started practicing Falun Gong, my view of the world has changed dramatically. I was purified both physically and spiritually. Free of disease, I felt light and happy. I always considered others first and was kind to people. I no longer accepted any form of bribes and worked very hard. In addition, I got rid of the habit of smoking and drinking. I cared for others and was respectful to my parents. As a result, everyone surrounding me said, "Falun Gong is truly wonderful. It completely changes a person." However, the persecution soon started. Dafa was attacked and slandered. Sentient beings were deceived by lies and kind practitioners were tortured.
In order to say a fair word for Dafa and clarify the truth about Falun Gong, I suffered repeated detention and was finally forced to leave home to avoid further persecution. Later, I was sentenced to seven years in prison. In prison, the perpetrators of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) exhausted all kinds of methods to force me to denounce my belief. They deprived me of sleep, placed plastic bags over my head, handcuffed me behind my back, hung me up, poured cold water on me, beat me, put me in solitary confinement and had me monitored by designated inmates. Facing these adversities, I firmly believed in Teacher and Dafa. I went on a hunger strike many times and was still compassionate to others. I clarified the truth to the inmates and guards and asked them to withdraw from the CCP organizations. Meanwhile, I insisted on memorizing the Fa, studying the Fa, practicing the exercises and sending forth righteous thoughts. With Teacher's compassionate protection, I was able to walk out of prison.
Upon returning home, I didn't study the Fa well and didn't look inward for the fundamental reason why I was imprisoned. Thus, I looked outward when conflicts arose. When other practitioners complimented that I cultivated well, I was very happy. My attachments eventually surfaced: attachments to joy, showing off, jealousy, and being resistant to criticism. As all my attachments became more and more obvious, the attachments to fighting and lust were particularly exposed. I was unable to study the Fa and practice the exercises daily. When I sent forth righteous thoughts, I sometimes dozed off and my palm was not straight. The conflicts with my wife and other practitioners resulted in quarrels and fighting. I didn't look inward; instead I looked outward. As a result, the old forces once again took advantage of my loopholes. I was arrested by the police from the local 610 office. Facing brutal torture and driven by my fear, I was "transformed". After I came home, I was in despair and even lost confidence in continuing my cultivation. I regretted that I smeared Falun Gong and caused losses for Dafa. However, compassionate Teacher sustained the tremendous karma for me so that I was able to start from the beginning. Teacher also gave me hints in my dream and encouraged me to get up from where I fell down. I knew that Teacher didn't give up on me and was still watching over me. I often shed tears of gratitude. I regained my confidence and courage. Once again I started calmly studying and memorizing the Fa, looked within to get rid of my attachments, intensified sending forth righteous thoughts in order to eliminate the evil beings.
After a while, my xinxing greatly improved. However, some attachments still surfaced including some bad notions. Particularly, I felt my attachment to lust and desire were hard to get rid of. It was even stronger than before I started practicing Falun Gong. I was severely interfered with by strong desire. Although my wife and I hadn't had intercourse for over a year, my desire was even stronger than before. I was truly miserable. I thought to myself, "No matter how difficult, I will never do it again. I must get rid of my desire." Not until then did I discover the fundamental reason why I had been imprisoned. Teacher had hinted that I should dig out the root cause. In the past, a fellow practitioner sent me the article collection "Cultivating Away the Attachment of Desire and Lust". I refused to read it because I considered myself very good in this regard and never had any misconduct. In retrospect, Teacher was giving me a hint to find my fundamental reason for being imprisoned. However, I refused to see it many times, but Teacher once again gave me a hint. As soon as I turned on the computer, I saw the article collection "Cultivating Away the Attachment of Desire and Lust" on the Minghui.org website. I read all of them. I was shocked after reading the article entitled "My Lesson: the Danger of Keeping the Attachment of Desire and Lust". The author's experience was very similar to mine. There was a deeper reason why I had difficulty getting rid of this attachment. The author helped me to dig out my hidden dirty thoughts. They were not mine, but were corrupted beings imposed upon me. They were the reason why I had been repeatedly tortured. They were covered up and concealed by me. It was like Teacher said,
"But you should be really responsible to yourself and should especially reject those thoughts. They are harming you, they are asking you to do things that aren’t human, and they are dragging you toward hell. Yet people with warped mindsets still believe that it’s part of themselves." (Official translation from "Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference ")
Teacher also said,
"But since people are lost among ordinary people, they often form in their minds a kind of thought that revolves around reputation, gain, lust, anger, and those things. As time goes by, it shapes up into a strong thought-karma. Everything in other dimensions is alive, so karma is, too." (Zhuan Falun)
For a long time, I didn't pay attention to my hidden attachments. I even considered myself better than others in this regard. Teacher said,
"Some people size themselves up with the fallen moral standard, and they think they’re better than other people. That’s because even the standard for measuring has changed. But it doesn’t matter how mankind’s moral standard changes, the nature of the universe doesn't change, and it is the only standard for determining who’s good and who’s bad." (Official translation from the book Zhuan Falun)
Although I had practiced for over ten years, I only focused on the superficial formality and failed to truly cultivate myself. Instead of conforming to the standard of the Fa, I tried to cover up my attachments. It is exactly as Teacher said,
"You have to be responsible to yourself in cultivation, and you have to genuinely change yourself and let go of the bad things that you are attached to deep inside—only that is true letting go. If you seem to do everything right on the surface but deep inside you still guard and hold on to the things that you don’t want to let go of, that’s absolutely unacceptable." (Official translation from "Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference")
Meanwhile, I had a deeper understanding of Teacher's words,
"Dafa disciples: I said long ago that sexual attraction and desire are a fatal roadblock that a cultivator absolutely must overcome. [Those people are] driven by human feelings and emotions way too much. If they can't even pull themselves out of this little thing, then it would seem that back then the old forces should have arranged to put them behind prison walls in Mainland China, as only under those circumstances would they correct the problem, right? I wonder how you'd behave in a brutal environment like that. Are you like this because your life is too comfortable? All those who don't remove that attachment and make excuses for their behavior are fooling themselves and trying to fool others--it's not like I've made any special arrangements for you." ( Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference )
When I read this paragraph in the past, I didn't realize that Teacher was addressing me. I have a different understanding now. If I truly cultivate in Dafa, how can I still keep such dirty thoughts in the bottom of my heart? How can I be controlled by them? Even if the old forces had arranged these for me, I need to completely reject and disintegrate them. I can only walk my path arranged by Teacher. I also realized the importance of eliminating the attachment to desire and lust. In the past, I always thought that the old forces only took advantage of the loopholes of those practitioners who had committed inappropriate behavior. Now, I know that it is very dangerous if one has not fundamentally let go of the attachment to desire and lust. We need to actively eliminate this dirty thought. The leading cause is not studying the Fa well.
When I truly enlightened to the Fa principles and let go of my attachments, my physical body changed a lot. I no longer have these desires and other dirty thoughts. I feel complete calm in my heart. I think Teacher took the bad substances out of my body.
For those practitioners who have similar experiences, please be responsible to yourselves and to all sentient beings. Please be worthy of Teacher's compassionate salvation.
Category: Improving Oneself
