(Minghui.org) I spoke at an experience sharing meeting late last year. I gave a summary and planned to talk about five different topics. When I was halfway through the third topic, another practitioner interrupted me. He criticized me harshly, which was quite a shock to me. He said I often used my own words to define the Fa and gave many such examples. I tried to explain myself and defend myself. Another practitioner even brought up a something I had said five or six years prior.
On the surface, I showed that I was willing to accept the criticism, but in my heart I felt I was wronged. Last year, our Fa study group studied some of Master's new poems and lectures. After studying each poem or lecture, I asked the others to share, but no one else spoke, and no one said anything negative about what I shared.
After hearing this recent criticism, I told myself that I would no longer share. I was offended. I did not attend the next two group meetings. But every day I wondered, "Why did so many people think the same about me? Why have they criticized me about this for the last few years? Was I wrong? What was wrong?"
Master said,
"Many things in the scriptures were mistranslated in the translation process. In addition, many interpretations of the scriptures were also made from perspectives at different levels, and the definitions were casually made. That is plundering the Dharma. Those people who casually interpreted the scriptures were too far away from the realm of Buddhas; they did not understand the scriptures’ actual content. Therefore, they would also have different understandings of the issues."
"If you put Dafa in a secondary place and put your supernatural powers in the primary place, or as an enlightened person you believe that what you understand one way or another is correct, or if you even regard yourself as being great and beyond Dafa, I would say that you have already started to stumble. It would be dangerous and you would become ever worse. At that time, you would really be in trouble, and your cultivation would end up in vain. If things are not done right, you will stumble and fail in your cultivation." (Zhuan Falun)
Thinking back to what I had said during the Fa study and sharing, I found myself covered in a cold sweat. I said so many incorrect things, and I had so many wrong ideas. For example, I said it would be easier to understand a very long sentence if you divided it into shorter parts. I sometimes analyzed the structure of a sentence like they would in a Chinese language class. I took the examples that Master gave in Zhuan Falun and made poems. I divided Master's lectures into paragraphs and summarized the "main meaning."
How could I make such mistakes? I was using everyday people's thoughts and habits nurtured by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture. I graduated in the 1960s majoring in Chinese, and I taught middle school Chinese for more than a dozen years. I later worked in an institute and gave lectures on ancient and modern Chinese language. I developed a habit of analyzing the structure of language. Master told us clearly,
"...modern, standardized terminology cannot express the guidance of Dafa at different high levels and the manifestation of the Fa at each level; neither is it able to bring about practitioners’ transformation of benti and gong, or other such fundamental changes." (Zhuan Falun)
I repeatedly studied what Master said,
"Others can’t say a critical word about him, he can’t take any criticism, and even if he does something wrong he won’t hear a word of it. How could that work, though? How is that being a cultivator?"
"If you can manage to handle things calmly no matter how wronged you may feel, if you can remain unmoved and not try to come up with some kind of excuse for yourself, then with many things you won’t even need to argue. That’s because on your path of cultivation there is nothing that is by chance. So, when you get into a heated exchange and it stirs things up in you, or you get into a conflict over something that concerns your vital interests, perhaps the factors behind it were put there by Master. Maybe you only get upset when it’s a case of someone saying something that really provokes you or hits a sore spot. And maybe the person really did treat you wrongfully. But, those words weren’t necessarily said by that person. Perhaps they were said by me. (Everyone laughs) I want to see how you handle things at the time. When you butt heads with that person, it actually equates to butting heads with me." ("Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan")
I felt that everything Master has said about taking criticism was related to me. Looking inward, I saw many human notions and attachments, including the mentality of showing off, the mentality of seeking fame and gain, the competitive mentality, and the attachments of zealotry, fear, and feeling wronged. I tried to dig them out by their roots. I knew the fundamental root was selfishness. But selfishness is too abstract. What was supporting these attachments of mine?
One morning when I was reading Zhuan Falun , I read something in "Reverse Cultivation and Gong Borrowing" in Lecture Three:
"If someone said something bad about her, she would be upset. This person’s attachments to fame and self-interest were all developed. She considered herself better than others and extraordinary."
I suddenly felt that I had realized my issue, especially in the last sentence. I stared at the words. Every word touched me like a bolt of lightening. My eyes filled with tears. I suddenly saw the light. I had found the attachment I was looking for: I thought I was better than others and extraordinary. At every group study I acted like a teacher teaching his students. I enjoyed showing off my "professional expertise." I wanted to hear others praise me. I was not modest at all. I compared my advantages and strengths with others' shortcomings and weaknesses. If I did something good, I was so eager to talk about it, and so afraid that others would not notice. When facing conflicts and difficulties, I did not look inward, but instead complained, argued, and tried to explain myself to make myself look like I was in the clear.
Before this incident happened, I hadn't been able to calm down during my meditation for some time. Things that made me feel "honored" in the past often appeared in my mind, such as when I was appointed to be the county secretary of education in 1984, a post I refused by not going to work for three months. In 1987 the county Party secretary spoke to me several times and wanted to appoint me to be the county propaganda secretary, but I refused again. Once when I lectured my students on ideological and moral cultivation, they all gave me a standing ovation. I then told them a story and they gave me another standing ovation. I told yet another story and then a third. In 2002, the CCP committee took me to a motel by cunning means and detained me. They got seven collaborators, who verbally attacked, abused, and slandered me for five hours. A righteous mind can subdue one hundred evils. I wasn't moved. By the end, I just said, "Excuse me, I'm hungry and I will go home now." I stood up and left. Those scenes kept appearing in my mind again and again. I tried to suppress them but failed. I knew it was my attachment of seeking fame and the mentality of showing off.
All of these memories are now dissolved. The feeling of being wronged has transformed into a feeling of happiness and gratitude. Sometimes I just smile to myself. I see the incident at the end of last year as a positive thing. I was criticized, but I also got real help. I have gained so much. I now truly understand that I must study the Fa well: "...look at yourself when you get into disagreements." (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”).
I need to dig into the root if I see an attachment. I need to listen to comments and criticism from fellow practitioners with modesty and patience, not become defensive, not argue, and not be afraid of feeling wronged. It's all good for me. I should discuss and share with other practitioners, and not have a negative attitude, which would only harm myself and others. I should have more compassion.
