(Minghui.org) I was born in 1997, and my parents are both Falun Gong practitioners. Older folks have told me that I was born in a good time and was pampered. Since I was little, my mother prompted me to study Falun Gong books and practice the exercises. I knew Falun Gong was good and learned a few things from the books, but when I got a bit older I preferred to be out playing. Fortunately Teacher has always watched over me, and I prevailed over several tests of sickness karma. In addition, I spent three semesters overcoming the test of being bullied by a boy in class. I learned how to cultivate myself after these experiences, and began paying more attention to studying the Fa.
When I reached the sixth grade in elementary school, I was aware of the bad influences of my peers, however I grew fond of degenerate things, including television. While I was trying to eliminate my attachment to these things, I studied the Fa a lot. It helped me establish a good foundation for my cultivation, and helped me realize how profound and compassionate our Teacher is. I gradually learned the seriousness of the Buddha Fa that Teacher has imparted, yet I still didn't quite know what it meant to genuinely cultivate myself.
My first big test came when I was in junior high school. I held very different values from my peers, and many of them thought I was a bit strange. Even my best friend started to fight with me and even beat me up. I didn't understand why my peers treated me so badly.
Moreover, I was embarrassed to find that I had a crush on a boy in school. I was overwhelmed with thoughts about him, and could hardly suppress the attacks of thought karma. My academic performance began to deteriorate. My parents, who used to be affectionate, became cold and distant, which was unbearable, as I felt completely alone and misunderstood. It was as though there was a wall that separated me from the world, whether I was at school or at home. Yet I was always treasured being at home. I felt very sad, and cultivation became my only consolation. Yet my mother would dampen my spirit by saying things like, "You will never reach Consummation like this. When the time comes, you will stay here and watch others reach Consummation." Sometimes she dismissed me completely, saying, "You are by no means a Falun Gong practitioner."
At this point I was afraid even when I studied the Fa. I wondered, "Am I worthy of practicing Falun Gong?" It was high time to think things over.
In coping with the world, I had to interact with people, but what my mother said about me kept haunting me. One night I held the book Zhuan Falun in my hands, contemplating whether I was a true practitioner, and whether I was still worthy of practicing. I thought of how we were chosen a long time ago to come down to earth. Practitioners have endured all kinds of hardships during the countless reincarnations just to practice Falun Gong today. I realized that countless sentient beings were counting on me to save them, so I had the responsibility to continue my cultivation. I then started to seriously study Zhuan Falun.
While I was studying the Fa, I felt human notions in my head gradually being replaced with Falun Gong's teachings, and I developed a better understanding of the meaning of compassion, which is not just kindness... Compassion carries a very solemn, profound meaning beyond my ability to describe.
I was also trying to improve the situation at school. Eventually my best friend was no longer upset with me and my peers got along with me well. Some even quit the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) Young Pioneers. I was able to suppress my crush on the boy, and I began to perform well academically. My mother downloaded many articles fellow practitioners had written of other space-time dimensions and reincarnations. I read and learned a lot from them. I felt as though I was a king from a distant heavenly body, and I carried the confidence of a king. Even when facing a test, I told myself, "It is nothing. Once I prevail over the test, I will look back and think it was too easy to be a test."
Teacher said,
"When you are overcoming a real hardship or tribulation, you try it. When it is difficult to endure, try to endure it. When it looks impossible and is said to be impossible, give it a try and see if it is possible. If you can actually do it, you will indeed find: 'After passing the shady willow trees, there will be bright flowers and another village ahead!'" (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
When I thought everything had returned to normal, I attended a summer camp in the United States during my second year in junior high school. The US is a country of freedom and democracy, but I felt as though I was spending a month in prison. I was isolated by my fellow Chinese students, schoolteachers, and the Chinese tour guide, after they saw me talking to an elderly Chinese lady who was distributing Falun Gong materials in New York City. They criticized and condemned me. I was so upset I started crying. Everyone kept their distance from me during the trip.
I was afraid of running into Falun Gong practitioners for the rest of the trip, because I didn't want to be treated like that. I felt as though I had committed a crime judging from the way I was treated. In comparison to the open and honest way Americans treat each other, the Chinese people in my tour group treated each other with belligerence and distorted values. I was witnessing how the Chinese people have been corrupted and controlled by the CCP culture but do not even realize it. I was overcome with fear, so I was unable to clarify the truth to them in an open, confident manner. After I returned home from summer camp, I dreamed of climbing a dark mountain capped with radiating gold. When I reached the border between the darkness and the radiance, I tried to move up, but the blinding light shook me. After I came down the mountain, an American classmate told me in English, "That is your path." I immediately realized what the dream meant, and I was overcome with regret.
Teacher said,
"No matter what it is you've experienced, as soon as you realize the problem just correct it immediately; if you fall, just get up and continue to do what a Dafa disciple should do." ("Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Vancouver, Canada, in 2003")
I knew Teacher had said that, but I felt that this time I had behaved really badly. I was shadowed by this thought for a very long time, and I gradually lost my confidence. I used to be innocent and pure, and I had now become mature and diplomatic. I was previously candid and straightforward, but I was now becoming overly cautious when I clarified the truth about Falun Gong. Naturally, the results were not good. Even when I talked to my best friend, I was afraid of being completely honest. I would beat around the bush so as not to risk upsetting her. This affected my cultivation as well. When I identified an attachment, I spent a lot of time analyzing it, as though I was studying it academically. Such analysis did not help my cultivation, but instead gave me an illusion that I was cultivating myself.
When my parents nagged me about my cultivation, I comforted myself by saying, "It's nothing. They don't understand my situation. When they say things like that, they are not acting like Falun Gong practitioners either." When my parents reproached me angrily, I remained silent and didn't talk back, so as to avoid punishment. I comforted myself in my heart even when I only made the slightest improvement, by thinking, "It's okay. At least I have made a little progress." I eventually felt that I lacked drive and momentum when it came to eliminating my attachments. I seemed to be compromising constantly. I slacked off, I was listless, and my mind was filled with drifting thoughts. I knew something was wrong, but I just could not pull myself out of the pit.
When I was about to finish junior high school, I showed my best friend stories about reincarnations, and she was moved. She remembered a pledge she had once made in a previous life, and she started practicing Falun Gong. I realized I was falling behind in my cultivation when I offered to give her Falun Gong's exercise music. She had an MP4 player that had a lot of her favorite music and photos. Before I copied the Falun Gong exercise music to her MP4 player, I asked her to delete them out of respect for Falun Gong. Little did I expect that she would delete them all the next day! She used the MP4 player only for Falun Gong. I felt so ashamed, because I was unable to eliminate my attachments so easily, and I often avoided facing them. When she listens to Teacher's lectures, she always sits with her back straight and her hands in the jieyin position, listening intently. She is very glad to clarify the truth about Falun Gong to people, and has persuaded many to quit the CCP student organizations. I failed to do either.
When I was feeling depressed and defeated, Teacher arranged for her to start practicing Falun Gong so that I could see the discrepancy between us. Since we studied the Fa and cultivated together, we were able to practice and advance together. After we exchanged our cultivation experiences and insights, I realized that I had been cultivating poorly. I strived to become diligent, and although the effect was not satisfactory, I felt that I had found hope.
I began to slack off again during summer vacation when no one was around to motivate me. I had actually become even lazier, and I daydreamed a lot. I actually felt I had a shell around me, but I was unable to eliminate it. I wasted half of my summer vacation, and when I thought of improving myself, I quickly went back to my same habits.
One day my mother recommended that I read an article written by a fellow practitioner who worked for New Tang Dynasty Television (NTDTV). She was transferred from one project to another due to a conflict between two project coordinators. She knew everything about the previous project, but after transferring she had to learn everything from scratch. Yet she ended up doing well on the new project team. She contributed her success to "humbling herself."
That article was very inspiring to me. I realized that my "confidence" was actually "arrogance." I was so arrogant that I dared not face my flaws, and I avoided facing my attachments, and I kept comforting myself when I cultivated poorly. I was afraid to clarify the truth openly. I analyzed my attachments instead of actually cultivating myself, and I did all of this in order to protect my "self" or my ego from getting hurt, yet my "self" is not my "true self." Ego is the result of my acquired notions and the arrangements of the old forces. That "self" must be the shell surrounding me. I targeted the shell when I sent forth righteous thoughts. It took me thirty minutes until I felt I had eliminated the shell.
The next day I felt Teacher cleansing my body, and it felt terrible. When I was feeling the worst of it, one thing popped up in my head, "Assimilating to the Fa." I suddenly remembered something Teacher had said,
"I remember giving this example: if a piece of sawdust or a wood chip is dropped into a furnace of molten steel, instantly you won’t see even a trace of it. A person is like that wood chip, and this Dafa of the cosmos is like that furnace of molten steel. To assimilate a person, to assimilate one person, is just so easy." ("Teaching the Fa at the Conference in New Zealand")
If I can assimilate to the Fa, I will advance instantly. It will not do any good if I waste time worrying about this and that. Attachments are attachments, and they are gone once I eliminate them. Upon realizing this, I felt that my energy field had been purified, and I was no longer daydreaming.
I am now in my first year of senior high school. I feel that there is always an energy pushing me to do well. I am a different person. I would like to thank Teacher for his compassion and salvation. It is because of his help that I have been able to journey this far.
Please kindly point out anything inappropriate in my humble insights.
